Jokes

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich.
The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?"
The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go
without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Google it!
The bartender goes into the back room and does a Google search for Panda, which comes back with:

"Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Eats shoots and leaves."
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.... now people get the hell out of my way much faster.
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Breaking News...

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $25.00.

"Why so little ?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
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[no joke]

A truly amazing video showing the unique mechanical properties of the Prince Rupert's drop – a tadpole-shaped glass structure created by dropping molten glass in cold water.

The very high residual stress within the bulbous end of the drop allows it to withstand a blow from a hammer. However, a slight touch on the drop’s tail will cause the whole structure to explode. It seems to happen all at once, but a 130,000 frames per second camera reveals exactly how the Prince Rupert drop explodes. Turns out that the fracture runs down the tail at over a mile per second, over 25 times the speed of sound in air.

Mystery of Prince Rupert's Drop at 130,000 fps - Smarter Every Day 86
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Phoenix, AZ UP-API Phoenix Metro bomb disposal experts secured the scene, and were prepared to disarm the device when it was discovered to be an abandoned 1970s dildo.

"It'll be a great birthday present for my wife," PMPD Sgt Bob Bangman said,
"and if it turns out to be a bomb after all.... well, what I'm saying is it's a win-win."

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This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of his pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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[letsboogie351]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super *****!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Wait! What? I remember it differently....

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Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!
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What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?

Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.
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A man was telling his neighbor "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
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A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

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I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row.
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Frightening statistic..............

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!
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Definition of eternity....

Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection.

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
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The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the heck is she talking about?!!
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I have noticed that on Cinco de Mayo day, not many people pretend to be Mexican.
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Ron has just retired and was having a discussion with his wife, Donna, about the future. “What would you do if I died before you?” Ron asked.

Donna thought about it for a while and replied, “Oh, I’d probably share a house with several other single or widowed women. Since I’m still in good health, I think that the other women could be a little younger than me.”

Then Donna asked Ron, “What would you do if I died first?”

Ron replied, “Probably the same thing.”

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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind
me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled.
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

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Today's exercise routines....

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Adviser since retirement...

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired...Do I have a job?

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my f*@%ing advice,
she'll ask me for it.”
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Bad advice...

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania....
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