Jokes

[bliss]

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.
_____



Sort of funny....




Obama has decided to make Community College education "FREE" (for those who qualify, meaning they are low/no income or members of a minority class).

Obama states that he will proceed with executive action to accomplish this, irrespective of Congress or citizen desires.

The President has even outlined the curriculum that will be offered. He insists that the courses offered must include:

‘Introduction to the Metric’ system…with emphasis on the unit ‘grams’ used in retail sales.

‘Ebonics not Phonics’ The way to say something without using those stupid rules of grammar or spelling.

‘Economics for Today’….Why you deserve other people’s money even if you don’t contribute to society.

‘Modern Sociology’ How the latest trends in rioting, looting, and men like Al Sharpton have enhanced our society.

‘Immigration’….It’s no longer illegal, it’s your right! Why you should not have to comply with immigration laws once you have managed to sneak into the country.

[bliss]

A group of seniors was sitting around talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another.
"My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
_____

[bliss]

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Many years later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

[bliss]

50 Shades of Bacon Burger...




On the Bacon Burger above: unsmoked back bacon, unsmoked streaky bacon, smoked back and smoked streaky bacon, turkey bacon, prosciutto, mortadella, pancetta, a bacon burger, a sausage patty and chicken fried bacon, AND to top it all off there’s bacon crisps, baconnaise and bacon dusted chips.

[bliss]

Home Security....

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.
_____

[bliss]

Now, how to mount this on a Cobra?

[bliss]

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.
_____

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_____

An elderly black woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
_____

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
_____

[bliss]

Editing skills....



How To Stop The Church Gossip


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

[bliss]

Well THAT was a big help!





A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So no point in your coming in for that."

[bliss]

A doctor is speaking to his patient. ‘The results of your last test are conclusive,’ he says. ‘You’ve got six months to live.’ ‘Oh my God,’ says the patient. ‘Is there any thing I can do?’ ‘You could try lots of mud baths,’ says the doctor. ‘And will that cure me?’ asks the patient. ‘No,’ replies the doctor. ‘But it will help you get used to lying in dirt.’
_____

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, a$$hole!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[bliss]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day,?I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70+, sitting a couple of stools down,also overheard the conversation.


He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh!t."
_____

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
Tarzan not know sex he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.
Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?
Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.
_____

I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.
_____

Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has apologized for referring to black actors as “colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk show.

But, on the plus side, now we’ll get to hear Al Sharpton try to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

[bliss]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck!

[bliss]

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi68a0LsLDA"]America, Start Your Engines![/ame]

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said

"NOTHING"
_____

[bliss]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal
was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it
just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt
into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening
and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of
dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.



As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on
top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up
over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and
take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the sh!t out of the
farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite
got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from
septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.

[bliss]

[bliss]

...no, I haven't seen the cat. Why? ..





A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming

[EarlsflyinCobra]

It all started at Dick’s Sporting Goods

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had
instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

[bliss]

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a%%hole.
_____

[bliss]

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift.

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not.

May you always have Love to Share, Health to Spare, and Friends Who Care.
_____