Jokes

[bliss]

Best Remote Control on the market....

[bliss]

Guys here they are “ The rules for looking at Breasts”

1.If you are with a woman and the woman is your wife or girlfriend - now is not a good time to look.

2.If you are with your mother, girlfriends mother or grandmother (the key word here is mother) you don’t want to explain what your looking at so now is probably not a good time to look

3.If you are with your sister look all you want - but not at hers.

4.If you are with a female aquaintance use the dating rule - If you want to date her follow the wife rule. If you don’t want to date her follow the sister rule.

5.If you are with a male aquaintance this is your chance. Look all you want, feel free to make any comments you want.

Exemptions

You may purchase an exemption for the price of a dark pair of sunglasses(and Flowers if you’ve been caught)

[bliss]

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent
of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems
and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there
were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And,
will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked, "General, we are a nation of only 150
million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or
even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern
warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the
quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we
have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150
million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"
_____

(Mod Note - no fat chick pics allowed)

[bliss]

This footage was taken at MallardLakes subdivision in Baton Rouge .

Someone had shot a nutria (Muskrat), and it was floating dead in the water. I can't believe what this eagle did to bring that nutria in.

I never saw an Eagle doing a breast-stroke before.

swimming eagle of baton rouge - YouTube

[letsboogie351]

Mary had a little lamb,
it's fleece as black as charcoal
It ran into an electric fence,
and sparks flew out it's arsehole

[bliss]

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
______

Something to think about as you surf the web...

You are out of here!
_____

When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?".

[bliss]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak; but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[letsboogie351]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a
show at the Byron Bay Golf Club.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You
and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

DAWWWWWWWW!!!!!




A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more months went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So, they buried Susie.


A well known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a jewish cap / kippa, a prayer shawl / tzitzis, and traditional locks of hair / payos.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,

"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”;

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says
' Thank You ' in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."
So the guy asks the barman, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice.

Is he nuts?
"Nope," replies the bartender.

"He owns this place."

[bliss]

A man in Waterton, Alb. came out to find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed.

A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open (easy considering the way the handles are) and once
inside got trapped when the door shut behind him. Obviously displeased, the bear threw a fit.
Two of the six airbags went off, the other four the bear ripped to pieces.
(...You can imagine a trapped grizzly being hit with an airbag in an enclosed space! He must
have figured he was in for the fight of his life ...and by the looks of this car, he won the fight.

All the door panels were ripped off, the headliner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats,
the dash shredded. The steering column was twisted sideways. When the bear ripped off the door
panels he also clawed all the wiring harnesses out. Toyota figures every wire he pulled
or clawed at resulted in alarm bells, voices or sparks.

Before:

http://dotcomjoe.com/0403f1

After:

http://dotcomjoe.com/0403f2
http://dotcomjoe.com/0403f3
http://dotcomjoe.com/0403f4
_____

why italians can't sell cars.....
Robert DeNiro - Italian Car Salesman - YouTube

[bliss]

The Truth.....

[letsboogie351]

An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to far Western Queensland.

One spring morning he rose from his bed and walked to the window of his bedroom,
and as he took a deep breath he noticed a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn...
He promptly called the local police station...
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of The last rites!''
There was long silence after which Father O'Malley replied: ''Aye,
'tis Certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

[bliss]

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line.



"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND


In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"..

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "......What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you!

[bliss]

[bliss]

Biertijd.com // Media » New House, New Pool..

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.
_____

When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to my birthday so I'd know exactly what to expect for a present.

Although I never did receive the Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.
____

[bliss]

SAUSAGE MEAT MACHINE
People are SO gullible....
(and it doesn't matter if you can't understand Italian)

Hilarious! people buying fresh meat - YouTube

Life Lessons- author unknown:

NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted

NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still
can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying
of nothing.

NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut
saves you $30.00?

NUMBER 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers—what you do today, might burn your
ass tomorrow.

As someone recently said to me . . .
“Don’t worry about old age—it doesn’t last that long”.

[bliss]

Southern Comments....

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."


Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"


Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."


The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."



Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."



Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"


Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
_____

New boots!!

A longtime married couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in the West.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale
one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into
their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "NOPE."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "NOPE".

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, Shoulda bought a
hat."

[bliss]

What a gorgeous day! Sunshine, temps in the mid 70's, light off-shore breeze...
perfect time to take a new boat out for a shakedown cruise. The sea was a bit
rough, so passengers were told to hold on for a choppy ride.



Life of a man....

[letsboogie351]

A BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR AND CALLS TO HIS WIFE,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU MY LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTS BACK, "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD!! "


A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking
Around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.


Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy. '

'And here I am.'




It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.


An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.

[392cobra]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[bliss]

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash isn't silent."
____

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
_____

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
_____

(Mod Note - no fat chick pics allowed.)