Joke of the Day...

[Art Burtt]

An old farmer and his wife have been married for fifty years. Their kids decide they are going to have a big party and take mom to the store and buy her a new dress and shoes. She's trying them on as the old boy is watching her and she says" damn I can't wear this dress without a bra I haven't worn one for forty years
go down town and buy me one". The old boy goes to the local mall and a young sales girl asks if she can help him. He says "I need to buy a brassiere for my wife." The girls asks "what size is she"? He replies "I dunno". She asks "is she the size of lemons?"
He says "nope". She says "is she the size of oranges?" he says
"Nope". She says "well, is she the size of grapefruits?" He says "Not exactly" She says "sir I can't help you if you don't know her size". He thinks for a minute and then says,"young lady,you ever seen a hound dogs ear"?

[CobraDan]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should make a full recovery.

[CobraDan]

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black
are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office
when they strike up a conversation.

The black Labrador turns to the brown and says, "So
why are you here?" The brown Labrador replies, "I'm a
pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes,
the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."

The black Labrador says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown
Labrador. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works
for everything." He then turns to the yellow Labrador
and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Labrador says, " I'm a digger. I dig under
fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black
Labrador inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow
lab said.

The yellow Labrador then turns to the black Labrador
and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black Labrador says. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire
hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't
help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown Labradors exchange a sad glance
and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black Labrador says, "No, I'm here to get my nails
clipped.

[BlueRooster]

Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?



Because they dont work in the future either.

[CobraDan]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court on Friday in front of the Judge.

The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles ! like this:

O o

.....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To the second boy the judge said," And you, how did you do?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ...

o

O

......and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before
prison....."
.

[CobraDan]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big boobs."

[CobraDan]

It takes more than a degree to secure employment.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I **** my pants!"

He got the job. "

[CobraDan]

A guy who has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. In a few minutes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the shocked guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette? "Ten years," he replies. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack, he takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Man oh man!! Is that ever good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a shot of whiskey?" she asks. Trembling he replies "Ten years!" She reaches over and unzips a pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and exclaims "That's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she begins to slowly unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "How long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and cries... "Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too!"

[CobraDan]

The next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this:
You’re a Siamese Twin.
You’re brother, attached to your shoulder, is gay.
You’re not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.

[CobraDan]

A hip young man goes out and buys the hottest American sports car available; a brand new SPF Cobra. It costs him $50,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red traffic light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car have you got there son?"

The young man replies, " SPF Cobra - it cost 50 thou!!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right ... but I think I'll stick with my moped!!"

Just then, the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the
speedometer reads 110 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whooooooosssshhhh!
Something whips buy him, going much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Cobra?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator again and takes the 'Cobra up to 130
mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Cobra he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 155 mph. Whhhhooooooosssssshhhh!!! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the accelerator and takes the Cobra all the way up to 180 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees
the moped bearing down on him again. The 'Cobra is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Cobra, demolishing the rear end. They skid to a halt. The young man jumps out, and
unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God!! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath ... "Please....unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror !!!!"

[Slow Dawg]

Beep-beep, beep-beep... his horn went beep-beep-beep!!!


Ron

[CobraDan]

CONDOMS

A man walks into a drug store with his
8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks,
What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at
school"
He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school
boys. One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack
and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men, the dad
answers. TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses
THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are
for married men. One for January,
one for February, one for...

[CobraDan]

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" a little girl asked.

"No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the
mother.

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad,
may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked
Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I
had to come talk to you."

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it.

"Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on
the leash and you can only go around the block
once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later
with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her
father asked.

"She should be here in a minute," advised the
daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block and another dog is pushing her home."

[CobraDan]

The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
The Inventor thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to Hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't You the Inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the Inventor, "professional to Professional, You have some major design flaws in Your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end.


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.


3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.


5. It is unreliable when trying to turn it on.


6. The maintenance costs are outrageous. And, finally,


7. It costs a fortune when you trade it in for a newer model."





"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the Inventor, "but according to these numbers, more men want to ride my invention than yours."

[CobraDan]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[CobraDan]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan, appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an eventone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[CobraDan]

When Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she
lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out
for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

[zipzip]

THE BRICK LAYER
Possibly the funniest story in a long while.

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
Darwin Award for sure.



Dear Sir: I'm writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly more than 500 pounds. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a
slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident
report form, that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked
off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let
go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which
was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section three of the accident report form.
Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a
great deal of pain.!

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you
again to my weight. As you can imagine, began a rapid descent, down the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up.

This accounts for the fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately,
only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I
lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost
my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there
watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me. This
explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[CobraDan]

A city cop on his horse is waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stops beside him. "Nice bike," the cop says. "Did Santa bring it to you?""Yep," the little boy replies, "he sure did!"
The cop looks the bike over and hands the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop says, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you got there, Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he did," chuckles the cop. The little boy looks up at him and says, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[CobraDan]

A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very
serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he
would ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But
desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight
loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and
a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he
thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same
thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and
orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands
the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his
life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have
me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next
four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on
the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens
it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but
pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine!