Joke of the Day...

[Turk]

Pat,
I liked it. As a matter of fact it may be more meaningful if it was illustrated!!


TURK

[CobraDan]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him
and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Dan

[JimsGems]

More a statement of truth rather than a joke, please forgive me.

“Never be afraid of doing anything you choose… Remember The ARC was built by an amateur and The Titanic was built by professionals.”

Could apply to your Cobra, but we have some real good professionals in our group too.

[JimsGems]

This is a totally insensitive... I've never been accused of being Politically Correct, matter of fact I go out of my way not to be, unless "P.C." means "Patriotically Correct", well here goes...

The Ambassador from Pakistan and the Ambassador from Saudi Arabia asked if they could ask President Bush a question after his address last week at the United Nations. President Bush granted their request in respect for their assistance in the "War against Terrorism", both Ambassadors told the President that their children watched movies and television programs called Star Trek, they noticed there is a Russian, blacks and other races but no Arabs or Pakistanis or any mention of Muslims.

President Bush, being a very thoughtful man, took a few moments and smiled, leaned over so that the Ambassadors could hear him, he said softly... "There are no Arabs or Pakistanis or any mention of Muslims because this is in the future."

[CobraDan]

Jim,

Where were you when I posted that same joke on the 5th?

Dan

[Dave Samson]

Hey Turk, your wish has come true:

[JimsGems]

I wondered where I got the joke from... ups, sorry.

I've had a nap since the 5th and I'm feeling better... now I remember.

Dan, it's still very funny. Best, Jim

[dscott]

This is an Oly and Lena joke so you need to use the appropriate accent.

Lena goes to the doctor and tells him Oly just isn't interested in making love to her anymore. The doctor asks what she wears to bed, Lena tells him a flannel nightgown with buttons up the back. The doctor tells her to put the nightgown on backwards and leave the buttons undone so her breasts will be seen, fix her hair real pretty, put on makeup, and then ask Oly to go to bed. Lena does what the doctor told her. She fixed herself up real pretty, put her flannel nightgown on backwards, left the buttons undone so her breasts stuck out, went in to the living room and asked Oly, "Oly, ya notice anything diffrent!". Oly says, "Ya Lena, ya got yur nighty on bacards, the poop stain runs down the front now"
Don

[got snake?]

what do you call a 300lbs female Green Bay Packer fan?

anorexic.



GS

Tom Waddle on Fox said it before the GB and Bears game.

I know the bears lost but it was funny as hell before the game!

[CobraDan]

This not being a joke I made another post.

[Flyin_Freddie]

This shouldn't be on a 'Joke of the Day' thread, Dan. This merits posting all on it's own thread. Obviously we don't know this kid...at least I don't, anyway....but, his grasp of the world is phenomenal.

Please post this on another thread that's easier to identify, will you? I printed it off ...

[poorboy]

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bouns. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a stright line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to mesure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.


The secon man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-streched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.


When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."




The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.





The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"





"In Vietnam" the general replied.

[CobraDan]

Subject: Fw: Changing Places




A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set
up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Hahahaha! Don't you just love it?

[R U YELLA]

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan loudly in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other "non-player" must be in the bathroom at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4) Phone someone in the office whom you barely know, leave your name, and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



THREE-POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style," and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that? I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



FIVE-POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office, and while he watches you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off ten times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a 'number two'."

5) After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon." Do this for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move his chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up! All of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, kneel down and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's diary, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights."

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same person. "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he has won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

[CobraDan]

Dog Fight

George and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one big dog fight. They agreed that they would have five years to breed the best fighting dogs in the world and who's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama and his dog handler Mohammed found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find. From the litters, they selected the biggest and strongest puppy and trained it day and night to fight to the death.
After five years Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, George and his dog handler, Boudreaux, showed up with a nine foot long Dachshund.
It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux said it was a Cajun Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for George and Boudreaux because they knew there was
no way that this poor excuse for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean animal. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came out of its cage, wagged its tail, then waddled over towards Osama's dog.
The Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and leaped out of its cage, then charged the poor Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the snarling beast. Osama came up to George and Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?" "DA's easy," said Boudreaux, the Cajun? "We 'ad our bess plastic surgins working' fo' five year for to make dat gator look like a weenie dog."

[MilwDoug]

There was a guy in a bar one night who got very very very drunk.
I mean really really really plastered. When the bar was getting
ready to close, he got up and stumbled out the door.

As he left, he noticed a nun walking down the street, so he
stumbled over to her, and punched her in the face.

The punch stunned her, and she fell to the ground. The drunkard
grabbed her by her rosary beads and started kicking her in the
face. Then in the ribs. Then in the face again.

After the beating, he leaned over her bruised body and said,
"You're not such a ****in' tough guy tonight,... are you Batman?"

[stush]

A fellow goes to see a doctor because of persistant headaches and after the doctor examines him he informs the patient that it is a rare case but the only cure for his headaches is castration. The fellow thinks it is kind of extreme and declines the surgery but over the next few weeks the headaches continue and so he finally agrees to castration.

After discharge from the hospital his headaches are gone and he has never felt as good. In fact he feels so good that while passing a mens store he decides to treat himself to new clothes. Might as well look good if I feel this good. He walks in the store and informs the salesman he would like a suit. The salesman looks at him and says"44 Long". the fellow "says how did you know". The salesman says"I'm a salesman this is what I do". The fellow puts the suit on and it fits like no suit he ever had on...perfect. He next asks the salesman that he will need a shirt. the salesman looks at him and says "16 1/2 35". The man very impressed asks the salesman "how did you know?". the salesman answered " I am a salesman this is what I do". Well needless to say the shirt fit like it had been custom made. the fellow feeling better with each clothing item decides he needs shoes. the salesman looks at the fellows feet and says "11 EEE". The fellow is amazed and says "how did you know". the salesman says, "I am a salesman this is what I do". The fellow next decides to complete everything he needs new underwear and asks the salesman for some. The salesman looks at him and says "36 waist". The fellow looks at the salesman and says "I'm not a 36 waist, I wear 34". The salesman however says "sure you are". the fellow insists that he is not a 36 but is a 34.

The salesman says to the guy, "you cant wear a 34 waist it will pinch your testicles against the base of your spine and cause a hell of a headache"

Stu

[MilwDoug]

There was a virgin that was going out on her first date and
she told her grandmother about it. The grandmother says "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys."

"He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that
but, don't let him do that."

"He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to
like that but, don't let him do that."

"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you
are going to like that but, don't let him do that."

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you
and have his way with you. You are going to like that but,
don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date
and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next
day she told her grandmother "My date went just like you said
it would, but I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he
tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his
family."

[Kim Pallister]

A guy comes into work at the garage one day and he's sporting a big shiner over his left eye.

His buddy asks "Where'd you get the black eye?"

"Church." he replies

"Church?!?" his buddy exclaims.

"Yep. Church. We're there yesterday, and we all stand up to sing hymns. There's a very shapely young lady in front of me in a nice flowered dress. However, the dress is kind of stuck in her crack. Not wanting her to look the fool, I kindly reached over the pew and pulled it out. She turns around and hits me!"

A week goes by and the shiner goes from blue to green to yellow and is fading. Monday, they come into work again, and this time the guy has a massive shiner over his right eye.

"Holy crap!" his buddy exclaims "How'd you get another black eye?"

"Church."

"Church!!!! AGAIN?!?"

"We there yesterday, and we all stood up to sing hymns. The same shapely young lady in front of me, wearing the same flowered dress..", he begins to say

"don't tell me her dress was stuck in her crack again?" his buddy interrupts.

"No, it wasn't. And I know she doesn't like it that way, so I pushed it in!"

[CobraDan]

IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

Your a** is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real.
Your last name stays put.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
The garage is all yours and so is the Cobra.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's a** if someone notices your new haircut.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
You can open all your own jars.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can leave the motel bed undone.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
You have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.
The world is your urinal.