Jokes

[Legless]

Subject: Fwd: A Male Fairy Tale

Moral of story :

No need to own a Cow to drink

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, will you marry me?
The Princess said,
"NO!".

And the Prince lived happily ever after ...

and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and
hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and sidepork and pickled stuff and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[bliss]

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

Definition: Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory..

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

[bliss]

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success.
One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."

The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?
Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.
I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.
Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back.
"He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back.
"He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back.
"With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife.
She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

[bliss]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland ..

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.


'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'


A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
_____

[392cobra]

How do you know when you are near College Station?

When you honk your horn, all the sheep back up to the fence.

[joyridin']

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.

"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad. "Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again! "Okay, it was a porno!" cries the son.

"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.

Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mom.

Awkward silence..

[bliss]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he
would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband
drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This
morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car,
just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house
and car keys inside and had to break a window to get
my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,
when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When
I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted
to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me
mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[bliss]

A friend of mine, who is a teacher, once told me that in one of her Geography lessons, she had difficulties getting some of her students to pronounce, OKLAHOMA !

A Malay student, read it as O.K. lah mar .
A Chinese student, read it as Okra Oma !
An Indian student read it as Wok Kla Wo Ma !
Don't laugh, but do you know how to pronounce correctly, the word . . . .
" Oklahoma " ?

The Proper Way is:
OKLA (with a pause) . . . HOMA
(There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.)


Don't agree, let me prove it . . . . . .

[letsboogie351]

Up north a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opens the washing
machine then stops, thinking for a minute.
He shouts to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replies. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yells back, "Manchester United.




My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.
He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "cans of lager and
women with big tits."




Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of
200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of
heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian
prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked, we never knew we had a library."

[bliss]

I went to see a fortune teller today.

When I walked out of the room my wife asked how it went.

"Fantastic!" I replied, "Couldn't have had better news."

"Ooh," she giggled. "I might get my future told."

"I wouldn't if I were you," I replied.
_____

Don't think Beethoven quite had this in mind when composing !!
____

Watch This Special Footage Of A Man Who Hates His Job Even More Than You Do | Happy Place

[bliss]

Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:


FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 ClubCobra member is reading joke posts.



You hang in there, Sunshine ........

_____

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted ......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
_____


So dad, how do you like the iPad we got you? [VIDEO]

[FWB]

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[bliss]

I met a young lady in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, man, "These taser guns are well worth the money"
_____

My daughter's just walked into the living room and said 'cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house'. Well she didn't actually put it like that - she said 'Dad, say hello to Mohammed'
_____

Was just about to leave the house for the pub when the missus yells out she'd found a pair of crotchless knickers and had put them on.

I didn't have the heart to tell her she had one of my T shirts on.

[Art Burtt]

I'm a little overwelmed today,I saw a sign that said only I can stop forest fires! Why me?

[bliss]

Only the French could get away with this!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/25BHem...be.com/watch%2...

Rated R
_____

Hard to argue this logic

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.


A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it would be nice to have another kid."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

[bliss]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar........


Hey it could happen.

[bliss]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
_____

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the lady all dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the man wearing black?"
_____

IRISH CATHOLIC CONFESSION

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[bliss]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked hisdrive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
... 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[bliss]

Absolutely mindblowing video shot from the Space Shuttle during launch

2,900+ MPH
______

This game moves fast
See if your brain is as young as your body or (perish the thought) OLDER!
Read the following instructions since the game is in Japanese:
1. Touch 'start'
2. Wait for the countdown 3 - 2 - 1
3. Visually Memorize the position of the numbers on the screen,
then click the circles in order from the smallest number to the largest number.
4. At the end of the game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain.

脳年齢テスト01 脳トレ瞬間記憶

[bliss]

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, "What's going on?"

"You tell me?" replied my wife.

I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a stranger."

"A stranger, eh?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!"

I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"
____

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, ivory & eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN