Jokes

[SMOKNAC]

At breakfast, the husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
"I'd take half and leave you," she says.
Great," he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”

[bliss]

[95CobraR]

I am enjoying these.

[bliss]

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness

...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
_____

Two Irish nuns, old and young, were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us your t!ts, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".

So, Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough, Sister?"

[SMOKNAC]

Free Sex

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.”

[bliss]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a sexy, loose fitting pink dress.

As they walked through the primates’ exhibit, they passed in front of a large silver back gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"NOW," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"
_____

Little girl: "Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Mom: "Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both."
_____

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me

[bliss]

[bliss]

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the Family Dog.
_____

[bliss]

The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
_____

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
3. A dog's parents never visit.
4. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
5. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

[bliss]

People ask me why I don't have any tattoos...

For the same reason you don't put a bumper sticker on a Cobra.

[SMOKNAC]

Art of the Deal
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get you a better deal. See you later, grandpa.”
Never mess with the elderly!

[bliss]

Two Sides to a Story......

Sharon and Leanne are out having a coffee and catching up.

"So, how was your evening last night, Sharon?"

"A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes, the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of sex, before rolling over and falling asleep, two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?"

"Oh, mine was incredible. Mike was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful!"

Meanwhile, Kevin and Mike were at the pub.

"So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?"

"Incredible! When I came home, Sharon had the food ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?"

"A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Leanne arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive, I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these friggin' candles, to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....just a total disaster!!"
_____

[bliss]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
_____

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
_____

[bliss]

When you're getting paid by the job, not the hour.

[bliss]

Dating Definitions

• DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

• EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

• EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

• FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

• INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

• IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

• NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

• SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

• ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

[bliss]

[bliss]

My doctor said my heavy drinking was was making me paranoid. He asked: "When did you have your last drink?" "I said: "What do you mean last?"
_____



A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the
gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come
on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this
nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she
said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it
to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come
on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops
ago!"
_____

[bliss]

For years I've been reading this same advice - that if you want to be successful you should do what you love.

"Do what you love and the money will follow!"

So today I ate a pizza, drank wine, took a 5 hour nap in my underwear & took selfies with my dog...

Now I wait.
_____

[bliss]

The history of the middle finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.
_____

What is the definition of eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four way intersection
_____

I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny to watch cops chase a donut truck on the news..
_____

The way it should be.......

Hello... Thank you for calling

For English press 1
for any other language please hang up and relocate to the country where its spoken
_____

I gazed into her eyes.

My heart was pounding.
Lips trembling, unable to speak.
She opened her little mouth and uttered three words, I'll never forget.

THAT'S HIM OFFICER.......

[bliss]

Misc.....

If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to...
Husband: Do you mean with other people?

My wife hates it when I say "You are just like your mother!"
Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.

Sometimes I'm right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.

My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.

My wife dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?"
I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.

Generally speaking, a woman's hotness is directly proportional to the number of times your wife calls her a whore.

After sex with my wife, I like to light a cigarette and just lie in bed.
I’ve quit smoking.
20 years ago.

My wife's idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor.
She's had a headache for the past 15 years.

The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket.

Apparently "mowing the lawn" means two completely different things to my wife and I.

If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

My wife is a big tennis fan, tells me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I promised her I'd try to stop.

I tell my wife we are broke so we don't end up broke.

As I sit here naked in Hugh Jackman's hotel room, it occurs to me that I might have mixed up my bucket list with my wife's.

Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.

Married my wife for her looks.
Just not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
_____