Jokes

[bliss]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop: " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What for?"

Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
registration, please"

London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,
that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living hell out
of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
_____

I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another Mosque
being built in Sydney. I think it should be the goal of every
Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban
Cowboy" ,and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."


Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq
o' Ribs."


Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling
the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex
toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."


All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance
they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

[bliss]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[bliss]

Daryl, the 65-year old extremely wealthy Texan, shows up at the rodeo with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Daryl's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the rodeo are all envious. They corner him and ask, "Daryl, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Daryl replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

The Texan says, "I lied about my age."

His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Daryl smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
_____

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical...
The nurse started with the basics...."How much do you weigh" she asked. "210" I said.
The nurse put me on the scale..
Turns out I weigh 245.
The nurse asked "what is your height?" "6 foot 4"
I said. The nurse checked ansd saw I am only 6'2".
She took my blood pressure and said it was very high.
I said "Of course it's high; when I came in here
I was tall and slender, now I am short and fat." she put me on Prozac..

[bliss]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,


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"No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
_____

Senior Wisdom ...

When you see a woman and you desire her, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful she is...


No matter how sexy she is...


No matter how seductive she is...


No matter how huge her breasts are..


Damn, I forgot where I was going with this.

[392cobra]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE


One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass,

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. ‘It’s Millie, Melda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie’.

They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

[bliss]

LIVING WILL FORM.

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Cold Beer____ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the sports page______Sex ______or Chocolate: It should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature:__________________________ Date: _____
PS I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don’t even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!

[392cobra]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[bliss]

I was going to fly to Vegas this weekend, but when TSA checked my
personal items in my carry-on luggage I was refused boarding. This
is government control gone too far. What happened to my liberties?

http://dotcomjoe.com/0916f1

will have to drive now.....
_____

A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride-to-be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time---for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

[bliss]

Jazz for Cows - YouTube

[bliss]

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess."

"Shhhh" said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is all right."

"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mom!"

"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes."

[letsboogie351]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One
day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.



"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.



"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.



The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.



"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."



"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.



"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.



"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."



"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."



The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"



With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her
right off her chair.

[bliss]

Can't believe this works!

RC Round Up !Very Funny! - YouTube

[bliss]

Male or Female......

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTECONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[bliss]

Why Do I Like Retirement?



Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.



Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.



Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.



Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.



Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.



Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

' Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

[bliss]

Little Johnny asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother

Little Johnny answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary."
_____

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks, "What's wrong?"
The boy says, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
_____

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.....

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that,
but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like
that but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you
to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but
don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like
she had predicted:

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS
family..."

Grandma fainted.

[bliss]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test by the British National Health Service,
a guy decided to have this next test carried out
while visiting friends in San Francisco , where
the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more
gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table
and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's
quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure
done in San Francisco!
_____

[392cobra]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[bliss]

In a man's world......

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

* St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

* Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
______

Ten Thoughts to Ponder


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

The Number 1 thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn you’re a$$ tomorrow.


And as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[bliss]

This was in the Washington Post ... The title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white Male, in a pumpkin patch 12:01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...'A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?'

[bliss]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire,
what steps would you take?"

Apparently, "f***ing large ones" was the wrong answer.