Joke of the Day...

[cobra de capell]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but I didn’t believe them.”

[CobraDan]

http://www.bluemountain.com/view.pd?...y&source=bma99

[VRM]

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.
"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty

[Excaliber]

This test is for "A" list celebrities only (I like question #4 myself).

California Department of Motor Vehicles: Celebrity Driving Test

• 
  1. A group of shouting pedestrians crosses in front of your vehicle, carrying what appear to be cameras and tape recorders. You should:
  • Stop. Pedestrians have the right of way.
  • Stop. Hide face behind sun visor.
  • Stop. Remove baby from lap, place in properly secured child seat.
  • Speed up: "Paparazzi" is Italian for "roadkill."
  2. In an automobile with a manual transmission, the "clutch" is the:
  • Pedal on the right
  • Pedal on the left
  • Prada bag in left hand
  • Bold play for sex
  3. Before leaving a hot club, a safe driver must consider whether he/she is intoxicated. Based on the full range of female body weights in "the industry," match the alcoholic beverages consumed per hour [left] with the weight [right] that would cause legal intoxication, public flashing, unfortunate hairstyles, or hospitalization for "exhaustion."
  Drinks per Hour Body Weight 1 86 pounds .1 88 pounds .01 93 pounds .001 95 pounds .0001 97 pounds
  4. A police officer signals you to pull over. Upon reaching the shoulder, you should:
  • Call publicist
  • Remove registration from glove compartment
  • Remove drugs from glove compartment, stash in underwear
  • Underwear?
  5. To drive safely in heavy fog in the canyons, you should use:
  • Fog lights only
  • High beams
  • Low beams
  • video iPod
  6. Four vehicles arrive simultaneously at red-carpeted intersection, as Officer Seacrest directs traffic. Which has the right of way to hog the camera?
  • Black limousine
  • Toyota Prius
  • Ferrari Enzo
  • Kia DiCaprio
  7. Your vehicle is stopped on suspicion of drunken driving. A police officer requests a breathalyzer exam. Hoping to salvage career and reputation, you:
  • Remind police of large personal contributions to their salaries.
  • Describe noteworthy physical attributes of female officers.
  • Reveal existence of massive Jewish conspiracy.
  • Flash famous grin
  • All of the above
  8. For each vehicle operator [left], match correct number of license suspensions [right] that will result in meaningful jail time:
  Operator # of Suspensions Platinum blond heiress 27 Brunette check-out girl 2 Gangsta rapper 6 All-American Quarterback xx3
  True/False
  9. Britney couldn't find her car's ignition with a flashlight and a search party. T/F
  10. It is illegal to operate or be seen in a motor vehicle worth less than $100,000. T/F
  Fill-in Section:
  11. Based on DMV statistics, the average speed at which a Lamborghini will strike a lamppost is _____.
  12. On average, an owner will travel _____ miles from the dealership before his new Lamborghini strikes a lamppost.
  13. ____, the distance a Lamborghini owner will cover on foot, prior to apprehension for lamppost violations.
  Special Section (to be completed by professional athletes ONLY):
  14. In a motor vehicle with belted positions for five occupants, the correct number of handguns is ____.
  15. Traveling west on Wilshire Blvd. at 35 mph, you signal for a right turn on La Cienega. Slowing for an ambulance, you proceed east on Sunset Boulevard. Checking all mirrors, you merge onto the Hollywood Freeway, exit and proceed north on Coldwater Canyon before executing a perfect parallel-park. Along the route described, there are precisely ____ strip clubs.
  16. Essay Question: Why are hockey players such lousy drivers? Would they be better off driving on ice?
  Extra Credit:
  17. Correctly identify the worst celebrity driver in U.S. history:
  • James Brown
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Sen. Edward "Ted" Kennedy
  • Billy Joel
  • Juan Pablo Montoya

[cobra de capell]

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

~~~~~

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.

~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

~~~~~

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

~~~~~

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

~~~~~

Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush.

~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

~~~~~

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Perty' near took out the whole trailer park.

~~~~~

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

~~~~~

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

~~~~~

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

~~~~~

What's the most popular pick-up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

[rollinggeorge]

Hillary and Guillani are walking down the street arguing whose party is best for the nation. They pass a man down on his luck and Rudy reaches in his pocket and hands him a $20 bill.

They continue down the road and they pass another pitiful soul. Hillary not wanting to be outdone by the Republican reaches in Rudy's pocket, pulls out a $50 bill, takes $25 for administration expenses and hands the poor soul $25.

If you rob Peter to pay Paul you are assured Paul's vote.

[GlynMeek]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[cobra de capell]

“Thank God it's not Friday" - Rated R
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie.
You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."”

[Ron61]

This is bad I know, but soooo funny.

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but
the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On
her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has
won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United
States.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering
telephones giving technical advice.

[letsboogie351]

Being a dedicated union member can be a problem..............


A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie , Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

[acecob]

What do you call a greek with a Tampon in his ear

Abzorba

[Euro-427]

OK - I'll try this one!!

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car, when we hit a big pothole in the road, and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.


Next little Sarah nervously raised her hand and said,
'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon.
She was the flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*** away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[A Cobra guy]

A cute newly wed drives up to her mothers house in a new Mercadies convertable. Mom gets in and they drive back to the brides new home so Mom can see it. It's a huge mansion complete with pool, serveants, and a 6 car garage. (The groom was out for a cruse in his Cobra)

During lunch the bride confesses to her mother that there is a problem. In the month that that have been married the husband only wants anal sex. She says "Mom, it's terrible, my butt used to be the size of a dime and now it's the size of a half dollar! "
The mother pauses, looks around at the house and all its contents. Finaly she says...."So, you want to give all this up for 40 cents????"

[cobra de capell]

Would it not be a kick to tow these ballons down the freeway going about 90 MPH?

[Joe Wicked]

LMAO those balloons rock.

[GlynMeek]

DEAR GOD, I SO WANT SOME OF THOSE BALLOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone have an idea where you can get them????

[pasnbyu]

There was a ham and cheese sandwich walking down the street, one day. He got thirsty and walked into a bar and sat down. He asked the bartender fro a Jack Daniels over. The bartender said..."Sorry, but we don't serve food here".

[CobraDan]

Lewinsky and Kaczynski
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the
'Style Invitational'. The requirements this week were to use the two words
'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same
limerick. Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually
printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front
page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

[cobra de capell]

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked.

‘Actually, yes, I do.’

‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked.

‘No. I rather like it.’

‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t
practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to
get pregnant.’

The woman was mystified. ‘What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

‘Of course,’ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think liberals come from.

[TL Marcel]

The Lone Ranger riding across the plains…

He rides over a small hill and – there – he sees Tonto lying on the ground, ear to the dirt.

Lone Ranger: “Tonto – what are you doing?”

T: “How! Kemo Sabe – stage coach, 4 horses, 2 black, two white, two drivers and 4 passengers, brown luggage up top…”

LR: “What? Amazing! You can hear it coming?”


T: “Nope... Just ran over me!”