Jokes

[bliss]

Some statements don't make sense....

When people say, "It's always the last place you look". (No kiddin'! Why would you keep looking after you've found what you're looking for?)

When someone tells me that something is "new and improved." (Which is it? If it's new, then there's never been anything before it. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.)

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". (Of course I do. What good is cake if you can't eat it?)

When people say "life is short". (No it isn't. Name me one other single thing that people participate in that's longer)
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Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
If it wasn’t for Chevy's,
our tools would rust.
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Not funny, just an old quote..

"When you see that in order to produce, you need to obtain permission from men who produce nothing - When you see that money is flowing to those who deal, not in goods, but in favors - When you see that men get richer by graft and by pull than by work, and your laws don't protect you against them, but protect them against you - When you see corruption being rewarded and honesty becoming a self sacrifice - You may know that your society is doomed."

Ayn Rand

Atlas Shrugged, 1957

[bliss]

Occasionally, things work out just fine....

[bliss]

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted)Islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming...

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The 2 Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant, and a laundromat. And have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for the store.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low, and it isn't raining....

The 2 Irish men have divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
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A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..."placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is
fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
_____

A man walked into his local crowded bar pulled out a revolver and waved it around yelling "who in here is having sex with my wife". A voice from the back yelled back, "your going to need more ammo!"

[bliss]

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
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What are the three fastest means of disseminating information?

1. Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman
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[bliss]

Sort of like riding in a Cobra...

[bliss]

[bliss]

[bliss]

My wife packed 2 suitcases for me to speed up tossing me out of the house. As I stalked past the wench, she screamed, "I hope you die a long slow death, you SOB!"

I turned around and asked, "Oh, so you changed your mind and want me to stay then?"
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that!!!
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THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........




"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

[dave from mesa]

Monica Lewinsky Update

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

[bliss]

Monica Lewinsky Update

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!

[bliss]

[bliss]

The Secret Of A Contented Married Life

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life: "My wife makes all the small decisions," he explained, "and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other's business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

"That sounds reasonable," answered his friend sympathetically. "And what sort of decisions does your wife make?"

"Well," answered the man, "she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays, and things like that."

His friend was surprised. "Oh?" he said. "And what do you consider important decisions then?"

"Well," answered the man, "I decide who should be Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."
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A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation? "

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.

The first boy came to the door and said, “I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?” No, take a seat.

The second boy came to the door and said, “I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?” No, take a seat.

The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer. “Hello, my name is Chuck.”

The farmer shot Chuck.
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If women are so great at multitasking then why is it so hard for them to have sex and a headache at the same time?
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Church Bulletins! - Part 1

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

[Legless]

And one for our jandle wearing chillibin carrying bros across the ditch eh...


For those who haven't heard:
New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[bliss]

This old couple was married for over 50 years. the husband died. The wife was depressed. She decided to shoot herself in the heart. She wanted to be sure of her hearts location so she called the medical advice line and asked where her heart was. The nurse told her it was under her left breast. She said thanks and hung up. She was admitted to the hospital today with a gunshot wound to her knee
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[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

This old couple was married for over 50 years. the husband died. The wife was depressed. She decided to shoot herself in the heart. She wanted to be sure of her hearts location so she called the medical advice line and asked where her heart was. The nurse told her it was under her left breast. She said thanks and hung up. She was admitted to the hospital today with a gunshot wound to her knee
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Do you have a job?

[bliss]

Originally Posted by Mark IV

Do you have a job?

Yes, spending the money I made when I did work.
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[dave from mesa]

Originally Posted by bliss

Yes, spending the money I made when I did work.

Hey
I have the same job. Finally something I am good at.

[bliss]

Originally Posted by dave from mesa

Hey
I have the same job. Finally something I am good at.

Well, if you weren't already good at something, you'd have no money to spend. Well done!
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Talking about spending money.....

[bliss]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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[bliss]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"