Jokes

[Ron61]

Fwd: Tiger




Subject: Tiger

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband put s down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what par is for this damn hole."

[Cobrabill]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big t*ts.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t*ts? Why kill a blonde with big t*ts?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a f%$k about the 140 million Muslims".

[cobra de capell]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check
on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Dear Lowrider:

Check to see if your Harley is still under warranty. If so, take it to the dealer and let them fix it.

If it is not under warranty, do not try to fix it yourself if you don't have the skills. Ask a friend who knows about this sort of thing. Or, ask your wife's boyfriend. He seems to be taking care of other things you can't handle, so maybe he can help here also.
______

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates. com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the [censored]. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a " decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino , extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet ," ooh , you're a huge [censored].

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive [censored] ? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: This one is long overdue. No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[Don]

Subject: The Best Headlines in 2006
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2006:
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that! ]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far !]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and -sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect H omicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Don]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear " the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides.Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both. If you already know best how to do it,

just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying,but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.



Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh.

[wtm442]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

[cobra de capell]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But,
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked---but your client didn't."

[cobra de capell]

[wtm442]

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a
word. He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that
if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half
the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[wtm442]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.





Republican's Answer:



BANG!





Southerner's Answer:



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)



BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.



Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"



Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"



Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

[BigGuy]

World's Thinnest Books




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FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac




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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore




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MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg




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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton




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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton




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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton




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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden




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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates




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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman




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THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry




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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC




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A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian




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THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson




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DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA


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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY



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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson



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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

[Ron61]

TWO OLD FRIENDS



Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the

Pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill

Didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such.



But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,

Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one

Day Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him. Then he said,

"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she charged me with rape

And I was so proud, that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[wtm442]

Sadness throughtout the land - another e-coli spinach death .....

[Ralph_C]

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a orbit
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married.

She goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

Finally having enough, the counselor abruptly gets up, walks around the
desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and pleasantly stunned, sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies,"Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[wtm442]

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your
country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?""The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
on fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed
because of a candle??!!!
"Si Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL"?
"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger
Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE.................. LONG SILENCE.............
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep $hit".

[Ralph_C]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
*
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm not leaving until I get it."
*
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
*
Of course the Madam said "No".
*
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
*
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.**He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
*
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
*
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.* Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.
*
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease and HE'S the #@$%@ who ran over my FROG!"

[cobra de capell]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."


Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."


The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[cobra de capell]

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya... See what happens and report back.

I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating...sleeping...*****ing or crying for no apparent reason...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a
friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes
for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.! Why don't you just add an in-store microphone to the darn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them where the sun does not shine.

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead?

[cobra de capell]

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Ordering The Burger King Quad Stacker:

10."Are my papers in order?"
9. "Can I get it supersized?"
8. "Will I have time to run 298 miles to burn off the calories?"
7. "Could this have anything to do with why the rest of the world hates us?"
6. "Should I talk to my doctor about Lipitor?"
5. "Can I get it on a low-carb bun?"
4."How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?"
3. "Why is Burger King making me sign a release form?"
2. "Should I wait til they come out with the 'Quint Stacker'?"
1. "Do I have my cardiologist on speed dial?"
_____

No. 11 - Do I want fries with that?

No 12: Can I get the small diet coke?

[Ron61]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,

"What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!

Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight
this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."