Jokes

[bliss]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

[letsboogie351]

Great News for these financially challenged times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

"Great News" link dose not work!

[letsboogie351]

Sorry its not a link..just an underlined heading

[Ibr8k4vetts]

LOL,my bad!

[bliss]

This is really cool - it's like they've studied logistics.....

Murmuration on Vimeo
_____

[bliss]

Gives a whole new meaning to "goose stepping."

This might be the best 35 seconds of your day. [VIDEO]

[letsboogie351]

Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too", and drives off to the pub.


A Sydney blonde was so depressed that she decided to endher life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.
She went to the bridge and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain replied "this is the bloody Manly Ferry".

[bliss]

The dreaded Sobriety Test

Boy!..I don't know if I could pass it!

Ara Yc's Videos | Facebook
_____

A woman went to the doctors office. Where she was seen by one of the new
younger doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst
out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and
asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening,
he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you
told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[bliss]

23 Adult Truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Light than Kay.

17. I wish my Garmin had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[bliss]

Italy versus Greece

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied; "No."

[bliss]

THE SILVER SCREW
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided leaving his house . . . And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'
_____

PROOF THAT MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
_____

[bliss]

Donkey Story

This is one of the best and most useful stories I have read in years. What a life lesson !

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well..
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen..
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less

NOW .......Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[392cobra]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC. Nothing is moving! Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"? ''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"! "We're going from car to car taking up a collection". The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"? ''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

[bliss]

A group of friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They’re too high priced."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try.. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
_____

Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. debt is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic.

_____

[bliss]

Now, there is such a thing as too big, right?

Chelsea Charms (Huge Boobs Interview) - 12/05/2011 - YouTube

Sounds you don't hear anymore....

1. remember the sound of a rotary dial telephone???

2. remember when tv stations would go off at night??? the star spangled banner would play@ then you would get the test pattern and loud static???

3. the sound of the rotary channel changer on the tv??? and most folks only got 3 channels??

4. the sound of the old cash registers???

5. the sound of the old flash bulbs in cameras???

6. the sound of the coins dropping into the old pay phones???

others-
LP Falling on a turntable

8 track changing trackes in my car stereo

A real ringing telephone. And a different ring depending on party line.

A real siren on police/fire/other emergency vehicles.

Oooga horns.

AM car radios.

Curb finders attached to the fenders and scraping the cement curbing.

The hang on the window speakers at drive-ins.

Stove top percolator gurgling.

Hand cranked egg beater.

Playing cards clothes pinned in the back wheel spokes of your bicycle.

Drag around the house canister vacuum.

"WSM" and Grand Ole Opry on Saturday night radio.

Wind up alarm clock with a real bell.

Ice Cream truck music coming down the block.

Real Church bells playing actual music from miles away.

That deep throated satisfying rummble from a big block Chevy with glass packs. (These little humming high RPM rice burners today just don't have the sound of a real race car to me ..... sorry)

An old worn out B&S engine mounted on a 2x4 wood frame with rope steering and Barney Flint type brakes. Remember the old motor so worn out it would run lean as hell and pop loud as a cherry bomb about every other revolution.

The happy squeal of 6-8 neighborhood kids who all working together had finally caught enough fireflies to be able to read a few words by their collective light through the jars.

The sound of a manual typewriter and the "ding" when it was time to hit the return arm to go back to the start.

That ding ding sound when you'd pull into a gas station

A coffee pot perking
_____

A drunk sees a man looking under the hood of his car. "Wassup?"says the drink.

The man says, "Piston broke." "Yeah," says the drunk. "Me, too."
_____

[bliss]

Happy Thanksgiving !!!!!

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up
happy turkey day to all....
_____

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[letsboogie351]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[bliss]

Some quotes......

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Some genuine Henny Youngman jokes (at least I'm pretty sure they're genuine).

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLES

Check your shampoo bottle label.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and
(duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[bliss]

Turbo Entabulator

"Turbo Encabulator" the Original - YouTube
____

Sincerely ...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them,
they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States
(dated)


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendar ends there because some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant