Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

[CobraDan]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly

2. A rubber glove

3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed Out the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled.....

Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT

[Art Burtt]

Once upon a time in a forest there was a bunny who was born
blind. In this same forest lived a snake also blind since birth. As
fate would have it, the bunny was hopping thru the forest when he accidently tripped over the snake. He got up shook himself off and apologized saying I'm sorry hope I didn't hurt you but I've been blind since birth and I don't even know what I am nor do
I remember my mother. The snake replied,thats amazing I too have been blind since birth and do not know what I am and never saw my mother. Why don't I slither all over you and find out what you are. At least you'll have that going for you. The bunny agrees. The snake says, well you're soft and furry with a nose that twitches and long ears so you must be a bunny. The bunny then rubs his paws all over the snake and says well you're slimy and
cold with a forked tongue and you have no spine or balls-- You must be a Frenchman!!

[CobraDan]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresco. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the guy said "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow." "You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[xlr8or]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation
when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his
way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaims.

"I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one
butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in
front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.
"Go on home to California."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was
from California?"

The agent replies, "I saw the picture of Gray
Davis in the middle."

[CobraDan]

One night a man and a woman, are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour,the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.

She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we
started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman". You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[CobraDan]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The
man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that
he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue
and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"> The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

[CobraDan]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Art Burtt]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It don't matter he won't come any how. Actually you call him cigarette cause you have to take him out for drag every now and then!

What's the difference between the Asian pygmy all female debating team and the American all female long distance running team?

The Asian pygmy debating team are a bunch of cunning runts.

"Balls",cried the Queen if I had them I'd be King!
The King laughed,he had two!

[CobraDan]

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpselike look on my face!
What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
"Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[CobraDan]

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[CobraDan]

INGREDIENTS:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana



DIRECTIONS :
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until
well creamed.
For best results, continue to knead milk containers
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with
nuts, leave to
soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften,
repeat steps 3-5
or change mixing bowls.



NOTES:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully
before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

[CobraDan]

When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
It's a trustworthy observation that nothing can compare In the process of aging with finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation: "That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

[Lowell W]

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Which part of your body gets to heaven first?"

One little girl raises her hand and says,"I think your head gets to heaven first because that's the part of you closest to heaven when you're on earth."

The teacher says, "OK..."

Another little girl raises her hand and says, "Well, I think your heart gets to heagen first because that's where your love comes from."

The teacher says, "OK, that's interesting..."

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Nope, I think your feet get to heaven first."

The teacher can't resist asking him why he would think something like that.

"Well," says little Johnny, "the other night I went into my parents' bedroom and my mother was lying on the bed with her feet up in the air, yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming' and if Daddy hadn't been lying on top of her, I think she'd have gone!"

[mrmustang]

You really want the joke of the day (week, month, millienium), see the following thread:

http://www.clubcobra.com/forums/show...threadid=39226

People, get a life, step away from the computer, go out in the real world and live your life to the fullest...........

[CobraDan]

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2.. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[CobraDan]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does
not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

[CobraDan]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the
bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and
watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole
two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him
and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25
feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the
soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and
heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the
men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Bubba and Leroy. I
dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
Bubba's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy."

[CobraDan]

You know the world is going crazy when...
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

[CobraDan]

* You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.

* You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

* You burn your yard rather than mow it.

* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

* You come back from the dump with more than you took.

* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

* Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

* You have a rag for a gas cap.

* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the
side.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.



And last, but not least...

* Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you

take them out to see what it is!