Jokes

[bliss]

About retirement…

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break
.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

[bliss]

Top tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said, ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘don’t worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.’

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, ‘Guess.’ I said, “I don’t know........maybe 350 pounds.”

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away.’ But since many doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best.

[bliss]

You can't fix stupid.....

[bliss]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
_____

The Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[letsboogie351]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales...
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch,
and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."

[bliss]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and
the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with
no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over a
t the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern
voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
'Skippy, get away from her, before she $hits on you!'

[bliss]

Buying gifts for men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks” “Shorts” “Cups” “Saucers” “Door” “Lock” “Sink”... You get the idea. No one knows why.

[letsboogie351]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

[letsboogie351]

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C, "he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

[letsboogie351]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


Just $5 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Costco are doing 4 Millers for $4.99.


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by letsboogie351

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


Just $5 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Costco are doing 4 Millers for $4.99.


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction

The only One I got was number 3...and it was good! lol

[letsboogie351]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate
when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery'.

'What's dat ?', says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

[bliss]

You have spent all day being busy preparing a dinner party for ten
$250.00

Wine for guests
$80.00

Your parents are there,

Your in-laws are there,

Your boss and his wife are there,

The minister and his wife are there,

You're all settling down
for a nice relaxing evening dinner,

Then in walks the Dog



go here

[letsboogie351]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and, uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"

[bliss]

Reporting for work.......

[bliss]

A WOMAN WILL...


A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions,

and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most

handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,

sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...Sorry...




I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh!t.


Never mind.

[bliss]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched -with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?' 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[letsboogie351]

Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson,
my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favourite politician is Julia Gillard.

Regards

[bliss]

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to
have sex with him for the past 7 months. The doctor tells the man to
bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her
what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab
to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you
going to pay today or what?' "So I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to
dock your salary, or what?' "So I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the
cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?'
"So again I take a 'or what'. So you see doctor, when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want sex any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So
are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[bliss]

Bet you can't watch this just once......

http://dotcomjoe.com/clips/spot_look_for_love.wmv