New, New Chat Thread

[Ron61]

Thought this belonged in the Frog and Turtle thread.

LIZARD BIRTHING:

If you have raised kids and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my
wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was
going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,
Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs

Ron

[trularin]

Okay, I got the first date story right here:

First Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. T hey stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. ; Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[Ron61]

Tru,

Now that was a good post.

Ron

[4RE KLR]

That was very funny.

[trularin]

Makes you wonder if they stayed married or not.

[Ron61]

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy.'


Ron

[wtm442]

OK Ron, time for a picture and a history lesson.



Every time I drive off the Squantum peninsula I pass by Moswetuset Hummock which is a National Historic Site about 1 mile from my house. Squantum is named after Squanto, the Native American guide to Captain Myles Standish. They visited the Quincy area with an exploring party of Plymouth Pilgrims in 1621. The site was traditionally a popular place for Native Americans because it had fish, shellfish, and planting fields near the shore, and the upland portion of the area had deer. It was also the summer seat of Chickatawbut, the local Wampanoag sachem (chief), in the early 17th century. In the late fall, the Native Americans who lived there followed the Neponset River inland to the Blue Hills, where they stayed for the winter.

The center of the Hummock is called Arrowhead Hill and was the seat of Chief Chickatabot of the Indian tribe from which the Commonwealth of Massachusetts derives its name. The Indian words for arrow head (mos) and hill (wetuset) were combined to name the region. Later after the first English settlers mangled the word, it somehow came out “Massachusetts”!

The site is a mixture of woodland trails and open marshland which has a short loop trail, offering views of Quincy Bay and the 144-acre Squantum Marsh. It is also a very good place to go fishing.

By the way, I am a descendant of a passenger on the Mayflower. You may bow down and kiss my ring if you would like too. I told you I was not white trash!

[Ron61]

Warren,

Nice picture and I enjoyed the history lesson. Just because you are a descendant of a passenger on the Mayflower doesn't make you special. I helped design it.

Ron

[trularin]

Ron, you forgot to mention that you grew the trees for the wood of the ship, just like you did for Noah's arc.

[Ron61]

Tru, I didn't want to ruin Warren's pride in his ancestors. After all they deserve recognition for sailing on that creaky, leaking, wreck.

Ron

[392cobra]

Originally Posted by wtm442

The center of the Hummock is called Arrowhead Hill and was the seat of Chief Chickatabot of the Indian tribe from which the Commonwealth of Massachusetts derives its name. The Indian words for arrow head (mos) and hill (wetuset) were combined to name the region. Later after the first English settlers mangled the word, it somehow came out “Massachusetts”!
I told you I was not white trash!

So y'all have been causing problems and misunderstandings for a long time with your strange accents.

[trularin]

Tell 'em Fred...you just go ahead and tell 'em!

[4RE KLR]

And I thought the name was TAXachussets??

Ron,
Do you happend to have any of the wood left over from the Ark? I have decided I would like to be rich...again... and I think I can sell that wood to some none believers. If not, wood from the Mayflower will do.

Warren,
QUOTE:
Every time I drive off the Squantum peninsula I pass .....

If you drove OFF the Squantum peninsula, wouldn't you be in the water?

[HI Cobra]

Hey, those periscopes do come in handy!

[392cobra]

Warren,
I wouldn't take being called White Trash too personel.As long as they leave "Trailer" and/or "Poor" out of it anyway.

When I was in my twenties,a number of people called me Boat Trash.By my late twenties and well into my thirties I progressed to Oil Field Trash.
Sure had a good time.

[trularin]

There is nothing like relaxing and watching some idiot on TV try to convince me I need something.

Dang!

[wtm442]

Steve - when you drive off a peninsula, we assume you would take the one road that takes you off the peninsula. At least that's what I do. Of course, about 10 years ago, the lady that lives at the bottom of my street (waterfront) lost her brakes and drove her Caddy right into Quincy Bay. Of course, if Flip tried to drive off his island, then he would get wet.

Took a self-portrait today

Edited because I deleted many pics from my gallery.

Fred - I have not had an accent since Jimmy Khhhhhater was the President. But when I was working and on a trip down south, I'd always came back with a slooowwwwwww drawl.


Good ride yesterday after spending 3 hours weeding all the gardens (flower and veggie) and dead-heading the marigolds. Todays ride was cool, but I gave two different girls a ride. One was married but the other was single No pictures for you reprobates.

[4RE KLR]

Hey,
where is everbody??

[4RE KLR]

Tru,
How is the book coming?

[HI Cobra]

There's always Ted Kennedy who couldn't make the bridge at you know
where (I'm not about to try to spell it).

I am waiting for the weekend to make my usual run for the North Shore.
It doesn't get too cold here but we do get some rain (like last weekend).
I do need to be careful here, a wrong turn and you are off-island=wet.