Joke of the Day... - Page 93

zipzip · #**1841** (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 10:49 AM

A picture's worth a thousand words...

CobraDan · #**1842** (**permalink**) 10-30-2003, 04:58 PM

My recent letter to Spike, the boy who proposed to my daughter:

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the
park. Sure my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full scholarship.
After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.......

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

WBofTN · #**1843** (**permalink**) 12-10-2003, 08:17 AM

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her a$$, and I aim to kill it."

CobraDan · #**1844** (**permalink**) 12-19-2003, 08:10 AM

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rushhour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On
Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have
answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from
the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

CobraDan · #**1845** (**permalink**) 12-22-2003, 05:51 AM

'Twas 13th December, when deep in Iraq,
the 4th I.D. had a big enemy to track.
Saddam's stockings were smelly from months on the lam,
In hopes that Dean or Kerry would soon take command;
Our soldiers were nestled in their desert humvees,
they'd been told they were hunting Iraqi V.I.Ps;
And Saddam with head lice infesting his cap,
Had just settled down for an Iraqi-type nap,
When out on the farm there arose such a clatter,
He sprang from his shack to see what was the matter.
Away to his hideout he flew in a snit,
Tore open his pants leaping into the pit.
The searchlight on the dictator now caught in our snare,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to his nasty wild hair.
When, what to our soldiers' wide eyes should appear,
But a bedraggled old dictator cowering in fear!
Beneath the dirty old beard and the lice in his mane,
They were amazed to discover that it was Saddam Hussein.
More rapid than eagles they called up old Rummy,
And he whistled, and shouted, and said, "This is yummy!"
"Now, Condi! now, Sanchez! now, Cheney and Bush!
On, TV! on Radio! and Free Republic! Let's Rush!
To the top of the news! Get this video on!
Call FNC first! Then Dan Rather and Tom!
As a gloved doctor examined the smelly old goat,
he shoved a big wooden stick down Saddam's nasty throat,
Around the world in a flash the footage it flew,
As the French and Russians gulped, wondering what we now knew.
And then, in a twinkling, we heard from our leader
as he confirmed the capture of the despotic bottom feeder.
As he concluded his announcement, they replayed the scene,
(We heard nothing from Clark and nothing from Dean).
Saddam was covered in filth, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all greasy, with ashes and soot;
A bundle of money he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler who'd sold out to Chirac.
His eyes -- how they sagged! his dimples now pits!
His forehead was covered with curious zits!
His head was examined for vermin and lice,
shaved his face of the beard that was his disguise;
A large piece of wood was probed in his mouth,
(And we don't even know if the gloved hand went South);
He still had a fat face but had lost his round belly,
His clothes were a shambles and his feet downright smelly.
He was skinny and drawn, the lying old coward,
And I laughed when I thought of the speech made by Howard;
But the spin of the media and a liberal talking head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
Dean spoke not a word; Kerry went straight to work,
And tried to get airtime; (sounds just like the jerk),
Bush kept it short, not given to prose,
And giving a nod, up the polls he rose;
He sprang back to work, to his team gave a whistle,
And to D.C. they flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he went on his way,"Happy Christmas to all,
and God Bless the USA!"

BMK · #**1846** (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 05:11 AM

Hey

Why do woman wear white at their wedding??

All kitchen appliances come in white.

Bernie

Bernie Knight
Mt. Gambier South Australia.

Home of "Weekend at Bernie's #2" - March 13th/14th

BMK · #**1847** (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 05:17 AM

Four guys are about to tee off on the golf course when a hearse drives past.

One suddenly places his iron back in his bag, removes his baseball cap, blesses himself and waves.

One of his group asks "Is he religious or something"

"No" his friend replied "His wife died yesterday and their just taking her to the cemetary"

Bernie

Bernie Knight
Mt. Gambier South Australia

Home of "Weekend at Bernie's #2" - March 13th/14th.

Art Burtt · #**1848** (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 07:52 AM

Four guys had played golf every Sat. for twenty five years. Every Sat. rain or shine they teed off at 7:00 sharp. One Sat. one guy doesn't show up,they wait for 1/2 hour and then tee off without him. The next Sat. 7:00 all four meet at the golf course. Naturally
they ask the guy where he was last Sat. He says I'd prefer not to talk about it. One of his friends says wait a minute we've been a foursome for 25 years and never once has any of us missed our 7:00 tee time. I think some explaining is in order. The guy finally relents and says well I was born with both sets of sex organs,
and I was too embarrased to tell anyone. Last week the doctor told me as I got older I'd have to decide whether I want to continue my life as a man or a woman,and you'll be glad to know I am completely male now. His friends listened to his story and were speechless. Finally one guy spoke and said you stupid bastard,all these years you could have been hitting form the ladies tees???

BLACKJACK · #**1849** (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 09:51 AM

EARLY ONE THURSDAY MORNING THREE RELIGIOUS LEADERS WERE OUT ON A BOAT FISHING.

FATHER O'MALLEY, REVEREND JONES AND RABBI GOLDSTEIN HAVE BEEN "FISHING BUDDIES" FOR YEARS AND HAD DISCUSSED MANY ISSUES OF THEOLOGY TOGETHER.

THIS PARTICULAR THURSDAY THE SUBJECT WAS "EXACTLY" WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN???

WELL - - FATHER O'MALLEY, STICKING TO THE "PARTY LINE", INFORMED HIS FRIENDS THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH BELIEVES THE LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION. REVEREND JONES CHIMED IN THAT THE PROTESTANTS DON'T "CUT IT QUITE THAT CLOSE". WE BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH. RABBI GOLDSTEIN LEANS BACK IN THE BOAT AND IN HIS MOST PROFOUND VOICE SAYS, "FELLAS, LET ME TELL YOU - AND THIS COMES FROM EXPERIENCE AS WELL AS OUR RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE. LIFE BEGINS - - - WHEN THE LAST KID LEAVES HOME AND THE DAMN DOG DIES.

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY.

BLACKJACK

KobraKarl · #**1850** (**permalink**) 12-23-2003, 06:35 PM

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a
couple of his friends late one night, and led the way
to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests
asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk
replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The
three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole...it's ten past three in the morning!"

CobraDan · #**1851** (**permalink**) 12-25-2003, 09:56 AM

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish.
Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the Church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up.
"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the nuns stood up!

Don · #**1852** (**permalink**) 12-25-2003, 11:24 AM

Did not check all 1,850 posts, so,........ this might, is, could etc., be a duplicate, repeat, mentioned before, etc., etc.,

http://politicalhumor.about.com/

CobraDan · #**1853** (**permalink**) 12-27-2003, 03:14 PM

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up! the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the wind Ha, wow, she's naked! What the h@ll? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor, my good friend in there with her....... He's naked too! That b*tch! That b**tard!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson. The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the husband impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

CobraDan · #**1854** (**permalink**) 12-28-2003, 05:28 AM

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

CobraDan · #**1855** (**permalink**) 12-30-2003, 02:29 PM

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked
up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about,
asked "what's your hurry"?

To which I replied,"I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.

The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side
to side, until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six foot
asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radargun and park him behind a
bridge..."

Traffic ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

Look on the cop's face: Priceless

CobraDan · #**1856** (**permalink**) 12-31-2003, 09:58 AM

Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in the dumps.
Whats the matter? Bill asked.
I dont get it, Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damned people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me.
Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didnt like me.
"And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband could'nt stand me!

CobraDan · #**1857** (**permalink**) 01-02-2004, 04:23 PM

boxhead · #**1858** (**permalink**) 01-07-2004, 03:51 AM

> A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all
> > the different kinds of boobs?"
> >
> > Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be
> normal
> > if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
> woman's
> > age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
> > firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
> but
> > hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
> >
> > Onions, Dad?"
> >
> > Yeah, when you see them they make you cry...."
> >
> > Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds
> > of weenies are there?"
> >
> > The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter,
> a
> > man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his weenie is
> > like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
> like
> > a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
> Christmas
> > tree."
> >
> > A Christmas tree?"
> >
> > Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

CobraDan · #**1859** (**permalink**) 01-07-2004, 05:52 AM

Business Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If the letters of the alphabet A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z, were represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26, then:

H - A - R - D -- W - O - R - K would be:
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K - N - O - W - L - E - D - G - E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A - T - T - I - T - U - D - E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

however --

B - U - L - L - S - H - I - T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A - S - S - K - I - S - S - I - N - G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there, it's Bull**** & Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

CobraDan · #**1860** (**permalink**) 01-07-2004, 05:57 AM

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching
traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering
wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow
and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams
profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses
her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-
rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a
gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands
in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she
shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with
her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and
place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the
police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched,
booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm
really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front
of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life"
license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker,
the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome
plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."