Jokes

[bliss]

The Confessional

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no
more.'

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'

'What did you do?'

‘I committed adultery.'

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

[bliss]

A guy was driving down the highway with his blond girlfriend when she said to him, 'I think those people in the car next to us are from another country.

'Why is that?' he said.

'Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, ...'stit ruoy su wohs'.
_____

[Dominik]

My mate and I, about 30 years old, are cruising along Ft. Lauderdale during spring brake.
Shouts a girl from inside the car next to us: Urg, you could be our dads! - I reply, maybe we are??

[bliss]

Husband: Want a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?
_____

We should have used these back in the day when everything was allowed to be posted in the lounge.....

[bliss]

I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don't want to save a lot of money.

Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back.
Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning...
I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"

Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after just showing up.
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A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life."
The girl then asks, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up."
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her friend about her and her mother's conversation. The friend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old."
Her mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?"
The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted.
She asks, "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!"
_____

[bliss]

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you ignore it.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?"

It works every time.

So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried.

She was gorgeous!

Just as we were about to head out to the restaurant, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
_____

[bliss]

Difference between 850 vs 10,000 hp

Most Honest Viper Craigslist Ad Ever



Okay. Full disclosure. I almost killed myself in it.

It is VERY powerful. Extremely, EXTREMELY fast.

I’ve driven Ferrari’s that don’t feel as crazy as this thing. I am frankly afraid of it now.
That’s right. It’s in my garage and I’m afraid to drive it because it’s like a crazy steroid bull that wants to kill me.

I’ve done 130 mph on a Ducati while laughing into the face of death. The viper is a completely different bowl of crack. The engine sounds like 40 pit bulls eating kittens while lifting weights.

I cannot truly explain it’s power. It has whiplash acceleration in 3rd gear at 50mph. That sentence doesn’t even make sense. But it’s true.

That’s why I’m telling you. I will not have your soul on my conscience.

You need to know what you are getting into. What insane level of crazy you are buying.
Can you resist the urge to mash down the accelerator? Can you? Because it’s like owning your own demon. A demon that wants to kill you. We all know one person that for the right amount of money would kill you. But since no one is paying, they smile in your face and go about their day.

It’s like that except the Viper doesn’t bother to ever pretend it doesn’t want to kill you.

And it will do it for free.

Some brilliant engineer designed a beautiful sexy bulging body, fantastic suspension, great handling, aerodynamics, and all American style. While he was out on his lunch break, some demented maniac dropped 100 times more engine power than necessary into it and sent it out the door. It’s mentally unbalanced.

Look,
If you are the type of person that can be talked into having one more drink at midnight when you have a very important presentation or interview early the next morning, then the Viper is not for you.

The whole car is constantly whispering sweet lies to you.
“You got this”.
“Open me up and ride free, you got this”
“What are you a *****?”
“Just do it”, “Do it”, “you got this”.

Do not do it. You don’t got it. You ARE in fact a *****. And as we all know, ***** is mad good. But not that good.
You will sit on the curb and settle your heart after it tries to kill you the first time.
You will get back inside and it will immediately get back to the business of trying to get you to let it murder you.
“You got this. This time you know. That last time was just a fluke. You ain’t no *****”.

Repeat after me.
You
Don’t
Got
This.

But for $30k you can look the devil in the eye and take this ride.

You were warned.

[bliss]

The formula for a happy marriage is the same as the one for living in California. - When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.

I'm currently helping my wife look for her chocolates that I ate last Friday.

My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man... WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.

Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.

Not rewinding VHS movies after watching the nude scenes was the original not clearing your browser history.

It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye; unless you're Stevie Wonder, then it's just ironic.

“Do you have anything with 3-5 pounds of rhinestones on the butt?”
—Upper-middle class ladies shopping for jeans

Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.

Trying to make a list of things that are worse than Mondays and all I've got so far is Hitler and Christian Rock.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

I eat things based on the amount of dishes I have to use.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change cuz I don't want to get up and find the remote.

"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

You don't realize just how eco-friendly clowns are until you think about how much they carpool.

Steven Wright Quotes.....

1- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[bliss]

[bliss]

I stuck a "Baby On Board" sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic's bad or I miss my nap.
_____

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
_____

Don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" It felt good.
_____

I've been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I'm about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
_____

A man is walking down his street and sees a friend sitting in his front yard all alone, looking bummed.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asks.
The friend says, “I screwed up on one of those questions wives ask, and now I am so deep in the doghouse, I’ll never get out.”
“What question?” the first guy asks.
She asked me, “When I’m old, fat, and ugly, will you still love me?”
“Heck, that’s easy," the first guy replied. "You just tell her, 'Of course you will.'”
“Yeah,” says the friend, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was ‘Of course I do.’”
_____

Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes — all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: “We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library.”

[bliss]

A teacher calls her first grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

[bliss]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
_____

If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Kanye West songs until they killed me, I'd die, but at least they'd suffer too.
_____

In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
_____

[bliss]

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move, as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived, but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea - he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"

He answered, "12 children."

The agent asked, "And where are they now?"

The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "11 of them are in the cemetery with their mother."

And that is the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

Moral: it is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... They are great!!!
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Wedding whoops

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and speak, or to forever hold their peace.
This moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying a baby.
She stood up and started walking slowly toward the pastor standing at the altar.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The grooms-men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, “Please tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “We can’t hear you in the back of the church!”

[Anthony]

that is a lie. and that's why lawyers are scum !!!!

[bliss]

Water in the carburetor.....

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous?"

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool"
_____

A happily married man: One who understands every word his wife didn't say.
_____

[bliss]

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time.
Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend.
As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase.
"Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase and the ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

[bliss]

I found a new way to stop my wife from picking up bad habits or doing anything that annoys me, I just have to say..






..."this is turning me on"
_____

[bliss]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
_____

[bliss]

I think Women should come with a Carfax report listing previous owners,
mileage, needed maintenance & expenses...
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The Ford Escort was named after Henry Ford's love for high-priced hookers. Ironically, you'll have to pay for sex if you drive one.
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At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo. He said ok as long as I got it someplace that doesn't matter. So I got it in Detroit.
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