Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs...a green spot on
the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know that's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

______

Since their wedding day three years before, Cindy had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past.

"Come on tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Honey, if I told you you'd just get mad." he replied.

"No I won't, I promise. Please tell me," she pleaded.

Finally he said, "Well OK. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven...."

[Wes Tausend]

...

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".

"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.

Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".

"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

================\

Cowboy Prayer


Jake, the rancher, went one day
to fix a distant fence.

The wind was cold and gusty
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
and gathered tools to go,

The temperature had fallen,
the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
he felt a heavy heart.

From the sound of that ignition,
he knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
he softly cursed his luck.

They found him three days later,
frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
and done his share of roaming.

But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked
it looked just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven,
his favorite was St. Peter.

(Now, this line ain't needed
But it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two,
or maybe it was three.

Nobody was keeping score
in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"That God will answer prayer,
but one time I asked for help,
well, he just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square
I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,
without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
the weather or the season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
it's just the way I feel.

And I was wondering, "could you tell me,
what the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently
and when Jake was done,
there were smiles of recognition,
and he said, "So, you're the one!!"

!!!

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
you gave us all a real bad time,
with hundreds of us trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,
to check the status of your file,
but you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
from you in quite a long while."

"And though all prayers are answered,
and God ain't got no quota,

He didn't recognize your voice,
and started a truck in Minnesota!"

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH


...

[Danr55]

IN 1964, a young man and the love of his life get married. They live a happy life on the citrus farm in Florida for many years. In 1975 the lady decides she wants a swimming pool. So her hubby, being a loving, caring man, clears a spot in the orchard and puts in a swimming pool for his bride. They continue to live a pleasant, though childless, life for many years. After 34 years of marriage, the lady has a heart attack and dies suddenly, leaving her husband alone. He spends several years mourning her passing and neglects the orchard and the swimming hole.

One sunny afternoon he decides he is going to pick some oranges, so he grabs a bucket and walks out into the orchard, without thinking he's wandered down toward the swimming pool. As he gets closer, he hears the sound of many young female voices. He quietly peeks through the trees and see 8 young ladies skinny dipping in his wife's swimming hole. He pauses for a moment and then steps out in to the open and says," Hi Ladies".

The young women, taken by surprise, all swim to the far end of the pond and cover thems selves as best they can. One of them steps forward and boldly tells the old man, "You better go away. We know why you're here and we're not coming out until you've gone."

Well, the old man just smiles and hold up his bucket. He says, "Not to wory, I'm just here to feed the aligators".

[cobra de capell]

Welcome to the Liberal Phone Sex Hotline.

We’re here to indulge all your liberal sexual fantasies. Please listen to the following options:

Press 1 if you want to talk to Sunblossom, our Birkenstock-wearing, patchouli-smelling, hairy-bodied tree-hugging hippie. She’ll tell you all about how eating meat is cruel and how George W. Bush is solely responsible for global warming. If you’re feeling really kinky, she’ll play a recording of Al Gore’s latest speech while you listen to her talk clean and earth safe to you.

Press 2 if you want to talk to Jo, our angry, male-hating, flannel-wearing, combat boot-wearing, mullet-haired lesbian. She’ll tell you how all of the world’s problems are the fault of you and every other disgusting pig of a male like you in the world. She’ll call you all kinds of threatening names and tell you how she can please your wife, girlfriend, sister or mother like no man ever could.

Press 3 if you want to talk to Janeane, our resident whacko. She’ll tell you how she can’t get any decent roles in Hollywood anymore because of the vast right-wing conspiracy run by the neocons. She’ll share her brand of “humor” as she *****es and moans about everything and records all your reactions to play back later on her radio show. But don’t worry, it’s not like anyone actually listens to it. For an extra $1.99 a minute, she’ll tell you juicy details about her past sexual exploits with other “comedians” both male and female.

Press 4 if you want to talk to Madeline, our powerful lobbyist. She’ll tell you how right-wing and Republican lobbyists are the lowest form of life and created from pure evil, but how she and other left-wing lobbyists like herself are sincere people just trying to make the world a better place. Listen as she describes hot pork belly projects and how she lines her sexy pockets with kickbacks and bribes from the same people you voted for. She’ll tell you all about her recent exploits to ensure safer emissions, safer roads and more jobs for Americans as she talks on her cell phone while driving her foreign-built SUV as fast as she can down Rodeo Drive.

Press 5 if you want the privilege of talking to a life-like recording of Barbra Streisand, Susan Sarandon, Annette Benning, and Cameron Diaz having a four-way ***** session about how the Republican government is legalizing rape, torturing innocent people and basically driving this country into the ground. They’ll talk about how abortion should be free and legal and capital punishment should be stopped forever. They’ll discuss how guns should be banned (expect, of course for their bodyguards) and marijuana and cocaine should be legalized. Hot, sexy hypocrisy at its finest!!

Press 6 to listen to Margaret Cho and Eddie Vedder scream profanities about President George W. Bush and all Republicans. Can you take it?

Press 7 if you are into alternative lifestyles and want to hear a three-way conversation with Michael Moore, Al Franken and Garrison Keillor. They’ll be talking about how the United States would be so much better if it were just like Canada. Listen to their quips regarding George Bush, Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney and virtually everyone in America who doesn’t agree with them. Lucky callers may even have the experience of these lumpy letharios getting it on with George Clooney. Imagine! A four-way of ignorance and self-satisfaction at your fingertips!! And just because none of these guys has any kind of government experience or a college education doesn’t mean they don’t know more than little peons like you!

(To hear Madonna give advice on how to improve the United States by making it more like England, hang up now and dial 1-900-old-slut.)

Call now! Operators are standing by. Or sitting by. Most likely they will be on one of their many union-mandated coffee or smoke breaks. But keep calling and eventually you might actually get someone motivated enough to actually work. That is if they haven’t taken off early to spend their welfare check.

[cobra de capell]

The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[EarlsflyinCobra]

DUSTY UNDERWEAR


One morning, Jeff took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

'What the ? ? ?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'Joyce,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'



She shot back: 'It's not talcum powder. It's
'Miracle Grow'.'

[cobra de capell]

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbit listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

The couple goes home and follows the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "Schmuck, that's the way you wave a towel!"

[cobra de capell]

Elephant-hunting as a discriminator of techie types

MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don’t hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don’t hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don’t hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don’t hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven’t caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

[cobra de capell]

I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -- Hippolyte Taine

I interfaced my cat to my radio. I just got hiss.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill

If you underestimate protocol, you've never had a cat.

If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat.

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. -- English proverb

[cobra de capell]

Tyson Foods visits the Pope

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”

The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”

Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer
from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”

“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”

[cobra de capell]

Three women are in a locker room dressing to play raquetball when a man runs throught wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
The first woman looks at his dick and says, "Well, it's not my husband."
The second woman says, "No, it isn't."
The third woman says, "He's not even a member of this club."

[cobra de capell]

My Favorite Mike Tyson Quote

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

On Lennox Lewis

"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On Evander Holyfield

"You got nothing coming, man. I'm going to enjoy this fight."

After biting Holyfield he said, "This is my career. I have children to raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me."

"I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I wasn't getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot defend it, but it happened."

On Razor Ruddock

"You're sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me good with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend."

On Tyrell Biggs

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows "Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you're fittin' to die!"

"He was screaming like my wife."

"I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time."

On His Wife

"I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

"Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I would rip her head off. It's all lies. I have never laid a finger on her."

On His Childhood

"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

On Fans

To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: "I don't feel love from them because there's no love. They don't know me as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they pay to see me smash anybody. If they're white they pay, [it's] because the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my character, they wouldn't testify positively against me and they would think I'm a cad..."

"There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right."

"I think the average person thinks I'm a f**king nut and I deserve whatever happens to me. That's what I believe."

"When you see me smash somebody's skull, you enjoy it."

On His Time in Prison

"You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy."

"I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield, those guys wouldn't have been champion when I was around, but I went away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive for a time."

"But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys come here to talk and report but you don't actually look at the facts of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to those guys and they should stand on their mother's shoulders and kiss my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right now. They'd be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at."

On Boxing

"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter. He's the only one that's on Skid Row most of the time; he's the only one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it's a highly intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their self-control]."

"How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It makes me angry. They're just as good as dead."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

Tyson: "It's interesting that you put me in the league with those illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I've proved since my career I've surpassed them as far my popularity. I'm the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don't believe it, check the cash register."

"Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around; you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in."

"I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain."

On His Family

"No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if they're on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money."

Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: "I never saw my mother happy with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she knew I didn't pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it's crushing emotionally and personally."

On the Media

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

"People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason. It's just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I'm in a lot of pain too. I have some pain I'm gonna have for the rest of my life. And Lewis, I'm trying to give some of that pain to ya'll."

"You gentlemen have no idea what it's like to be myself, no idea what it's like. I'm not interested in being humiliated anymore."

"Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys ... it doesn't affect you because you don't care about nothing but money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because you deserve to feel the pain that I feel."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

On Religion

"All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

"I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I'm not meant for this society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says they believe in God but they don't do God's work. Everybody counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I'm a Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me ... I think Jesus would have a drink with me and discuss ... why you acting like that? Now, he would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and said in the name of Jesus even ... They'd throw me in jail and write bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is a wonderful man and he's coming back to save us. But they don't understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy capitalistic men are gonna kill him again."

Stacey McKinley: "He sees a guy beggin' in the street and he gives him a hundred dollars. I'll say, 'Man, y'know the guy's just gonna spend it on crack!' But he says, 'I leave it to Allah to judge him.'"

"I'm a man. I lived it and I'm not afraid to die but when I die I'm going to paradise and I'm not worried."

[cobra de capell]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it: she stands up in the front of the plane screaming, "I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear. He's a tall, tanned hunk with jet-black hair, and he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

No one moves. As the man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, extends the arm holding this shirt to the trembling woman, and says, "Iron this."

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Only in Texas...




True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the

ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum

jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.



I don't know what's worse:



1) having your girl friend find out you're married.



2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.



3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

[cobra de capell]

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No
one wanted to room with Daryl though, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy, Bill, slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Harry's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
Harry said, "That Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, looking well rested.

"Good morning," he said. The others stared at him in amazement. They couldn't believe their eyes!

They said, "Man, what happened?" Frank said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bedand kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night."

[Ron61]

At the Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

* * * * *
The Sermon
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

* * * * *
Funeral Instructions
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

* * * * *
Church Announcement
There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

* * * * *
Instruction About Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

* * * * *
The Sermon Preparation
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

* * * * *
Bible Lesson
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

* * * * *
The Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

* * * * *
The Creation of Wives
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

* * * * *
After the Preaching on the Devil
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."

[cobra de capell]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the
baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and
he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

[cobra de capell]

Best T-Shirts Of The Summer

1.(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
5. They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going.
6. At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It
7. All...I Just Can’t Remember It All.
8. My Mother Is A Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.
9. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.
10. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
11. If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?
12. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
13. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
14. No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”).
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now.
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About.
19. I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
20. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things are Just Better Rich.
21. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
22. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
IRS—Be Audit You Can Be.
23. Gravity...It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.
24. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
25. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
26. The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.
27. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You.
28. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
29. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.
30. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[cobra de capell]

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and
his cousin didn't want any more childern
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
expensive. "A less costly alternative"
said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it up to your ear
count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me"

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
( you'll love this...)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana ,
Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , and West Virginia

[cobra de capell]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency)
ID badge and a dull gray dress. There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie.. “You know how I work....You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy... “I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...”I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.