Jokes

[cobra de capell]

If The Airlines Sold Paint
Customer (CU): Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk (CL): Well, sir, that all depends.

CU: Depends on what?

CL: Actually, a lot of things.

CU: How about giving me an average price?

CL: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CU: What's the difference in the paint?

CL: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

CU: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

CL: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

CU: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

CL: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CU: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

CL: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CU: You've got to be kidding!

CL: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

CU: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.

CL: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

CU: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

CL: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

CU: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

CL: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CU: What?

CL: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

CU: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

CL: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

CU: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?

CL: Yes, sir, it will.

CU: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

CL: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.

[VRM]

You might be a Republican if...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority
here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're
richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of
*****es."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it
because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and
Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain,
little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your
home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in
America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying *****" while attending a
Bob Packwood fund-raiser.

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of
pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because
he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when
they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

[VRM]

You Might Be A Democrat If...

You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.

You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.

You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.

You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.

You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.

You've never been mugged.

You actually expect to collect Social Security.

You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.

You think the Great Society has actually worked.

You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.

You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."

You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.

Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.

You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.

Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."

You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.

You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.

You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.

You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.

You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.

You know at least one Vegan.

You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.

You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.

You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.

You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.

You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.

You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.

You actually think that poverty can be abolished.

You think that Joan Baez had something to say.

You admire the Swedish welfare system.

You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."

You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%

You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.

After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

[VRM]

You might be a Libertarian if:

You think 99 percent of politicians give the rest of them a bad name.

You think taxes are ridiculously high.

You think that the problem with civil servants is that too many of them are neither civil nor servants.

You think that there are way too many laws about way too many things.

You believe in the Bill of Rights.

You believe that no one should go to jail for smoking flowers

You believe that just about everything should be bought and sold on an open market, except politicians.

You're glad you don’t get all the government you pay for.

You think the US Constitution is the only contract with America you need.

You think the only gun permit you need is the Second Amendment.

The only way you can tell a left winger from a right winger is by which one of their hands is in which one of your pockets.

You think the left is too left and the right is just plain wrong.

You think polluters should pay for the environmental damage they cause.

Someone asks you to take a urine test and you feel like telling them you'll give them a taste test.

[VRM]

Idiot Sightings Reported


This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I
asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman
asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I
didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email
work without a telephone line?).


I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I
had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he
didn't want them to cross there anymore.


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I
replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually-challenged co-worker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?!"


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to 'downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at
each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
side."

[VRM]

The Sex Diet
This guy was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor told him to go on a diet. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he's lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 lb. weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a
sign hanging around her neck, which reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. It takes a while to catch her, but when he does, he realizes that it was worth every cramp and wheeze. She's the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

He decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely!", he says. "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads "If I catch you, I can have you."

[VRM]

How to Stay Healthy

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

[cobra de capell]

Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house. The old racher said, “Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle.”

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the dumb SOB get down.”

[wtm442]

I told that Post Turtle joke to my turtle, but he did not laugh. As a matter of fact, he is coming your way and he will get ya!

[cobra de capell]

[quote=wtm442]I told that Post Turtle joke to my turtle, but he did not laugh. As a matter of fact, he is coming your way and he will get ya!

I've never seen a post turtle - why would someone have one of those?

[wtm442]

Who wouldn't want a flying turtle with a metal post up his a$$

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by wtm442

Who wouldn't want a flying turtle with a metal post up his a$$

Pardon me - I didn't realize - you live in MA! It's a liberal post turtle!

[cobra de capell]

THE WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS for 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
**********************************************
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
***********************************************

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
_________________________________
Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
************************************************

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

************************************************

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
************************************************

MY BOOK OF BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno

************************************************

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

*************************************************

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

*************************************************

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

*************************************************

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

************************************************
PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson
*************************************************

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy

**************************************************

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

************************************************** *

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[cobra de capell]

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[acecob]

Italian's boy confession

Little Johnny goes to confession,

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and

I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads. C’mon lets go! "

[cobra de capell]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[cobra de capell]

Speaking of Arkansas -
A young hillbilly boy comes home, all excited and full of news. "Pa! Pa! Betty Lou and I are a gittin' married?"

Pa is happy to hear that and asks the boy,"Son, tell me a little 'bout the girl"

"Oh she's wonderful, Pa. And guess what? She's a virgin too!"

"What!!!", exclaims Pa. "You ain't marryin' the girl. If'n she ain't good enough for her kin, she ain't good 'nuff for our'n!"

[cobra de capell]

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[cobra de capell]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card
today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...

[cobra de capell]

Hillary has just been elected President. On her first night in the White House, she sees the ghost of George Washington. She asks it “What can I do to best help my country?” Washington says “Never tell a lie.” Hillary says “Oooh, I don’t think I could do that.” The next night she sees Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. She asks “How can I best help my country?” He says “Do what the people want”. Hillary says “Nah, I don’t really want to do that.” On the third night she sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks “How can I best help my country?” And he says “Go into the theater...”
______

A family of moles was sleeping in their hole, when the father mole gets up to look outside because he smelled some scrambled eggs. The mother mole also gets up to enjoy the smell. The baby mole follows to try and get a sniff, but he’s too short and is blocked by his parents facing out of the hole. Disappointed, he says “All I smell is molasses”