Jokes

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So, isn't life like this sometimes....just when you think you're getting ahead..

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A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, May I buy you a drink?

Okay. But it won't do you any good.

A little later, he asks, May I buy you another drink?

Okay. But it won't do you any good.

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,
Okay. But it won't do you any good.

They get to his apartment and he says, You are the most
beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.

She says, Oh, that's different. Send her in.

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The wife and I were discussing all aspects of our future.

"What will you do if I die before you do?", I asked my wife.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house
sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who
might be a little younger than her, since she is so active for
her age.

Then my wife asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

"Probably the same thing."

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Three reasons to live in a warm climate.....

Number 1 reason....





Reasons 2 & 3 (not for work display [potential Cobra passenger])

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Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

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Time to vote for parent of the year

Mod Note - Link deleted at owner's request

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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood
work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me crap."

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Watch out for that first step - free fall from 23 miles up....

Not funny, but damn cool!

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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,” Why did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
_____

I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".

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[Jaydee]

I waited for an hr. I thought at least one of them had to have a crash.
JD

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I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!
_____

My girlfriend says I am stalking her.

Well, she's not really my girlfriend yet.
_____

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement
he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
_____

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock!

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your @$$, it always comes back to bite you.

_____

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

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[letsboogie351]

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.


A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To a small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!