Jokes

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[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OBAP_VMJGE"]A Car That Runs On Clean Renewable Energy[/ame]

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Sometimes, you just can't win......



Not funny, just saving face....

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Interesting images - not funny....

Some incredible images

Also, interesting.....



Meanwhile, somewhere in America....




Funny - allow me to top that off for you...

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, manager of this ice rink!"
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Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
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Q: What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
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An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."
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First the doctor told me the good news:

I'm going to have a new disease named after me!
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My first drink with my son. I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I had it.

Then I got him a Harp Lager, he didn't like it, so I had it.

It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Murphy's Irish Red and Premium Dry Cider. By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
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Interesting, not funny....

http://www.alternatewars.com/Bomb_Lo...Bomb_Guide.htm

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[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAkrzEqHHyA"]60 000 HP "Shockwave" FIRST JET RACE EVER[/ame]

Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can not use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" -- "The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" -- "All I'm looking for is a guy who will do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" -- "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" -- "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

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Unshakable facts....

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News... Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

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Clever, logical first graders! YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS to solve

There is a reason why the question shown below, from a Hong Kong elementary school test, is making the rounds on the internet. Most adults can't solve it – not for want of math skills, but because most of them have lost the child's ability of unconventional thinking. Instead, they have acquired the debilitating unwillingness to try a different perspective. Look closely.



The answer to the problem is provided at the bottom, but before you give up, here are some clues.

This problem is not mathematical, but rather philosophical. It proves that, in spite of what the modern "progressive" philosophers tell us, not all viewpoints are equally valid; in most cases, there is only one point of view that leads to the right answer.

If you're still unsure about the answer, see below.

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Insults....

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

[Joe Wicked]

One to add to your list

Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really useful for anything but they bring a smile to your face... ...when you push them down the stairs. - me.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
Hands down the best!!!!

[Jaydee]

Women should be obscene and not heard.
JD

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Best day ever.....



Short love stories...

A couple was driving home late at night after a party when the wife asked, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy, and irresistible you are to women?"
Her flattered husband grinned. "No, dear, they haven't."
She yelled, "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party tonight?!"?

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Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex,
I'll be dead in a week."

"Why is that?" Bill asks.

Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."

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The Judge asked the prostitute, "Tell the court when you realized you had been raped".
The Prostitute replied, wiping her tears, "When his check bounced."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was
stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

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After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. It read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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"I have to be very careful not to get pregnant," a woman told her friend.
"I don't understand," said the friend. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
The woman answered, "Precisely."

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small
male genital. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

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A bit of History....

Al Capone's Bullet-Proof Cadillac



Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan....

Say you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is
no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and
four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
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Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

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Three ways to load a truck.....

Just a minute each but worth watching


Creative Movers in Taiwan

Loading a Motorcycle Like a Boss

Loading Your Motorbike in Style onto a Truck

Also.....

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First Rule of *Always Right* Club:

No Men Allowed.


I never know what to do with my hands during sex.

I just end up snapping my fingers along with the rhythm.


I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.


If a genie ever gives me three wishes, goodbye Kardashians.


What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.


Live each day as if everyone loves you because self-delusion is underrated as a coping mechanism.


I just ate a salad that was so bad, Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.


Cop: I see you failed to use your turn signal back there. So I pulled an illegal u-turn, broke the speed limit and forced other drivers off the road with my flashing strobe lights so I could detain you and extort money from you...to teach you a lesson about unsafe driving habits.

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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.