Joke of the Day... - Page 92

CobraDan · #**1821** (**permalink**) 07-12-2003, 04:52 PM

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO:

10. Your annual breast exam is at Hooter's..

9. Directions to your doctor's office include "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7. The only proctologist on the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is "an apple a day."

5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges" is NOT typographical error.

3. The only ! expense covered 100% is "embalming."

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO:

1. You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

CobraDan · #**1822** (**permalink**) 07-12-2003, 05:04 PM

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the
world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came
walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father" and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela" she replied.

CobraDan · #**1823** (**permalink**) 07-14-2003, 08:07 AM

A doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor's looking through the list, his eyes grow wide as he realizes she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.....and believe me, it helps me sleep at night!

CobraDan · #**1824** (**permalink**) 07-14-2003, 12:55 PM

Dear Abby admitted she was at a total loss to answer these...

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again. Should I believe him?

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and
he IS a doctor. What now?

CobraDan · #**1825** (**permalink**) 07-15-2003, 08:09 AM

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says
with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and
notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't
want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."

CobraDan · #**1826** (**permalink**) 07-17-2003, 02:46 AM

Mrs. Day's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother
you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Day's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ass ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

CobraDan · #**1827** (**permalink**) 07-19-2003, 07:52 AM

Priest invites a rabbi to his home for dinner. He makes sure the kitchen is made kosher and the food served is kosher as well.

During the meal, which is in the priest's very fancy house, the rabbi couldn't help notice how pretty the maid was. The astute priest sees the rabbi's reaction and says, "I know what you must be thinking, rabbi. But I assure you that my relationship with the maide is strictly a business relationship and nothing more."

A week later, the maid notices that the fancy silver punch ladle is missing. She says to the priest, "The ladle seems to be missing since the rabbi was here. Is there any possibility he may have taken it?"

The priests sends the rabbi a letter saying:

"I'm not saying that you did take the silver punch ladle, nor am I saying that you didn't. But the fact remains that since you have been here for dinner, the ladle has been missing."

The rabbi responds:
"I'm not saying that you sleep with the maid, nor am I saying that you don't. But the fact remains that had you been sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the ladle by now."

XXQQQME · #**1828** (**permalink**) 07-23-2003, 09:57 AM

One year after graduating, three college gals planned a reunion to re-live some memories. They met at their favorite pub near the campus and proceeded to get stumble down, stupid drunk.

They met for a late lunch the next day and argued as to whom was the drunkest . . .

Gal #1: I was so drunk, I went home and blew chunks for an hour! Now that's drunk!

Gal #2: I was so drunk, I hit the first tree I couldn't see, wrecked the car, walked home and slept in the bushes. Now that's drunk!

Gal #3: I was so drunk, I went home, got into a big argument with my husband and burned the house down! Now that's drunk!

Gal #1: No, no, no . . . you girls don't understand. "Chuncks" is my dog!!!

CobraDan · #**1829** (**permalink**) 07-23-2003, 05:27 PM

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going
to town. The boy rode on the donkey and
the old man walked. As they went along
they passed some people who remarked
it was a shame the old man was walking
and the boy was riding. The man and boy
thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both
would walk! Soon they passed some
more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent
donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that
shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey. As
they crossed the bridge, they lost
their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass good-bye.

Have A Nice Day!
(Careful with your donkey)

NeedAntiVenom · #**1830** (**permalink**) 07-31-2003, 07:45 PM

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned
the next day, complaining that she couldn't
figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that
the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!" The radio
replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On
The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music,
and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome
songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly
creamed her new car, but she swerved in time
to avoid him. "ASSHOLES!" she yelled, .......
the French National Anthem, sung by the Dixie
Chicks, began to play.

Art Burtt · #**1831** (**permalink**) 08-23-2003, 08:55 AM

An elderly man goes into th Social Security Office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asks for his driver license
as proof of his age. He reaches in his pocket for his wallet and realizes he's left it at home. I'll have to come back he tells her. She says open your shirt,he does, and she says, the gray hair on your chest is proof enough and she processes his claim. He goes home and tells his wife what happened. She says, you should have dropped your pants you might have gotten disability too!

KobraKarl · #**1832** (**permalink**) 09-12-2003, 06:10 PM

Two families move from Iraq to America. When they arrive, the
fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has
become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My
son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to
pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "phuck you, towel-head!

BMK · #**1833** (**permalink**) 09-13-2003, 03:37 AM

An Australian and an American businessman meet in a hotel bar for a drink after a long day at a conference.

I'll have a Bud the American tells the waiter.

I'll have a lemonade orders the Aussie.

Hey the American says how come you are drinking lemonade.

Well if your not drinking beer the Aussie replies I thought that I better follow.

Fosters lives on

valpodoc · #**1834** (**permalink**) 10-03-2003, 08:14 PM

Enjoy...Roland

valpodoc · #**1835** (**permalink**) 10-03-2003, 08:15 PM

Sorry it's supposed to say "cause of the Blackout found"
Roland

bmercer · #**1836** (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 05:49 AM

Walking into the bar, Henry said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie
I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you chicken**** "

Fred Douglass · #**1837** (**permalink**) 10-16-2003, 09:00 PM

....it seems that the animal-trainer at the Ringling Bros. Circus had two village idiots as assistants. He employed them primarily to clean out the cages and holding-pens. They were constantly bugging him to let them ride a camel. When the circus came into a town, there was always a parade with elephants, camels and horses. The head trainer finally relented and gave the idiots the oldest and most docile camel to ride.

Off they went. Whenever they rounded a corner with a crowd, there was cheering, jeering, and other commentary. AZfter passing each crowded arfea, the rearmost rider bailed out, ran around to the camel's rear, lifted the tail and studied what he found under there. After about six of these incidents, the "driver" blew his stack: "Stanley, whatterya doin'? You're makin' the people laugh at us!"

Stanley said: "Well, every time we go by a crowd, someone always yells: 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!'---I was just checkin'...!"

Art Burtt · #**1838** (**permalink**) 10-26-2003, 08:22 AM

A guy is walking down a street in New Orleans when he notices a funeral procession going by. Two black hearses are follwed by a man dressed in black with a Doberman Pincer dog on a leash.
Following him about 10 yds. back is a single file line of 60 men. The procession comes to a halt at a traffic light and the guy walks out to the man with the dog and says "this is some funeral.who died?" The guy replies my wife and my mother-in-law. The guy asks,What happened? The man replies this dog killed both of them. The guy is astonished and says This dog killed them? The man says yes sir. The guy asks can I borrow your dog? the man replies sure ,get in line!!

CobraDan · #**1839** (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 04:04 AM

A Lady walks into a Shelby Cobra dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect red Cobra and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is Jim a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SH!T when you hear the price."

WBofTN · #**1840** (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 09:47 AM

A rich white man in Richmond, Virginia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10-ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the 'gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the 'gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts and choke holds, biting the 'gator on the tail and flipping the 'gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the 'gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the 'gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. Then, how about half a million bucks?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthaf*cka who pushed me in the pool."