Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Things you wish you could say at work:


1. Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

17. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

22. No, my powers can only be used for good.

23. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 24. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

25. Do I look like a people person?

26. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

27. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

28. You!...Off my planet!

29. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

30. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

31. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

32. Allow me to introduce my selves.

33. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

34. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

35. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

38. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

39. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

40. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

41. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

42. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

43. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

45. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

46. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
_____

Women's View of Men

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and theyre always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Slinky toys.
They're not good for much, but they make you smile when they fall down the stairs.
_____

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
_____

One Day at the North Pole...

One Christmas long, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. There was one problem after another that year; a few of the best elves came down with the flu, and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere. He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say, this stressed poor Santa even more.

Then, when he began to load up the sleigh, one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming, Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor. Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "I'm running late, where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?"

And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
_____

Q: What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor?

A: Make me one with everything.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted
against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed
the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United
Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build
a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
_____

Ever since his late teens Jim had suffered from terrible headaches. Finally, in desperation after years of misery, he sought medical advice. Many tests later, the doctor sat down with Jim to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said, "Jim, I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the
base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way medical science can relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Jim was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice - "Cut 'em". When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, Jim realized that he felt like a different person - he could make a new beginning and live a new life. Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what I need, a
new suit." He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Jim laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied.

Jim tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As he admired himself in the
mirror, the old tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Jim thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The old tailor eyed Jim and
said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Again, Jim was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the old tailor replied.

Jim tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in
the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?"

Jim was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The tailor eyed his feet and said,
"Let's see... 9-1/2 E."

Jim was astonished. He laughed and said, "Don't tell me, I know, you've been in the business 60 years!"

Jim tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around
the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Jim thought for a second and said, "Sure." The old tailor stepped back, eyed Jim's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Jim laughed, "Ah-hah I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The old tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."

[cobra de capell]

Subject: The Politician

While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," he says aloofly.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose were to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the pol.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down …. to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a gleaming clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him; everyone is very happy and dressed in fancy evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, slap him on the back and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf, do some gambling, have a few drinks (all free) and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven, where St. Peter is waiting.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. It is very peaceful and serene. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers "Well, I would never have guessed that I would say this …. I mean Heaven has been delightful …. but I think I would prefer to be in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors of the elevator open. He is in the middle of a barren, hot, glaring landscape covered with human waste and burning garbage. He sees all his friends - naked, sweating, forlorn - picking up the burning trash with their bare hands and putting into immense, heavy bags that they drag, on bleeding, cut bare feet, along the uneven and sharp gravel-strewn ground. Periodically, demons swoop in with whips and hot pokers to prod on the exhausted and suffering souls.

The Devil comes over and lays his arm on his neck. “You’re back,” he sneers into his face with the foulest of breath.

"I don't understand," stammers the pol. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank wine and margaritas and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of burning garbage, and my friends look miserable.”

The Devil smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Ron61]

After I retired, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

… The doctor said I should be able to see again when the

swelling goes down and I get the neck brace off next week.

[VRM]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work; too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about 'elite chicken farmer'."

Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

........."Good enough!"

[cobra de capell]

This isn't funny, but I could not help myself:

[d_ford]

>
>>- UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
>>Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue
>>and reserve a tray, because you must be dead.
>>
>>Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
>>your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
story

>>of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
>>their car break down in the parking lot.
>>
>>The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the
>>car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of
people

>>near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
>>protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts,
his

>>lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
>>Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
>>quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
>>place.
>>
>>On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself
>>staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
>>
>>The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

[d_ford]

Two faithful wives, who had never before gone anywhere without their husbands much less gone out to a bar, decided to go out one evening and have a few drinks leaving their husbands home. After a night of consuming large amounts of alcohol the two women decided they had better walk home as they were both too drunk to drive. As they were taking a short cut through the local cemetary they had a sudden urge to pee. They looked around to be sure no one was watching and squatted down. After they were finished they suddenly realized that they had nothing to wipe with. The first wife slipped off her panties, wiped and threw them in the bushes. The second wife, thinking that her panties were a gift from her loving husband and very expensive, looked around to find something else to use. A flower arrangement lay close by on a fresh grave so she pulled the ribbon off and proceeded to use it.
The next morning the two troubled husbands were talking. The first one said quietly, I think maybe my wife did something terrible last night. Why? asked the second husband. Well, when she came home so late last night I woke up and noticed that she didn't have her panties on! You think that's bad? Said the second....when I woke up this morning I found a card in my wifes ass that said: From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you.

[Ron61]

37HSSV-0773H

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."

370HSSV-0773H

[cobra de capell]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When the mother brought the new baby home from the
hospital, Little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's
missing ears or even said the word, "ears", he would get the spanking of
his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he
understood completely.

When Little Johnny looked into the crib he said,
"What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet
and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes" , the mother replied, "we are so thankful.
The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be
s*^t outta luck if he needed glasses."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Six Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex
by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month, but it's not enough to live on...!
_____

Q: How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

A: He marks the camels that kick
_____

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton.

60% said, "Never again!"
_____

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[cobra de capell]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

[cobra de capell]

Q: What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?

A: They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.

[cobra de capell]

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer

[Ron61]

Are you having a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...............................
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits. ..Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits
. There now, feeling better????

[Cobrabill]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to have to drive on to the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or
unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that as
a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...............................

[FUNFER2]

I was walking down the street with my new eye glasses when, the prescription ran out,.... couldn't see a damn thing.

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by Ron61

Are you having a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...............................
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.

Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil
spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their
medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide
team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits. ..Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits
. There now, feeling better????

and the rest of the story....

http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/fakenews.htm

Rick

[Tinker51]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."