Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Subject: Bob's Story

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder
for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Carol to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for
half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on
the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out
is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't
clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob

EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th.
The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it
very suddenly.

[cobra de capell]

Me: "Today is International Women's Day."
Coworker: "So we have to think about women all day?"
Me: "Yup."
Coworker: "How is that different from any other day?"
Me: "Today it's official."
Coworker: "Hooters for lunch then."
Me: "Yup."

Midlife for a woman begins when...

You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans.

You are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, you are now flying squirrels in drag.

You stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end. (without turning around).

You go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.

Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" ... jiggly, yes - jiggy, no.

Your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Tennessee).

You want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think ... "For this I have stretch marks?!"

Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here - or - how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

[cobra de capell]

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House ...
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ...but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one ...or consult a twelve-year-old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

A Woman's Random Thoughts ...

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die!"

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
______

Politically Correct.... Women Vs. Men
How to speak about Women and be politically correct:
1. She is not dumb - She is a detour off the information superhighway.
2. She has not "been around" - She is a previously enjoyed companion.
3. She is not an airhead - She is reality impaired.
4. She does not get drunk or tipsy - She gets chemically inconvienced.
5. She is not "hot to trot" - She is sexually focused.
6. She does not have implants - She is medically enhanced.
7. She does not nag you - She is merely verbally repetitive.
8. She is not "easy" - She is sexually extroverted.
9. She does not have major league hooters - She is pectorally superior.
10. She is not a two-bit [censored] - She is a low cost provider.


How to speak about Men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a beer gut - He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
2. He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian.
3. He does not "get lost all the time" - He investigates alternative destinations.
4. He is not balding - He is in follicle regression.
5. He is not a "cradle robber" - He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
6. He does not get falling-down drunk - He becomes accidentally horizontal.
7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass - He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no one is perfect ... least of all him!).
8. He is not a male chauvinist pig - He has swine empathy.
9. He is not afraid of commitment - He is monogamously challenged.
10. He is not vulgar - He is etiquette deprived.
_____

Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

[cobra de capell]

Southern U.S. Sayings ...
1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."
9. "He's as country as cornflakes."
10. "This is gooder'n grits."
11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

CROOKSPHONICS DICTIONARY
The Government, sensing that Oakland cashed in by labeling African-American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Barf Crook's slang, or "Crooksphonics", as a language to be taught in all schools. The following are excerpts from the Crooksphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The state North of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The state West of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Alabama native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the crick don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. A battle or combat. 2. To engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'mah gonna whup y'uh."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

[cobra de capell]

A woman in her forties was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and said,

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with
you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 46 year old a##?"

"Your name never came up," she replied


As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's
called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and
found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could
be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the
wrong way.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

WATCH OUT FOR THE OLD "FARTS" THEY HAVE BEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO OUT SMART
YOU......... ONE OF THE " ORIGINAL OLD FARTS"


> A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
> chicken coop.
>
> The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old
> fart, time for you to retire."
> The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
> these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me
> have the two old hens over in the corner?"
>
>
> The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
> over."
>
> The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
> around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
> the entire chicken coop."
>
> The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old
> man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
>
> The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
> rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
> the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is
> already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>
> The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
> porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and
> - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
>
> The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit ... third gay
> rooster I bought this month."
>
>
>
> Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
> treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
_________________

[cobra de capell]

Because she smells like a new truck!

[Cobrabill]

Completely juvenile,but funny

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/fartingpreacher4.html

[cobra de capell]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,

"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>
>The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

[cobra de capell]

Ok take note which face is ugly. Then turn around and step back 8 paces and look again.

[cobra de capell]

THE BET


Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two Fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "F*@k you, towel head."
____

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

[dave from mesa]

Probably been posted before butt...........


Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.


Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.


About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.


"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."


"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.


The driver replied: "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I've just killed the old cow,' and the rest happened like lightning!"

[cobra de capell]

[Art Burtt]

An old bull and a young bull were walking trough a field,as they crested a little hill they saw a whole herd of cows grazing in the field below them. The young bull says" hey look at all of those cows,let's run down and ----
a few", the old bull says" let's walk down and ---- 'em all"

[cobra de capell]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
_____

The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your butt.
That's the Governor of California!

You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America!

[cobra de capell]

Policeman testifies in Court:
Lawyer trying to undermine his credibility....
Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, we do! "
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
_____

Which sports car are you? http://www.tomorrowland.us/sportscar/

As for me:

You are a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

WooHoo!

[cobra de capell]

Is it lunch time yet?


When you think about it, what a good (productive) idea - eat your lunch, just lift the lid and go - all without having to go to the bathroom!

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"I see," replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[cobra de capell]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[Ron61]

Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!


I love it when a plan comes together