Jokes

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A young virgin marries a Greek man. Just before the wedding, her father tells her that being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn over for love making one day. If she doesn't want to do it that way he tells her, she doesn't have to. Sure enough, after a couple of months her husband asks her to turn over for sex. "No way," the girl protested.

"Dad said I didn't have to do that!" "OK," replied the husband, "but I thought you wanted children!"
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Sad, but also sort of funny....



Lunch time...

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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
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3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

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Recycling at its best.....

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Best sign yet....



Did you hear about the deaf Islamic fundamentalist who blew up the wine aisle in Walmart?

He thought he had to bring death to all zinfandels.
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A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
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The criminal mastermind at work......

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After seeing this, I'm thinking a little differently about elephants...

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My mother-in-law has been moaning for two days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her; she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.
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Q: Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don't?

A: The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
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In Birmingham, a fire destroyed a multi storey block of flats. A Indian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani benefit cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.

Six Bangladeshi ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.

Four Eastern European families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They quickly demanded a meeting with the Council and a senior fire officer.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Asians, Muslims, Pakistanis Bangladeshis East Europeans all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.

The Fire Officer quietly replied, "They were both at work."
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having a bad day....

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Retirement

Someone recently asked me, “What are you doing since you’ve retired?”

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser.”

Somewhat shocked, they said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple”, I replied.

“The wife has told me that, when she wants my f$$king advice, she'll ask me for it.
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Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this time, child ?” “Why did ye not write to us, not even a line ?” “Why didn't ye call ?” “Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what ! ? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

“OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become ?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'a prostitute, Daddy ! Sniff, sniff.'

“Oh ! My Goodness ! Ye scared me half to death, girl !

I thought ye said a Protestant !

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !”

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Original Sin...

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Have your chocolate and eat it too..

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.
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I was late coming into work again, and the boss was furious.
She called me into her office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"I'm sorry, but I overslept," I said.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I've not heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."
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Oh, so true....

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