Jokes

[bliss]

My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view, So I looked out of the kitchen window.
_____

Spielberg didn't make a sequel to E.T. because the initials would be F.U.

He put similar reasoning behind A.I. as well.
_____

xxx
_____

A report out today says 40% of men over 40 suffer from erection problems!
Looking at 40% of women over 40,it's not freaking difficult too see why....!
_____

xxx

[bliss]

Dogs......

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. - Franklin P.

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

[letsboogie351]

A hungry Kakadu crocodile was waiting on a bank of a river for a boatload of plump American tourists. Days passed, no tourists. Finally an Aborigine came down to the river to spear barramundi, and although he was pretty skinny, the crocodile decided that he’d be better than nothing. So he lunged at him, grabbed his feet and began to gulp him down, bit by bit. Whereupon the long-awaited boat of American tourists came into view. One of them spied the head sticking out of the croc and said, “Look! Look!”

Another tourist, a woman, said, “I thought they said Aborigines were poor. Well, there’s one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.”


A drunk at the Sydney casino stumbled into the loo and started feeding coins into the condom vending machine. Slowly but surely he filled his pockets with them. A bloke was waiting behind him.

“Excuse me, can I have a turn?”

“Not,” said the drunk, “when I’m on a winning streak.”


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

[bliss]

Legal and Logical....

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A"

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor, and asks his favorite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither logical nor legal !!"

Professor faints!!

[bliss]

A guy walks into a doctor's office.

The doctor says "I am going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample"

The man replies "wouldn't it be faster if I just gave you my underwear?

Also....



YIKES!

[bliss]

I earn a seven figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
_____

If you lose one sense, your other senses over-compensate.
That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
_____

Men are like pantyhose. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.
_____

Longest Password ever...


We laugh -- but her I. D. is safe.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

[bliss]

Facebooks new rival.......

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook.

According to its creators, who invented the network in their dorm room at Berkeley, PhoneBook is the game-changer that will leave Facebook, Twitter and even the much anticipated Google Buzz in a cloud of dust.

“With PhoneBook, you have a book that has a list of all your friends in the city, plus everyone else who lives there,” says Danny Fruber, one of PhoneBook’s creators.

“When you want to chat with a friend, you look them up in PhoneBook, and find their unique PhoneBook number,” Fruber explains. “Then you enter that number into your phone and it connects you directly to them.”

Another breakout utility of PhoneBook allows the user to arrange face-to-face meetings with his or her friends at restaurants, bars, and other “places,” as Fruber calls them.

“You will be sitting right across from your friend and seeing them in 3-D,” he said. “It’s like Skype, only without the headset.”

PhoneBook will enable friends to play many games as well, such as charades, cards, and a game Fruber believes will be a breakout: Farm.

“In Farm, you have an actual farm where you raise real crops and livestock,” he says. “It’s hard work, but it’s more fun than Mafia, where you actually get killed.”

[bliss]

Fable of the Porcupine.....

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.


The moral of the story is:






Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life

[bliss]

A man visits his rabbi and says, “I think my wife is trying to poison me!” The rabbi says, “I’ll talk to her.” The next day the rabbi meets the man and said, “I talked to your wife for three hours yesterday. Take the poison.”
_____

My wife has been missing for a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst, so i went to the thrift store to get all her clothes back.

[bliss]

Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and
conducts very personal calls that you really don't want to hear but
are trapped into listening to? You'll enjoy this one:

After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on
the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell
phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:

"Hi darling, it's Bob... I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30
not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting...No, not with that floozie
from the typing pool, with the boss... No, darling, you're the only
one in my life...Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc.,
etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . ."

When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite
him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"
_____

[bliss]

Corvette taillights, complete set, not a scratch...


A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him.

After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?"

"I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc."

"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?"

"Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that, "F*king Yankee"

what-a-1250-wheel-horsepower-lamborghini-gallardo-can-do-to-plastic-surgery

[bliss]

How the world works lately...


If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the
Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED A$$
Is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
Blame Bill Gates .
_____

Sort of humorous...

Unique auto accessories

[bliss]

A couple met at the Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you Linda." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat... sleep... and breathe golf."

"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
_____

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!!" Without answering, the girl picks up the
phone and makes a call.


Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front
of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture
stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a
$25,000,000 bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do
you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's
shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."
_____

A trash collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious guy, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Hi pal! Where's yer bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No! No! Buddy, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's your wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear, "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[bliss]

Snow White Takes a Bath

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a
bath.

She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?


Scroll down for the answer.








Scroll down for the answer.







Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!






Keep scrolling down.








Seven Up

[bliss]

Emergency room visit.....

A young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she
was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off
the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient ' s dressing, which said "Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."

[bliss]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,

"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
_____

Standing at the newspaper dispenser the colonel realized all he had were bills in his pocket.
"Excuse me soldier," he said to a passing private, "do you have change for a dollar?"
"Sure buddy," the private said.
"I'm an officer," the colonel said, so let's try this again, this time with proper respect. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"No sir."

[bliss]

WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS < Churific > 06/01 06:26:22

Element : Woman
Symbol : No
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:

1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:

1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it’s too hot.

Tests:

1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one at a time.
_____

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains in the world.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter
and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras," replied
the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded "It is all really
quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

[bliss]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says;

"I bet you have a tight as$hole with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV;

who shall I say is calling?"
_____

Usually I wake up grumpy.

On Saturdays I let her sleep in.
_____

I still remember the words I said to my wife the day we became engaged.

I fell to my knees and said, 'I thought you were on the f___ing pill!'

[bliss]

Hottest wedding photo in history.....(just think of the possibilities).....

[bliss]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was
seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began
crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the
infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that
the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
_____

! was pulled over today. The officer came up to Cobra. My lab was in the seat beside my and started barking at the officer. He ask if the dog would bite him. I said probably not, he doesn't like pork. I for sure got that speeding ticket.