Jokes

[bliss]

THE BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So, the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there."... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be; I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'”

[bliss]

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?".........Always seems like a strange way for my girlfriend to start a conversation with me

[bliss]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words "finished" and "complete".

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Here is his answer which made him the winner of the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.

His final question was this: How to explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
_____

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

Is everybody clear on that?
_____

I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they can put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex.

[bliss]

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
_____

[B L & sons]

Originally Posted by bliss

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
_____

Blul siht

[bliss]

You Know Your Broke When...

American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struthers sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

On Thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.

You owe yourself money.

[FWB]

you can't afford to pay attention.....

[bliss]

Food for thought....

People who live in glass houses should
make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no
way you're going to like it.

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow
it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than
in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double
and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.

The only two things we do with greater
frequency in middle age are urinate
and attend funerals.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have thousands of old ladies running around
with tattoos?
_____

[letsboogie351]

my memory is so bad it really sucks. So I changed my password to "incorrect"
Now when I log on with the wrong password the computer will tell me........."your password is incorrect"

[bliss]

[bliss]

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl answered with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ear: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

[bliss]

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one
of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class
one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so
poor lately?"

"I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen
in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge
to smile. "And with whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young
lady, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday; but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll be
careful."
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just One. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me me, PLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepard: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.
_____

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"

[letsboogie351]

Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that

connects the eyeball to the anus?


It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving

people a sh*tty outlook on life.


If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse

and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

[bliss]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[bliss]

"Go and have a look at the size of the poop I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."
_____

Some inspiration....

[bliss]

[bliss]

Ever considered sitting in the front few rows of a plane?

[bliss]

SEX AT 79
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
____

A recent nationwide event left me feeling like this.....