Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[bliss]

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."
_____

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.
　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
_____

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone estrogen. That's why after a six pack you can't drive.
_____

[bliss]

Wouldn't this be a little embarrassing?



Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture
taken. Not knowing much about photography,
they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When he goes under the black cloth,
one sister turns to the other and asks, "Vots he goink to do?"

Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"

The second cries," Bot of us !?!"
_____

"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
_____

I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me that I nearly fell in.

[letsboogie351]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.


"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two Arabs."

[letsboogie351]

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two
with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we
had six matching balls!


A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver at the BNP's new
"Sky Diving Academy". A spokesman said they had no idea why his snorkel
and flippers didn't open.

[bliss]

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

[bliss]

Don't honk at old people..............

[Jaydee]

Originally Posted by bliss

Santa Pod Jet Car 1/4 mile in 6 seconds!

Impressive, but I was waiting for the funny bit.

[bliss]

My therapist says that my social awkwardness is a result of me misinterpretation what people mean. But I think she just wants me.
_____

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, “You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark only has 16 Chapters."
_____

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "That is a bunch of crap. There is nothing you could say that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She smiled and said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
_____

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
_____

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect mini-car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[bliss]

[letsboogie351]

Prince Harry said to the Queen, "I say Nanny, I can't find my packet of
ginger-nut biscuits - have you seen them?"

The Queen said, "No dear, I'll ask your grandfather."

"Philip - have you seen Harry's ginger-nuts?"

Prince Philip replied, "Is there anyone who hasn't seen them by now?"

[letsboogie351]

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To a small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

[bliss]

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer.
The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.
The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"
_____

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

[bliss]

My Garmin

I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the darned thing off!
_____

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
_____

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
_____

[letsboogie351]

BOB / 2009 on Vimeo

[bliss]

Men - Translations

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every
car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[CobraEd]

and she can vote and bear children

"Quite possibly the stupidest woman ever" - Videos - Viddler


.

[bliss]

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a$$ you grouchy old b!tch! "


Touches the heart doesn't it?

[bliss]

Well, I suppose that this could happen in the office....