Jokes

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A blond came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”

“I’m PREGNANT!” she yelled.

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”

He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

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Seems like this would work, but I can't find it...

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[MRGEORGE077]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband�s temper.



The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?



The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."



The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."



Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.



The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"



The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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I understand that the NFL is planning to hold the next Super Bowl at a Motel 6.

Because at Motel 6, they keep the lights on for you.

[bliss]

For those that grew up in the 50's and 60's....yes, a Cobra is also featured.....


Just put this on and it will start the show itself turn up your speakers

Someone did an awesome job putting this together
and with sound to boot. At the very end of the video
you'll hear the song ' Thunder Road ' sung by the star
of the movie for which it was the theme!
Not uncommon except this is the one and only song
ever recorded, for publication, sung by Robert Mitchum!
Cars we drove in the 50's and 60's

click on line below
'50's and '60's - the cars we drove

[bliss]

A blonde was asked, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
_____



Something for the gearhead kitchen...

[392cobra]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving to
him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

She replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my children.'

His mind goes back to the only time that he had ever been unfaithful to his
wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[bliss]

Dog for sale....

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.





Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
_____

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
_____

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!'

[kevins2]

[bliss]

My dentist visit...

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over me to start on my teeth, I startled him.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I know" I answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"
_____

Spot the difference - ... between the Ravens and 49ers fans....

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
_____

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
_____

Games For When We Are Older:

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9 Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

[bliss]

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

(I just love this!)

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

[bliss]

What is globalization?

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend
crashes
in a French tunnel,
riding in a
German
car
with a
Dutch engine,
driven
by a Belgian
who was
drunk
on
Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),
followed
closely by
Italian
Paparazzi,
on
Japanese motorcycles,
treated
by an American doctor,
using
Brazilian
medicines.
This is
sent to you by
a
Canadian,
using
American
Bill Gates' technology,
and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,
that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and
a
Korean
monitor,
assembled
by
Bangladeshi
workers
in a
Singapore plant,
transported
by Indian
truck drivers,
hijacked
by Indonesians,
unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,
and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....


That, my friends,
is Globalization !

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On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[bliss]

Internet reality...

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The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.

Test your average reaction time. Be careful, this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are.



JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... THERE ARE 5 SHEEP


http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...n_version5.swf

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