Jokes

[Ralphy]

I had this odd feeling I may be in the wrong store.

[bliss]

Comedy Cosmos: Red Dot Into A Full Color Photograph


Ever seen a train lay its own track? [VIDEO]

[bliss]

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them....but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... They add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he or she does in bed. It's called their "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem....
Were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband/wife has a night out with the guys or gals but is home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your spouse has retired ....
You'd give anything if he/she would find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
Old songs,
Old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
_____

Looking to sell a good digital camera. I don't need it any longer as I'm in the hospital. I'm including the last photo that I took so that you have some idea about the picture quality.

(See attached image)

http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895783_fawDT-M.jpg
_____

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his cancer stricken father will die, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". "Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[bliss]

Why People Go South In Winter
_____

Life is cruel...

Case in point:
Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you only dress yourself.
Moral of the story:
In life no one helps you once you're screwed.

[bliss]

Pole Dance - YouTube

Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?

It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
_____
Signs that make you go hmmmm...

http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895180_sQYrb-M.jpg
http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895191_T7KfK-M.jpg
http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895195_yTNHn-M.jpg
http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895196_emeAv-M.jpg
http://photos.smugmug.com/photos/68895205_UhzQA-M.jpg

[bliss]

The school children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,


'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
______

[bliss]

"Ridiculous Speed Sign" but it works

AH!Believable-Vol. 1-"Ridiculous Speed Sign" - YouTube
_____

[392cobra]

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the
captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where
he was going he replied "off course."

[bliss]

The best water balloon break ever......

That Video Site

[CobraEd]

but worth seeing again !!!



Compare this:

[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv4OR_cuD08&feature=related[/url]


With this:

[url=[/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wippooDL6WE]



.

[bliss]

A woman had been in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and told him what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran in the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
_____

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf,

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune!
I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas ! It's a great morning - intercourse or golfcourse'

She said,"Don't forget your sweater."
______

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some
of those pills that help get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

[letsboogie351]

During a recent password audit by Google,

it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLon don"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:



"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital."

[letsboogie351]

Wynn's 'Start You Bastard' Engine Additive Advert - YouTube

[bliss]

http://comedycosmos.blogspot.com/201...er-vs-ex-stude...
_____

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar. A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

At 10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time. This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32. After 1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed and no one applauded. There was no recognition at all.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C. Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

This experiment raised several questions:

*In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?

*If so, do we stop to appreciate it?

*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made . . ..

How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?

[bliss]

We were sitting at the breakfast table Sunday morning. Reading the paper and enjoying the 2nd coffee. I told my wife something that had been bothering me for a while.
"Dear, if I die I want you to do me a favor. Sell all my stuff right away. Don't waste any time, just sell it all."
"Ok," she said, "but why?"
"Well, you're a good woman and I'm sure you will remarry. I don't want some other jackass playing around with my stuff. Just sell it all!"
She smiled sweetly and asked, "What makes you think I would marry ANOTHER jackass?"
Somehow, conversations with her don't always come out right.
____

[letsboogie351]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.

[bliss]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It's about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to
look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ... they are out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work.
It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work... Those who are out of work
stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the
unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You
don't want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they're two ways to bring down the
unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is
to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
_____

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder .......

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.
_____

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The lady of the house was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: ''Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?''

Maria: ''Well, Se?ora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

'Wife: ''Who said you iron better than me?''

Maria: ''Your husband said so.''

Wife: ''Oh''.

Maria: ''The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.''

Wife: ''Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?''

Maria: ''Your husband did.''

Wife: ''Oh''.

Maria: ''My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.

Wife (really furious now): ''Did my husband say that as well?

Maria: ''No Se?ora... the gardener did.''

Wife: ''So how much do you want?''

[letsboogie351]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said
"Can you please help me I don't know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he
Got lost again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me
what hole I'm on. "She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14;
you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted..
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

I sell toilet paper... I'm still one hole behind you."

[392cobra]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

Yes, yes, i did. I'm a mustang! He exclaimed with pride.

When did you graduate? I asked.

He answered, in 1964. Why do you ask?

You were in my class? I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-***** asked, what did you teach?

[bliss]

What's easier to pickup the heavier it gets?











Women.
_____

I was eating a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a
jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two
days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my last Biology exam 40 years ago. I was asked to name two things commonly
found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct
answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the
wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out,
he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing
by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh
bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The
boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best.

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could
look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself...'I'm going to take that.'

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer
in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am I?' The Irish farmer looks back up and
shouts back. 'You’re in that fu?kin' basket.'

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was, Where
do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I
know they wanted the name of a country?