Jokes

[Cobrabill]

Not really funny,but none the less:



MATHMATICS THEN AND NOW


Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58. The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?



Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?



Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)



Teaching Math In 2006

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

[cobra de capell]

Duck walks into a hardware store. "Got any duck food?" he quacks. "Sorry, no," says the proprietor. Duck leaves.

Next day the duck is back. "Got any duck food?" "No," says the proprietor. "I told you before. We don't carry it."

Next day he's back again: "Got any duck food?" The proprietor glares at him. "Look, buddy, we don't sell duck food. We never have and never will. And if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck is back. "Got any nails?"

"We're out of nails today," says the proprietor.

"Got any duck food?"
_____

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested.
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$150!", she cried.. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan. It's now $150."
_____

The rest of the country is debating on whether to get rid of the death penalty... In Texas, we're putting in an express lane!" "If you come to Texas and kill someone, we will kill you right back!"
_____

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
_____

A Cuban walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That's cool. Where'd you get it?"
The parrot says, "Cuba, they're everywhere"
_____

[wtm442]

BLUENECKS!

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of
Redneck
jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners
(or how
Northerners sometimes think of themselves

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them
"You guys," even if both of them are women.


You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."


You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.


You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the Side
of the road.


You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
Correctly.


For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.


You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a
Moon pie in a microwave.


You've never had an RC Cola.


You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.


You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.


You have no idea what a polecat is.


You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.


You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get His
own TV fishing show.


You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes.


You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife Show.


You have never been hep'd.


You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.


You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.


You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.


You call binoculars opera glasses.


You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
the road and stopping.

[Ron61]

Three young college girls fresh out of graduation decided to take a trip to Mexico for the weekend to celebrate. They left Friday, had a great time and woke up Monday in a Mexican jail rememberning nothing about the whole weekend. Then they found they were to be excuted by the electric chair and no one would tell them what they did.

As they strapped the first girl, a redhead from Utah into the chair, she yelled, I am from Salt Lake City and a graduate of Brigham Young University and I know God will not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and nothing happened. The guards quickly released her, bowed and asked forgiveness.

The second girl, a brunett from back East, yelled that she was a law graduate from Harvard and she was convinced that justice would not let an innocent person be electrocuted. They threw the switch and once again nothing happend. The guards quickly released her, apologized and said she was indeed innocent and then moved onto the last of the three girls a BLONDE.

After strapping her into the chair she yelled, I am an electrical engineering graduate from the University of Arkansas and I am telling you Idiots right now that you aren't going to elctrocute anyone unless you plug this thing in over there where the plug is laying in the floor.

[cobra de capell]

Blonde in Vegas - A guy is walking from the elevator to his room in a Las Vegas hotel. He sees a blonde at the Coke machine. She is repeatedly putting in coins and pressing a button on the machine. Each time, as a bottle of Coke comes down the chute, she jumps up & down, squealing with excitement.

The guy stops her and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me what you are doing?"

The blonde replies, "Like, duhhh...I'm WINNING."


One evening a father was surprised to overhear his little girl's bedtime prayer.

"God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa."

"Wierd," he thought, and went on his way. The next day he was shocked to learn that his father had died of a heart attack.

A week later he heard his daughter saying her prayers again. "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grandma."

Sure enough, the next morning he learned that his mother had had a heart attack.

One week later he was stunned. "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy."

Needless to say, he went to bed in mortal fear. He was barely able to get out of bed the next morning. He tiptoed gingerly through the day taking extra care to be safe in everything he did. To be sure, he decided to stay at work until 1 minute after midnight. Then he went home.

"Wow," he said to his wife. "You wouldn't believe the nerve wracking day I've had."

"You think you had a bad day?" she says. "The mailman had a heart attack right on our front porch!

Happy Father's Day.

[cobra de capell]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of TEXAS !!

[cobra de capell]

Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[cobra de capell]

ClubCobra Man Test !!

1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers.

3.You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra.

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron

8.Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[cobra de capell]

[wtm442]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.The State had no electricity.The State had no money.Almost everyone spoke Spanish.There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[Cobrabill]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[cobra de capell]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...


He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
_____

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS
WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOME WHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD
MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD
GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,
"BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...

...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED

[cobra de capell]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN

Show up naked ..... and bring beer.

[Cobrabill]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”

[cobra de capell]

One afternoon, while talking to his friend Luther, Clem announced, "You know, I figure I'm about ready for another vacation, but this year I'm gonna plan it a little different." "How so," asked Luther? "Well, the last few years I took your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said 'go to Hawaii'. So I went to Hawaii and Ethel Mae turned up pregnant. Then two years ago you said 'go to the Bahamas'. I went to the Bahamas and Ethel Mae got pregnant. Then last year you said 'go to Tahiti' and when I did she got pregnant again!" "So what're you gonna do different this year," Luther asked? "Well," replied Clem "for starters, this year I'm takin' Ethel Mae with me!"

[cobra de capell]

One afternoon, while talking to his friend Luther, Clem announced, "You know, I figure I'm about ready for another vacation, but this year I'm gonna plan it a little different." "How so," asked Luther? "Well, the last few years I took your advice on where to go. Three years ago you said 'go to Hawaii'. So I went to Hawaii and Ethel Mae turned up pregnant. Then two years ago you said 'go to the Bahamas'. I went to the Bahamas and Ethel Mae got pregnant. Then last year you said 'go to Tahiti' and when I did she got pregnant again!" "So what're you gonna do different this year," Luther asked? "Well," replied Clem "for starters, this year I'm takin' Ethel Mae with me!"
_____

During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with
his neighbor, about presidential politics. Finally, the
neighbor asked me why Joe was such a dedicated Republican.

Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both
Republicans and he was carrying on the family tradition.

"That's it?" said the exasperated neighbor. "What if your
father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." Joe replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat."

[cobra de capell]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, " Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's campaign manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main isle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views.

John Kerry is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. John Kerry is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal (including one that does not even exist). He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people.

He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with,"But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

[Cobrabill]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey,
25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year old. Now, we have a
nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find
a hot 25-year old, and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and
sleeping on a sofa bed.

[Cobrabill]

A gynaecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics.

When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order. The gynaecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%.

"How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

[Ron61]

A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day
recently. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an
egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs
in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is
pulling up.

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his
dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.


"Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day... "

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said," You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!


> How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him-he was licking his ass and
fell off the window sill."