Joke of the Day...

[Flyin_Freddie]

I just heard this one coming into work this morning on the local 'Classic Rock' radio station, Rock103, here in Memphis.

Guy comes in from the office after an absolutely terrible day at the office. He's frazzled, fried, and frustrated as he comes in strips off his coat, jerks down his tie, and kicks off his shoes as he heads for the recliner. He plops down, grabs the remote and switches on ESPN. The wife says, "Bad day, Honey?". "Yep, it sucked from start to finish!" he replied. "But, before it starts, can you bring me a beer? ", he asks. "Sure", she replies, and goes to the fridge to get him a beer. She walks over and hands it to him. He just pops the top, slams it down and never looks up from the TV.

He continues to surf between ESPN, The Deuce, Sports South, and SpeedVision for another 20-30 minutes. Finally he hollers again, "Hey, before it starts, can you bring me another beer?". This time the wife replies a little more exasperated this time, "Yesssssssss." She rolls her eyes as he grabs the beer and slams it down without saying another word.

He channel surfs for another 30-40 minutes while she stays in the kitchen. He finally bellows out again, "HEY! Before it starts, bring me another beer!".

She's had it....she screams at the top of he lungs, "IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA LAY ON YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT DAMNED RECLINER AND WATCH SOME STUPID BALLGAME ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT WHILE I'M IN THIS GODFORESAKEN KITCHEN WORKIN' MY FREAKIN" FINGERS TO THE BONE FIXIN' DINNER FOR YOU AND YOUR SCREAMIN' KIDS, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMIN', BUSTER!"

"Sheeeee-it", he replies, "it's already started!"

[Dream Master]

OK, I'm in.

Three womens libers are returning from a convention of NOW. One says "I got so pumped up at the last convention that I ernt home and told my old man that he better have my dinner cooked my the time I got home every day. The other replied "what happened?" She says "The first dsy I didn't see much but by the second day he had it cooked and waiting for me.

The next lady says " Me too! I told my ole' man to have the clothes cleaned and folded before I got home." "and?" they replied........"Well the first day I didn't see much but my the second and third day he was right in line and did what I said"

The Third Lady says "I was really pumped up the last convention.....I told my man that he better get all the clothes done and have my food hot and waiting on the table for me as I got home from work!" " Well, How did it do with him?" they asked.........." Well the first day I couldn't see much.......but by the third day the swelling had gone down and I could just make out some shadows if I tried real hard!!!!!

Then her husband (Ron Frohs) cranked up his Cobra and ran over her, just to make sure she got the message. (thought I would keep this about Cobras)

Doug.........Next?

[Cobra20646]

- A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[Cobranut]

Two elderly ladies were driving along. Both were so short they could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The light was red but they cruised on through.

The lady in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we went thru a red light.

They came to another light, again it was red and they went right on thru.

This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red. She decided to pay close attention at the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they just blew right on thru.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, Did you know we just ran thru three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

"Oh, am I driving?"

[ohekk]

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double bourbon..Drinks that one down and quickly orders another....finishes that one and promptly orders a 3rd.

The bartender says... "Hey buddy...you're obviously trying to get drunk...have a bad day or what?"

Guy says: "Bad Day? yeah...I just caught my best friend doing my wife!"

Bartender asked "well what'd ya do?"

Guys says "Yelled at my wife...told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!"

Bartender says " So what did you say to your best friend?"






I told him "Bad Dog!!...BAAAD DOG!!!

[Turk]

A woman in her 70s, and a man his 80's were the best of friends. They had met only two years earlier at the Sunny Acres Retirement Home.
Their routine consisted of going for a walk every afternoon at 4.00 pm and then sitting on a bench for a few minutes with her hand on his crotch while a blanket covered both.

They would do this everyday, she enjoyed his company and he enjoyed the pleasure of having such warmth near him.

One day she looks for him at the regular time, and can't find him anywhere. She is worried sick, starts walking around by herself fearing the worst. She then sees him sitting at their regular bench with a lady older than her.
Upset about the disloyalty and her two timing, she marches up and confronts him asking "what does she have that she didn't'?

His response simply is
-"Parkinsons".

TURK

[Cobra20646]

An attorney is out on a trip around his New Jersey town. Banner in front of a tent on the East side of town, "DON'T MISS THE AMAZING SHELBY COBRA RACECAR DRIVER." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center of the stage. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired racecar driver.

Suddenly the racecar driver unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings. The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly racecar driver is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

About ten years later this same attorney visits Las Vagas and sees a faded sign for the same show , 'DON'T MISS THE AMAZING SHELBY COBRA RACECAR DRIVER.'

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The old racecar driver stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the three coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild.

Flabbergasted, the attorney requests a meeting with the racecar driver after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old racecar driver. "But I have to know something." "You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well", says the old racecar driver, "My eyes ain't what they used to be."

[Dream Master]

Cobranut, I'm surprised you remembered me.
I've since moved on to bowling balls.

You win....for now.

Thanks

[427sharpe]

1. A down on his luck guy is having a bad time finding a girlfriend, so he goes to a local cathouse. He tells the doorman, 'Pal, i'm down. What can I get for five bucks?' The doorman shows him to a basement room and takes his money. The customer flips on the light and sees only a chicken. He figures, what the heck and does the chicken. Satisfied, he leaves. The next week, still without luck finding a woman, he goes back to the whorehouse. 'Pal, I only got two bucks left.' The doorman shows him to a crowded room, with all of the patrons watching people engaged in the big nasty--disappointed, the customer leans to another patron and says 'This aint worth 2 bucks!' The other cust eyes him and says--"Ya take what ya get! Last week a guy was f****** a chicken!"
2. An obese fellow was scanning the newspaper, and sees an ad-"Lose 5 Pounds for 5 bucks". He goes to the address listed, and the owner shows him to a room where there is a good looking brunette with a sign--"If you can catch me, you can have me!" The guy chases her, and sure enough finally grabs her and makes love. He weighs himself at home later, and he is 5 lbs. lighter! He goes back again and asks to lose 15 pounds. The owner shows him to a room, inside a stunning blond with the same sign, same result. The fellow thinks, 5 was good, 15 was better--what must 50 be?? So he returns and offers $50. He is led to a room, inside is a 475 pound gorilla with a sign--"If I catch ya, I'm gonna......"

[poorboy]

MEDICAL ALERT!!!! Are you aware of the descovery in the human
body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is
called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a ****ty outlook on life. If you don't beleive me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it don't bring a tear to your eye.

Two little brothers were going to bed when the oldest says, " I'm going to say a bad word tomorrow. I'm going to say hell." The younger says, " Thats a good idea I'm goingto say ass."

The next morning as they set down for breakfast their mother asks the oldest what he would like. He said "Oh, hell give me some Rice Crispies." Their mother slapped him right out of his chair and asked the youngest what he would have. He said," Whell you can bet your ASS it ain;t Rice Crispies"

Poorboy

[Chad Johnson]

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has
finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves
his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the
young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline
handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks
him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the
date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they
ride to her parents house.

Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that
whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the
young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman
in front of her family. And no one says a word..! Next, he decides to take
a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the
table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!
By now, he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next, when he
hears thunder rolling in the distance. His first thought is to
protect the chrome of his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out
the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."

[CobraDan]

The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a
speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America"
The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
The American laughs and leans over.
"That's because it takes place in the future."

Dan

[R U YELLA]

Bob walks into a bar for a drink. He notices a sign that says "Tonights Entertainment is - Henry and His Amazing Donkey". He wonders about what this is all about! He sits down to listen to the act. Henry states that for $100 if you can make his donkey laugh you'll win $1000 bucks.
Bob saw many people fail and knew that he could do this with no problem! He gives Henry $100 and whispers something into the donkeys ear. The donkey falls to the floor rolling on the ground laughing uncontrolably. Henry gave Bob the money and Bob went home feeling good about his winnings.
A few weeks past and Bob went into the same bar and saw the sign "Tonights Entertainment is - Henry and His Amazing Donkey". He went in again to see what was going on. This time it was $1000 bucks if you could make the donkey cry. Once again Bob saw many people fail at their attempt but he knew that he would win. He gave Henry the $100 and said that he had to bring the donkey to a secluded room for a minute. Henry said sure. Bob led the donkey into another room and in less than 30 secs Bob was leading the donkey back in crying hysterically. Henry was baffled and gave Bob the $1000 bucks.
Bob was about to leave but Henry stopped him. "Now hold on a minute! I have given you $1000 bucks for making my donkey laugh and another $1000 bucks to make him cry. I at least have to know how you did it."
Bob said: "Sure. The first night I told him that my member was bigger than his. Tonight I showed him!!!!

[Flyin_Freddie]

This just in from the Middle Eastern front...

This one's for you, Roscoe! Can't believe I found this before you did....you been takin' your medicine?

[poorboy]

How to stop people from bugging you about getting married: Old Aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, " your next." They stoped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

poorboy

[ERA535]

The two gay guys are standing at a bus stop when an absolutely stunning woman walks by. They both stare at her until she disappears......then the one gay says to the other "you know, it's times like this I wish I was a lesbian."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it!!!" Mike
________
Kawasaki F2

[ERA535]

What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese in Ethiopia?

An Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection....





sorry....

[427sharpe]

ERA--that's not funny, thats sick!

[ERA535]

Yeah it is pretty bad. In fact it usually stops the joking.