Jokes

[bliss]

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".
_____

I saw this gorgeous girl at the bar, so I walked over and said: "Where have you been all my life?" "Well," she said, "for the first half of it I wasn't even born."
_____

[bliss]

amazing hologram

[SMOKNAC]

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound Dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one line memo: "DEFROST THE CHICKEN.” true story.

[SMOKNAC]

Texas Sheriff's Exam

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: A west Texas sheriff's department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six ambulance-chasing lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?”

GOD, I LOVE TEXAS

[bliss]

I said to my wife: "On your gravestone I'll put "COLD AS EVER".

She said: "On yours I'll put "STIFF AT LAST".
_____

I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body. I met her on Match.com.
_____

I'm such a firm believer in reincarnation, I'm leaving everything to myself.
_____

I watched my dog chase his tail in circles for ten minutes, thinking how stupid and easily entertained he was. Then I realized I had just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

Life really is good.
I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have my own pad.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

[bliss]

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.
_____

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

[bliss]

[bliss]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

The teacher fainted!!
_____

[Ron61]

Courtesy of one of our South African members:

​Random thoughts

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Ron

[Ron61]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm
based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had
similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet
room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions
correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
another?”

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I
don't know.’


You put down, 'Neither do I.’ "

Ron

[bliss]

Drive-through ATM:

Him: Pull up to ATM,insert card, enter PIN, take cash,card and receipt,drive away.

Her: Pull up to ATM,back up and pull forward to get closer,shut off engine,put keys in purse,get out of car because you are too far from machine,hunt in purse for card,insert card,hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it,enter PIN,study instructions,hit "cancel",re-insert card and re-enter correct PIN,check balance,look for envelope,look in purse for pen,make cash withdrawal,get in car,check makeup,look for keys,start car,check makeup,start pulling away,stop,back up to machine,get out of car,take card and receipt,get back in car,put card in wallet, put receipt in check book,enter withdrawal in check book,clear area in purse for wallet and check book,check makeup put car in reverse,put car in first gear,drive away from machine,drive three miles,release handbrake.
_____



A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
_____

[bliss]

I am going bananas. That’s what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.

If anybody can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually.

"Engagement" can mean either planning to marry or initiating combat. Coincidence?

One of Jesus' most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.

I'd be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

People that say "God never gives you more than you can handle" never met my ex-girlfriend.

If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.”
You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary. Alternately, let your monocle fall from an eye socket into your drink.

Tell a girl shes pretty 100 times, she won’t believe you. Tell a girl she’s fat once and she'll remember it forever cause elephants never forget.

[bliss]

Tragic News

The man who invented autocorrect has died. His funfair is next monkey.
_____

[SMOKNAC]

This is too true to be funny!

The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain . . . let's take a look at New Orleans . . . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number. What does it mean?

A. Well, If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528.00.
B. Or, If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.00.
C. Or, If you are a family of four - Your family gets $2,066,012.00.

HELLO Washington, D.C
Are all your calculators broken?
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax (i.e. death tax is taxing money that tax has already been paid on)
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago.
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And I still have to Press '1' for English.
What happened?
Can you spell ‘Democrat AND Republican Politicians’!
I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times
What the hell happened to our country?????

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by SMOKNAC

This is too true to be funny!

The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain . . . let's take a look at New Orleans . . . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number. What does it mean?

A. Well, If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528.00.
B. Or, If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.00.
C. Or, If you are a family of four - Your family gets $2,066,012.00.

HELLO Washington, D.C
Are all your calculators broken?
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax (i.e. death tax is taxing money that tax has already been paid on)
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-Recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes!

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago.
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world.
And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
And I still have to Press '1' for English.
What happened?
Can you spell ‘Democrat AND Republican Politicians’!
I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times
What the hell happened to our country?????

Sorry but the feds do not get the sales tax, vehicle taxes, school tax, etc. Those are state or local, not federal. Now this does not mean we are not overtaxed, but so long as we want a military, an interstate system, food and drug regulation, etc. there will be a cost to do so.

[Tom Wells]

TAXES

I have a t-shirt that says "DGMS"

The small print under the acronym says "Don't get me started"

My kids gave me the shirt. I wonder why...

[bliss]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

[SMOKNAC]

How fights start:
__________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
__________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
__________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
__________
My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.
__________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started.
__________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 4 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
__________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started.
__________
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began.
__________
I rear-ended a car this morning ... the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
__________

[bliss]

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn't piss anyone off.

She said I'm 'barely tolerable,' which means there's still a chance.

“John could tell that Emily was getting tired of him narrating their date."

I'm so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I don't have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

The Zika virus can now be transmitted sexually. Luckily, most of you reading this have nothing to worry about.

I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.

My financial situation is so bad, I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

Remember--the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it's not impossible.

My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me.
______

Points to ponder.......

1. Should you do the right things or should you do things right?

2. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

3. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

4. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

5. Why is it called a building when it's already built?

6. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

7. Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?

8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

9. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

10. If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

11. Who took the picture of the first camera? And how was it taken?

12. Is sand called sand because it's between sea and land?