Jokes

[letsboogie351]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

[bliss]

SANTACO Airlines

Currently SANTACO is only flying in Mexico , but hopes to introduce further
services to San Diego and Los Angeles later this year.

SANTACO said that they will not be beaten on price, and offers
amenities unmatched by industry rivals. Among them:

A spacious business class on the upper deck.
No baggage weight limit.
No baggage fee for the first 10 bags.
No fee to change flights to another date or time.
Children accompanied by adults fly free.

The FAA, however, is resisting all attempts by SANTACO to operate in US air space.

http://dotcomjoe.com/0221f3
_____

An Amish lady was trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she was pulled pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you," said the officer, "but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home", the women replied.

The police officer continued: "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that to be animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that straight away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the policeman.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" her husband asked.

"He said the reflector is broken on the buggy." the woman answered.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob" the woman said. "Something about the emergency brake".
_____

From the Police blotter......

A San Francisco man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The
tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was
sticking out of his @ss.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[bliss]

No joke....

Meanwhile on a German highway

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me.
___

Fasination shot - owl coming at camera

[letsboogie351]

Life is like a dick - simple, straight, relaxed and hanging free . . .
. . It's women who make it hard



Same Sex marriage

Norman and Barry got married in California .


They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.'

[bliss]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....




"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai."

[bliss]

Lookin' for a used girl?

New & Used from Josh Grisetti, HeySaum, and Richard Kind
_____

Little Susie comes home from school and tells her mom the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

Mom said: "YOU should say NO! They only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do, that's why I hide them in my backpack."
_____

[letsboogie351]

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section.

This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply

for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

[bliss]

Finally, a magazine for men

[bliss]

Snowmobile hill climb

To Do List

[bliss]

Isn't It Ironic? The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.


Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "please do not feed the animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

[bliss]

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."
_____

[bliss]

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

A 22 short should do it....think not ??? read on........

The best answer:

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket.

Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System." For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone. You bring a friend or companion, even an in-law. That way, if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta.

Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
_____

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, rumors are circulating that
radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles , killing
anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

We will keep you posted on future developments.

[bliss]

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.

So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

[bliss]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.


He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'


She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'


She slams the door again.


Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'


The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies.......

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[bliss]

Being Popular On Facebook Is Like....

.....sitting at the "cool" table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

[bliss]

This police dog is so fast, you have to watch this a few times to appreciate it. Go dog, go!

[Jim Werth]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[bliss]

Two Idaho Boys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

[bliss]

So I drove to the gas station and I asked for 5 dollars in gas, the attendant farted and gave me a receipt!

[letsboogie351]

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.

I beg to differ because there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...
"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!