Joke of the Day...

[uncltodd]

An Oklahoma cowhand found himself trapped into attending a funeral in Manhattan.

After the funeral, he changed into his well-worn wranglers with the Skoal ring, beat-up boots, and sweaty cowboy hat and found a bar where he ordered a long-neck Budweiser.

After a few minutes a gal with short, spiked hair, all kinds of facial rings, and black lipstick sat down next to him and said, "Are you a REAL cowboy?"

"Yes Ma'm," he replied.

"What might you be?"

"I'm a lesbian," she replied.

"All I think about all day long are beautiful young women with soft skin, sensuous curves, and bedroom eyes." Then she walked off.

A few minutes later a Metrosexual asked him the same question. "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Waal," he said, "I thought I was until a few minutes ago, then I found out I was a lesbian."

Sorry, couldn't resist

UT

[bomelia]

A wife asked her husband if it would be OK to spend money on a breast enlargement. Being as frugal as he was, he wasn't all that excited about the prospect. Then, he had an idea. "Honey, before we go to that expense, would you try something else to see if it will work?" "What is it?" she asked. "Take a small piece of toilet paper and rub it in small circles between your breasts for a month or so and see if that doesn't work" he said. "What? How could that possibly work?" she asked. He replied "Well, you've been doing that to your butt for years and look how big it got!"

Please, don't tell this to your wives...they never think it is a funny joke.

Mike

[MilwDoug]

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mama's house;
you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her.

I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.

As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Well now ... what did she have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy

[MilwDoug]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "If the ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."

[ohekk]

JEALOUS WORLD

One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he
decided to go around the world, granting people their
fondest wishes.

First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking
Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me
what you want most, and I will grant it to you."

The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most
beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a
house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is!
Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me?
Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than
Nigel's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared
magically. The Englishman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad
Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted
most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the
most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a
wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a
beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife
even more beautiful than Pierre's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman
appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a
sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted
most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty
has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I
don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as
good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful
car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car
even nicer than Marty's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati
appeared. The American was delighted.

Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking
Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The
Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying
job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't
find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is.
Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want
you to give me a job even better than Kenji's."

The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.

Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a
sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in
life. The Arab answerd, "My cousin Abdul has the most
beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have
any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as
he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?"

The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock
of your own?"

The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to
kill all of Abdul's goats!"

[bomelia]

That last genie joke was a bit sad.

SO...

A man walks into a bar (sheesh, how many jokes start like that?)
Anyways, hit sits down at the bar and orders a drink. While the bartender is preparing his drink, the man reaches into his coat and pulls out a small grand piano, perfect in all the details and sets it on the bar. Next, he pulls out a real live, 10 inch tall concert pianist and sets him near the piano. By now the bartender is beginning to think HE needs a drink. Anyways, the pianist sits down and begins to play. Soon, the most beautiful piano music ever heard begins to fill the bar. Amazed, the bartender asks him where he got such a thing. The man explained that there was a genie down the street granting wishes. In a flash, the bartender was out of there and soon standing in a crowd of people asking for wishes. Finally it was his turn and his wish was for a million bucks. Next thing ya know the air is full of ducks flying and landing all over the place. Disgusted and dejected the bartender went back to his bar. Upon returning,
the bartender told the man about his misfortune. The man laughed and said "yeah, I think the genie is somewhat deaf. You don't actually think I asked him for a 10 inch pianist, do you?"

Mike

[bomelia]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped out of her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Hehehe. Mike

[superschwan427]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Three guys walk into a bar and the fourth one ducks.

[superschwan427]

i just found someone else already used my joke, danget. Joke theif.

[bomelia]

Aim low barks the sherrif...them cowpolks are ridin' Shetlins!

Mike

[CobraDan]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that 3-year-old Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made
me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[cobra de capell]

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece o paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[CobraDan]

Ferrari




A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right..but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers:

*
*
*
*
*
*


"Unhook...my..suspenders...from....
your...side-view.......mirror"!

[MilwDoug]

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual
things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days,
however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored,
and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun,
take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the
nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

[ohekk]

no dogs...but lots of cats!

[cobra de capell]

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings.

Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

[Edley Rondinone]

A man and his wife go to the zoo. It is Wednesday, and there are very few people. The couple go to the gorilla exhibit, and they see this one large male, calmly eating a banana. The man says to his wife, "Give this gorilla a thrill, and show him your boobs." The woman looks around, sees no other people, then lifts up her top and flashes her boobs at the gorilla, who becomes a bit excited at her perfectly-shaped boobs.
The man then says to his wife, "Hey, really give that gorilla a thrill, and show him your "love nest!" The woman looks around again, sees no other people, raises her skirt, drops her panties, and runs her fingers all around her "love nest."
The gorilla sees this, and becomes VERY animated, beating his chest and pointing at the woman, whooping and hollering as excited gorillas do when they get aroused.
At this point, the man picks up his wife, throws her over the fence into the gorilla exhibit, and says to her, " Now tell HIM you got a freaking headache!"

[NeedAntiVenom]

Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Massachussetts."


A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England!


"The next one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.


"The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a fellow who was high on pot and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a large nose. Now John Kerry is running for president of the United States."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Jim;

Heard one similar,but being from Louisiana,the third surgeon was an ole cajun named Boudreaux.....

His story went something like this after the other two.....

"My old friend Thibodeaux is in the Navy and on one of his leaves,I grafted two boobs on his back, and,if his rear end holds out,we both going to be millionares."

David

[bomelia]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you." replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by
the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and
cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long
story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the
house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every
position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky bastard. Was she
pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head."