Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

An accountant gets home late one night and his
wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did
you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he
began. "Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I like how money feels in my
hand... And lastly, instead of you going out
shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!

[CobraDan]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

[4RE KLR]

This guy is on the golf coarse with his wife and hits one out of bounds. As luck would have it the ball landed in front of the restroom door. The restroom, had a door but no back wall. He tells his wife to hold open the door and he will play through. The ball hits and kills his wife instantly.

A short period later the same golfer is on the same coarse with his new wife and again luck landed his ball in the very same spot as before. In front of the bathroom door.

His new bride says "look honey I can open the door and you can play straight through the building"

The golfer says " are you out of your mind woman, do you know what happened the last time I tried that. I took a nine on this hole"



From
This months T&L Golf

[CobraDan]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

*****************************

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

*******************************

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane"

*****************************

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

*********************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as “@%$”
everything has shifted."

**********************************

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

***************************

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite."

*****************************

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*********************************

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

************************************

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children
.... or other adults acting like children."

****************************************

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."

****************************************

From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"

********************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

*********************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"

**********************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

**********************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

**********************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

**********************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
think of US Airways."

**********************************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[CobraDan]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled for mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizen, mydixadud, dixafix, and, of course, ibepokin.

[CobraDan]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on
the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off
and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"




The guy says:







"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[CobraDan]

A 92 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN
HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN
HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."

HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG.

THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND I'll
TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE
MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."

THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND
PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.

THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I
SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."

THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D
RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG."

[CobraDan]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your
pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied,
still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together
in
his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put
her
hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel? "
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell

[CobraDan]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is......"top of the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those son?" ask the attendant

"They're called tees" replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now? inquired the Irishman

"Well,they're for resting my balls on when I drive." replies Tiger

"AW, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.

"Those fellas at Buick think of everything!"

[CobraDan]

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have
kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

[xlr8or]

><< Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
> >>
> >>The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table,
> >>because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
> >>
> >>The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
> >>inside them is color-coded."
> >>
> >>The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> >>everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> >>
> >>The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
> >>They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
> >>end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
> >>
> >>But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when
> >>he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
> >>no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are
> >>interchangeable."

[boxhead]

Allthough this isnt a "joke" as such, I do think it is funny.
Here is proof that the world is a confused place at the moment
The #1 rap singer is white
The #1 golfer is black
The French are calling the Americans arogant, and
The Germans dont want to go to war.

[mikiec]

What the heck...I'll add to this one.

Subject: GOOD MORALS






I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over

a year, and so we

decided to get married. My parents helped us in every

way, my friends

encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one

thing bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my

mother-in-law to be. She

was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful

and sexy, who sometimes

flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.



One day she called me and asked me to come over to

check the wedding

invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I

arrived, she whispered

to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had

feelings and desires for

me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got

married and committed my

life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me

just once.



What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't

say a word.



So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are

up for it, just come

and get me."



I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and

went to the front

door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her

husband was standing

outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and

said, we are very happy

and pleased, you have passed our little test. We

couldn't have asked for a

better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Moral of the story:



Always keep your condoms in your car

[speed220mph]

"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion." Baghdad Bob.

May the fleas of a 1,000 camels infest his head.

[BO DUTCH]

CobraDan..... Hope ya don't mind me posting this statement on your private thread !!



STATEMENT FROM FRENCH'S MUSTARD

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there
ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.

The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

[Art Burtt]

An old man wakes up on his birthday,he looks at his hands and says well hands today you are 100 years old,then he looks at his feet and says today you are 100 years old,then he looks in his crotch and says and if you had lived you'd be 100 years old too!

[Dwight]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

[Edley Rondinone]

Three old men are sittin' at the old folks home, commiserating about how bad each one has it. First old man says, "I just cant pee anymore", and he breaks down in tears. Second old man says, "I just cant poop anymore", and he breaks down in tears. Third old man says,"Every morning about eight, I have a nice pee, and every morning about nine, I have a nice poop," and then HE breaks down in tears. Other two old men say, "What are YOU crying for?" Third old man says, "I dont get out of bed until TEN!"

[CobraDan]

Subject: Oil Change.....by Gender

A. Car Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00

B. Car Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash container. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow, so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18

20) Reach for a beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step #11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, ... along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain. Re-shovel oily dirt. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of dirt in yard. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.


29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on garage floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag. Slip with stupid crescent wrench, while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw 'stupid' crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes, because wrench hit Miss December (1992)in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) More Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps #23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $ 50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $ 75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $ 40.00
Total -- $4,165.00

[CobraDan]

Men know...that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is a naked woman.

Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know...that there are three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know...exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.