Jokes

[indianamoon]

deleted, ebay auction price modified to near normal

[bliss]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is --











If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..

[bliss]

A man was in a long line at Walmart , as he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know so she asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




'Cleanup, Register 5'
_____

[392cobra]

CNN Breaking News: South Carolina to ban the sale of Tylenol in bottles because they fear picking the cotton from the bottle may represent racism and slavery.

[bliss]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
_____

[bliss]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring . The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."


I always wondered how this trend got started...
______

I knew our sex life was over when she took my hand, looked at me with tear filled eyes and said...“I do”
_____

[bliss]

If anybody's interested...

Greece just went up on eBay.

[bliss]

[bliss]

Have Fun With This Little Test


1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock


2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
(a) Rebel Without A Cause
(b) Blackboard Jungle
(c) The Wild Ones


3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint?
Earth _____
(a) Angel
(b) Mother
(c) Worm


4. ''I found my thrill…’' Where?
(a) Kansas City
(b) Heartbreak Hotel
(c) Blueberry Hill


5. ''Please turn on your magic beam
_____ _____ bring me a dream,''
(a) Mr. Sandman
(b) Earth Angel
(c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
(a) Atlantic
(b) RCA
(c) Sun

7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
(b) Charlie Brown
(c) Buster Brown

8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
(a) Mac Heath
(b) Mac Cloud
(c) McNamara

9. Name the song with
''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
(c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
(a) Dick Clark
(b) Wolfman Jack
(c) Alan Freed



11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
(a) Little Richard
(b) Frankie Lymon
(c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
(a) Brenda Lee
(b) Connie Francis
(c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers were.....
(a) Pete and Dick
(b) Don and Phil
(c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
(a) Jiles P. Richardson
(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
(c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
(a) Decca
(b) Cameo
(c) Motown

16. Ed Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''.
What TV show was he on?
(a) 77 Sunset Strip
(b) Hawaiian Eye
(c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
(a) Carol Lynley
(b) Sandra Dee
(c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love''.
(a) The Penguins
(b) The Monotones
(c) The Moonglows

19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called
''Till I ______ You.''
(a) Loved
(b) Kissed
(c) Screwed
(d) Met

20. Chuck Berry sang
''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''
(a) Suzie Q
(b) Peggy Sue
(c) Maybelline

21. ''Wooly _______''
(a) Mammouth
(b) Bully
(c) Pully

22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat....."
(a) can't go into town no more
(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
(c) peepin' in a seafood store

23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do........''
(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is......''
(a) Mr. Earl
(b) Jackie Pearl
(c) Milton Berle

25. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
(a) she's got the rabies
(b) she's my baby
(c) she loves me, maybe

26. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing …..''
(a) right here
(b) fifty cents
(c) just for you

27. ''He wore black denim trousers and …..''
(a) a pink carnation
(b) pink leotards
(c) motorcycle boots


28. ''I got a gal named……....''
(a) Jenny Zamboni
(b) Gerri Mahoney
(c) Boney Maroney




Answers:
Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).






* * * * * * * * * * * *


1. (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock


2. (b) Blackboard Jungle


3. (a) Angel


4. (c) Blueberry Hill


5. (a) Mr. Sandman


6. (c) Sun


7. (b) Charlie Brown


8. (a) Mac Heath


9. (c) Tutti Fruitti


10. (c) Alan Freed


11. (a) Little Richard


12. (c) Annette Funicello


13. (b) Don and Phil


14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson


15. (c) Motown


16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip


17. (b) Sandra Dee


18. (b) The Monotones


19. (b) Kissed


20. (c) Maybelline


21. (b) Bully


22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store


23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues


24. (a) Mr. Earl


25. (b) she's my baby


26. (a) right here


27. (c) motorcycle boots


28. (c) Boney Maroney

[bliss]

The problem is....

All men are
seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.
The problem is,
after a few years,
the nympho leaves....
But the maniac stays.
_____

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.
_____

4th of July weekend...

[bliss]

I have a bumper sticker that says...


"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about my self.
_____

[bliss]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says........

"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."*
_____

[bliss]

A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment.
She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human
body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said,
"Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said,
"Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body
enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said,
"That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its
original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said,
"That's right, Johnny."
Then, she turned to Susie and said,
"Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a
dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big
disappointment."
_____

I'll bet he doesn't own a Cobra....

[bliss]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my Donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So instead, the King hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
______

[bliss]

Recently released from the United Nations reveal that:
Australian, Canadian, New Zealand and U.S. men between 50
and 85 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three
times per week.

Whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will rarely
have sex at all, statistically only once or twice per year,
if that.

This is very upsetting news to me . . . as I had no idea I was Japanese.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints.
She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken
many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photos,his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation,

"That's my old Ford!".

[bliss]

I've been known to seize the day…

...but mostly I just hug it like a tired boxer holds onto his opponent when he knows the fight's almost over.
_____

Human Resources came up with a cool new term for things I like to do at work. They call it "inappropriate"
_____

Desert Island Diary – Day 1

4:15pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died, now I wait.

5:25pm: That pizza is definitely free!
_____

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.

"I've got an offer for you" the devil explains

"Go on...." Says the young lawyer

"Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all love you, you'll have a golden tongue with any jury, you'll get all the vacation days you could ever want, and you'll live to be 100" replies the devil..."all I ask is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and your children's children's souls rot in hell for eternity"

The lawyer leans back in his chair and inquisitively asks, "what's the catch?"
_____

[bliss]

Last night in bed, my wife said we should try some role reversal. I told her I had a headache.
_____

Food for thought....

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quite was because nobody was married - Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie - all single.


The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. Just sayin'
_____

Lost in the Fifties- Another Time, Another Place

[bliss]

I can't remember the last time I heard a good Alzheimer's joke.
_____

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.
_____

My niece miscarried last night. She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.
_____

There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on it saying "Don't eat me." I left an empty plate with my own note: "I don't take orders from a cake."
_____

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
_____

[bliss]

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
after a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!"

Protestant:"I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:

"I'm not selling..."
_____

PUNS intended...

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker,
But he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
It'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
And was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
Would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
Said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
Prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
Pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary,
They got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,
You'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
During a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.