Jokes

[bliss]

Bravest Jack Russell on the Planet....

[SMOKNAC]

For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.


Although I am still in great shape since being in high school football 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.


I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.


Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

______________________________

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

______________________________


TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
______________________________


WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

__________________________


THURSDAY:
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late — it took me that long to tie my shoes.


He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.


Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine—which I sank.
_________________________________


FRIDAY:
I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.


Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.


The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

______________________________


SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
_______________________________


SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[bliss]

Logic check....

1=4

2=8

3=24

4=??

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Want to die young......

[bliss]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "Look I don't have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
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My wife is weird...

She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
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A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

[bliss]

A friend just returned from a visit to a looted CVS pharmacy in Baltimore. She said all that was left was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards......
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My favorite drawings at the Muhammad cartoon festival in Texas were the two chalk outlines out front.
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What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.
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Is Google a Boy or a Girl?

A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it never ever forgets what you said.
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[bliss]

My wife is a sex object.

Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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My doctor recommended I work out with dumbbells, so I asked my wife and her sister if they wanted to go jogging with me.
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My neighborhood watch group is having a meeting about the creepy guy. I wasn't invited.
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URGENT WARNING!

If you get an email titled "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton" — for God’s sake DO NOT open it!

It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

[bliss]

Mars Landing


TEXTING BETWEEN GENERATIONS..

*Daughter to Dad...*

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. So, get out your checkbook. LOL :>) I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding. Lots of love and thank you sooooo much!, Your favorite daughter, Lilly



*Dad's Reply.... (also by texting)...*

My Dear Lilly: Like, Wow! Really? Cool! AWESOME! Whatever... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay. L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy
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One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."
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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?


A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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[bliss]

English is weird..

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
_____

A traveling salesman is riding through the countryside when his car breaks down. He walks to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

The farmer tells him, "We ain't got a phone, but I'm headin' into town tomorrow an' you kin spend the night here. O' course you'll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I'm in the wrong joke."

The farmer adds, "And an outdated one, too. Nowadays salesmen jes' carry a cell phone."
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Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?

A: They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

[Gaz64]

Originally Posted by bliss

Mars Landing


Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?


A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
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I like this one, can I use it at work and substitute "lawyer" with "salesman or service manager"?

Keep them coming Bliss, a great job.

Gary

[bliss]

Thanks Gary - you know, one of the moderators here is a lawyer! I'm not sure what the other one does for a living. Yes, of course you may use it.

Anyway - some dark humor....



I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
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I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
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[bliss]

If you love something, set it free.

If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.
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I got kicked out of the

dentist's for using all the nitrous oxide. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
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Cool pilot story....


Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.
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[bliss]

Lazy people fact #4564321564

You were too lazy to read that number.
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I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!

Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.

I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

Well that was when the trouble started.
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A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?”

She says, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.”
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[cycleguy55]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

[bliss]

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
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A sailor walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The sailor says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The sailor smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

And that, my friends.........is Confidence !

[bliss]

My earliest memory is nine months before I was born. I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.
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My neighbors listen to great music......whether they like to or not.
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My wife kept complaining that she needed more space, so I locked her out of the house.
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I don't remember the words "Anything you say can and will be used against you" being in my marriage vows.
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On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: “Broken.”

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, “There’s plenty of time left!”
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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[bliss]

A Scene at the City Hall in San Francisco....

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.""Names?" "Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance." "Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!""Incest?"

No, we are not gay." "Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman." "Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim." "And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next." "Hi. We are here to get married." "Names?" "John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson." "Who wants to marry whom?""We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!" "That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship." "But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples." "So you're discriminating against bisexuals!" "No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.""Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere." "Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!" "All right, all right. Next." "Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?" "David Deets.""And the other man?" "That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?" "Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return." "That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

[SMOKNAC]

I hope you like some of these.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”, I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to: “screw the people”?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is Salad!

[bliss]

[SMOKNAC]

Don't you find it amusing how one's thoughts and philosophies change as we get a little older?

Here is what one of the many many coffee klatch's came up with recently. How do they compare to your thoughts?
A Retired Person's Perspective:

1. I’m not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed!

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying “I went to the Jim this morning.”

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[bliss]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he
noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her
boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the
flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after
everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me
that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her
Breast. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear
any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."
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My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. She's right: I'm looking for the mute button.
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I nearly invested money in the Egyptian tourism industry, until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme.
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I'm not allowed on cruise ships anymore. It all started with that whole "poop deck" misunderstanding.
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Women say that men have it easy because we've never experienced childbirth. How the hell do they think we got here?
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up.

You're experiencing what scientists refer to as "the eye of the s%^tstorm."
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