Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room
For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His
Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered
A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been
In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be
The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?



Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such
Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined
Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate. After He
Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan
Park High School. "yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang," He Gleamed
With Pride.



"when Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1968. Why Do You Ask?"
"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.



He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat-ass,

Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-***** Asked, "what Did You Teach?"

[CobraDan]

Just "FRED"

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker
a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to
have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along
with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me
all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally
got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing
dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave
me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the
ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my
Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[stumpeater]

Two Oldies meet in a Retirement Village, enjoy each others company so much they decide to get married straight away. They get married in the Chapel and go back to their new room for their first "night" together. As they are getting undressed, the woman says, "Oh, I better warn you, I have acute angina" He replies, " Just as well, your Boobs are awful!"

[Bxx1]

Originally Posted by dave from mesa

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder They support the bill to help illegal aliens!!
Now You Know.

It would have been hilarious if it was true!

[boblyon1]

An elderly lady in a wheelchair at a local nursing home happened to notice a new male resident who was undergoing "orientation" with a staff member.

When she later found him alone in the hallway they began chatting. She told him she was psychic and could tell him his exact age. He said, go ahead, so she reached into his pants, fondled him for several minutes, then proudly told him, "you're 76 years old".

He replied, "thats amazing, how do you do it?" She said, "Easy, your date of birth is on your wrist band!".

[CobraDan]

Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Bob.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID
Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is.."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!"
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
I said, "Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax; it's a yellow ranch style house, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that my gay lover said he was on his way
over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about a gang war going down on Oak tree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.

[CobraDan]

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
THE ECONOMY
'This is way worse than a divorce...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife.'

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.


'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[Tangible Toys]

There is a blonde, brunette & a redhead at the OBGYN office waiting for their appointments, they started chatting and the brunette said to them I know what Im having, Im having a boy because I was on top, the redhead said then I must be having a girl because I was on the bottom, the blonde is shaking her head saying no no, the redhead and brunette ask her whats the matter the blonde replies....I think Im having puppys!

[Tangible Toys]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

[Tangible Toys]

These are true stories...thought they were close enough to jokes

2008 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, has a crime been committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family.. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! **

[Tangible Toys]

BLONDE IN THE SNOW

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that
visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.

She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about
her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got
caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and
follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any
problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out
and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as
she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught
in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could
continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was
going over to Sears next.

[speed220mph]

the Pope....


It was late at night as the Pope, who had departed this world, was
approaching the gates of heaven. There was no one around, but there was a
small shack just prior to the gates with a light on. The Pope stepped into
the shack and startled a young man half asleep sitting at a small gray desk.

"Excuse me" said the Pope, "but I'm supposed to check in here with St.
Peter, but there is no one at the gate."

"Yea, Yea" said the young man, "Where are your orders?"

"I don't have any orders," said the Pope.

"Well it's too late to check in tonight anyhow." said the young man, "Just
go around to the back of the building, find a rack and dump your gear in a
locker. St. Peter will be here in the morning and you can check in then."

The Pope grabs his stuff and walks around the building only to find a WWII
style open bay barracks. The racks are stacked three high and the only open
one is all the way at the end of the building, and it¢s on top. He drags his
stuff to the end of the building, but there is no locker for him. He takes
a deep breath, thinks about it for a minute and decides this is just one
final test. He crawls up into the rack and falls asleep.

Suddenly he is awakened by a loud commotion outside the barracks. As he
walks outside he sees a huge crowd of angels cheering and clapping as a gold
convertible limousine approaches. As it draws nearer, the Pope sees a guy in
a flight suit and Navy leather flight jacket in the back seat with a
beautiful angel on each arm, a beer in his hand and he is smoking one of the
biggest cigars the Pope has ever seen. The Pope turns to the young man who
checked him in and asks, "Who is that guy?"

"A Naval Aviator," the young man replies.

The Pope says, "I don't get it. I worked hard all of my life to do God's
work on earth. As a young man I studied hard at the seminary, as a priest I
labored hard to tend my flock and provide guidance when they strayed. I
struggled as a bishop to serve the church and as Pope, I was able to attract
more followers of the faith. Yet, when I reach heaven, St. Peter isn't here
to greet me. I have to carry my own bags. I'm stuck in the top rack of an
open bay barracks and I don't even have a locker for my bags!"

The young man looks at the Pope and says. "Look, we get a Pope every 20-30
years, but he is the only Marine aviator who has ever made it!"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot

In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy

Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a

Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't

Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy

Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,

Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she

Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your

daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking

[Bugman]

Here are some tips you all can share with the wife!

GOOD HOUSEKEEPER OR REAL WOMAN: TIPS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Got a headaches? Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a mug of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to care.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Go ask mister cute arse, cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Left over wine???? Helloooo...

[CobraDan]

Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how
this "bail-out" is going to work!

[acecob]

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ....'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'


The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia.' The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I am from Yugoslavia!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?'. She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'.

[acecob]

A CATTLE DOG STORY


Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick on an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes"

[Nantucket427]

A lady runs into the Police Station (out of breath). Officer, officer I have been raped by an idiot.
Well now calm down. How do you know he was an idiot?
I had to tell him what to do.

[Ron61]

1. Two Guys

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family
values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?"
Ralph replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

2. In Court

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," said the Divorce Court
Judge, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," said the husband. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few buck myself."