Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish.
Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?"
All the men inside the Church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up.
"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the nuns stood up!

[Don]

Did not check all 1,850 posts, so,........ this might, is, could etc., be a duplicate, repeat, mentioned before, etc., etc.,

http://politicalhumor.about.com/

[CobraDan]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up! the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the wind Ha, wow, she's naked! What the h@ll? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor, my good friend in there with her....... He's naked too! That b*tch! That b**tard!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson. The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the husband impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[CobraDan]

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

[CobraDan]

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked
up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about,
asked "what's your hurry"?

To which I replied,"I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" I responded.

The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side
to side, until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six foot
asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radargun and park him behind a
bridge..."



Traffic ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

Look on the cop's face: Priceless

[CobraDan]

Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in the dumps.
Whats the matter? Bill asked.
I dont get it, Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many damned people you have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, but her father hated me.
Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but SHE didnt like me.
"And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband could'nt stand me!

[CobraDan]

[boxhead]

> A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all
> > the different kinds of boobs?"
> >
> > Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be
> normal
> > if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
> woman's
> > age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
> > firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
> but
> > hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
> >
> > Onions, Dad?"
> >
> > Yeah, when you see them they make you cry...."
> >
> > Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds
> > of weenies are there?"
> >
> > The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter,
> a
> > man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his weenie is
> > like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
> like
> > a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
> Christmas
> > tree."
> >
> > A Christmas tree?"
> >
> > Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

[CobraDan]

Business Mathematics

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If the letters of the alphabet A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z, were represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26, then:

H - A - R - D -- W - O - R - K would be:
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and,

K - N - O - W - L - E - D - G - E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A - T - T - I - T - U - D - E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

however --

B - U - L - L - S - H - I - T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A - S - S - K - I - S - S - I - N - G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there, it's Bull**** & Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

[CobraDan]

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the
man didn't notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching
traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering
wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn't move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the
man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow
and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams
profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the
intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses
her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-
rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a
gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands
in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she
shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with
her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and
place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the
police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched,
booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the
door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the
original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, "I'm
really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front
of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life"
license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker,
the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome
plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[CobraDan]

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied.

"I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a

child.

What is your opinion.. about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment,then says,

"Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for

hunting.

But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a

creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in

some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at

the

lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!

The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.

Someone else must have shot that lion." . . .

"Exactly" Said the Doc.

[CobraDan]

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Cobra; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[CobraDan]

SOME RAMBLINGS from a RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
.........................

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
..........................

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
..........................

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
..........................

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
..........................

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! Has a cure been found yet??
...........................

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
............................

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
..............................

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
.............................

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Hope this brought some smiles your way!

[CobraDan]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:
"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."

[CobraDan]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."

"That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We will never forget you!'."

[Dwight]

A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. " So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND THE BEST YET.... A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct isle. He comes back with a huge bag of cotton balls, a ball of string, and puts them on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's sooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

[Dwight]

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The
missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each
other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[Dwight]

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT A TERRORIST IS DEPRESSED?


HE FEELS TO BAD TO KILL HIMSELF!


WHAT DO YOU CALL A LAWYER THAT GONE BAD?


A POLITICIAN!!!

[CobraDan]

A good ol boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the
darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then
managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost
empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now hon, why would you say such a mean thing."
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house and your bloodshot eyes, but,
mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

[Art Burtt]

The boys were just finishing up late nite bowling when someone suggests a little bar crawling. One of them says oh no it's late
and my wife would kill me. If I drive slowly down my street and turn the car off and coast into the driveway then open the front door very quietly. Up the stairs being careful to miss step number 7 and 11 cause they squeak. Into the bathroom and piss around the edge of the toilet,then I tiptoe into the bedroom and slide into bed. If I'm really
lucky she won't wake up and holler at me. His buddy replies,man you've got it all wrong. I speed down my street slam on the brakes, screech to a halt, and bump into the garage door. Then I open the front door and slam it,and pound up the steps. Into the bathroom and piss right in the middle of the bowl. I barge into the bedroom and yell, anybody around here want to get laid? I never hear a word!!!