Joke of the Day...

[boxhead]

> >> > Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at
> >
> > >>the Local
> >
> > >> > pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in
> >
> > >>the Middle of
> >
> > >> > the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes
> >
> > >>that there is
> >
> > >> > yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and
> >
> > >>discovers that his
> >
> > >> > drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer
> >
> > >>from side to
> >
> > >> > side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of
> >
> > >>a police
> >
> > >> > siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches
> >
> > >>Paddy's car and
> >
> > >> > asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story
> >
> > >>of the trees in
> >
> > >> > the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer
> >
> > >>Chris sakes,
> >
> > >> > Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[Dwight]

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was
confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
Secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You
graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some
Help. If I were to give
you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love those bama women
=================================
Alabama Crimson Tide
A group of UA friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a
couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried
the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I
figured no one is going to steal Henry!

===============================================
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at UA
was overheard saying
....
"when the end of the world comes, I hope to
be in Alabama."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20
years later than the rest of the civilized world.

==================================================
The young Alabamia came running into the
store and said to his
buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your
pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Alabamian answered, "I couldn't
tell, but I got the license number."
================================================== =====
NEWS FLASH! - Tuscaloosa Al-----
Alabama's worst air
disaster occurred when a small two-seater
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by
two University of Alabama students,
rashed into a cemetery earlier
today in Tuscaloosa.
Tide search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect the number to climb as digging
continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are
helping in the recovery efforts.

================================================== ===========
An Alabama State trooper pulled over a
pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

[SPEEDEAMON]

Here's sumpin' fer you Texans

A Houston father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Long Legs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Long Legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long Legs."

The little girl thought for a moment -- then she stomped them flat and said:

"Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that crap in Texas.

[Dwight]

FOR ALL THOSE "SENIOR MOMENTS"


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at
it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now, I think I know
where my hearing aid is."


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea!"

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so, of course, I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover.. rather than the big **** he always was!"



An elderly couple were on a cruise, and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore
with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found
something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from
the
boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to
her butt was an oyster.., and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .
.please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."



A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers were carrying the casket
out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They
heard a faint moan, and opened the casket, and found that the woman
was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died.
Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers
were again carrying the casket. As they carried the casket toward
the door, the husband cried out: "Watch that wall!"


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home.. He makes love to me
every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,
fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said,"How soon do you need to know?"



THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the
good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

[Edley Rondinone]

A man sees a Kissing Booth at a county fair. He sees that the sign says, "Kisses, $5 to $50 . The man asks the pretty woman inside the booth if the difference in price of the kisses is due to the length of the kiss.

The pretty young woman says "Nope. Lip Placement."

[BeanCounter]

Kansas Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're
mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "They're both Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be okay in California or
Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that in Kansas!"

Speed, we must have the same spiders up here

[SPEEDEAMON]

TEST FOR DEMENTIA...

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; If you
don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing
it or are still "with it."
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made
your own....OK, relax, clear your mind and....begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?












Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt
the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made
from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing here reading these
questions????? If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into
West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the
engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.Unfortunately the
engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack
in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West
Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West
Germany or in "no man's land"?












Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said, "Don't
bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute
then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?













Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but
you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit
the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people
get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and
five people get on. In
Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?















Answer: Don't you remember? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to
all your "friends" and hope they do better than you did!

[SPEEDEAMON]

A picture on the nightstand:

After a long night of making love,
he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[CobraDan]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with ! a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand"

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,! didn't you have
something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
===============================================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So,"! says the cop to the driver, where have
ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell ! out of
your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

================================================== =====

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident
down at the Guin ness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

==================================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tel l me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun...'

================================================== ==

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth! , sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

[Mark IV]

Patty O'Furniture...

Arrives home one night with a couple of tires slung over his shoulder...his wife, Maureen asks "Patty, what have ye there?"

"Tires", Patty answers.

"why, Patty, what are ye doin' with tires?"

"One of the lads down at the pub was sellin' them, they were a frightful good deal!"

"Patty, ye damn fool, ye have no car and no prospects of gettin' one, why would ye buy tires if ya have no need of them?"

Patty replied........................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...................."woman, you buy bras....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Rick (O'Toole)

[Mark IV]

..comes home one all drunk up as usual.....his wife calls from the top of the stairs.."Patty you're makin' enough noise to wake the dead!"

Patty replies "Woman, I'm tryin' to get a barrell 'o Guinness up the Stairs!"

She says "Ye damn fool, leave it for mornin'"

To which Patty replies " I can't, I've drunk it!!!!"

Erin go braless...

[CobraDan]

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree.

Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so just don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," said the dad.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son says, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "it was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie. The guys all congratulate her on her fine game.

She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. "Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honor she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Jameson's in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to her."That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"


REMEMBER:

AGE AND TREACHERY WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

[CobraDan]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me,"You should be hung."

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and
stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

Dan

[SPEEDEAMON]

THOSE FAIRIES

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband." said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and... abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...... abracadabra! ..........Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

The moral of the story:

Men might be bastards.

But Fairies are.................... Female!

[BMK]

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead enter a swim competition.

The must swim a Breaststroke time trial for 50 metres to qualify.

The Brunette and the Redhead finishy in record time and leave the pool.

A swim Coach notices the Blonde at the half way mark in trouble and runs down to find her going under for the last time. He pulls her out.

"They cheated she shouts", as she gains her breath.

"They used their arms".

[BMK]

A wife came home to find her husband in bed with a shapely blonde.

With super human strength borne of fury she drags him out of bed out the back door and down the yard to the back tool shed, she places his penis in a vice. She secures it tighly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up the hacksaw.

He was terrified and screamed

"Your not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the hacksaw in his hand. and said,

"Nope, I'm going to set fire to the tool shed. You do what ever you have to do."

[WBofTN]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not inte nd to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" The preacher fainted.

WB

[Dwight]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters:



While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Rich and his wife Deb, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other."



He addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"



Rich leaned over, touched Deb's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?



Thus began Rich's life of celibacy.

[bomelia]

UPI

Did you hear about some monks that were recently reviewing some copies of the bible (made by hand) in the 8th century AD? Turns out Celibate was an incorrect transcription. Up untill the 8th century, the word was Celibrate. At this moment, preists are storming the Vatican...full story at 10:00 PM.

MikeO

[CobraDan]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Cobra Roadster and his parents
began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Cobra costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So, the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car
like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her
name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and
asked me if I wanted to buy a Cobra Roadster for fifteen dollars."

"Oh, God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see
what's going on."

So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the
lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold
a Cobra for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to
Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He
asked me to sell his new Cobra and send him the money. So I
did."