Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price."

[DRAGON]

Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents.

The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head toward the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?"

The two boys nod OK, and the parents take of upstairs.

The older of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.

At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb."

[cobra de capell]

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel

[cobra de capell]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[cobra de capell]

A man opens his back door to let his dog in. The dog is lying out in the yard, stiff, legs in the air, won't respond. Man panics, puts dog in the car and speeds to the vet.

Vet examines the dog, says "There is nothing I can do. Your dog is dead."

Man says "I can't believe it, can you do some tests?"

Vet gets mean old tomcat from the back room, holds up to dog. The cat hisses, takes a swipe across the dogs nose with his claws. Dog does not respond.

Vet says "See? Your dog is dead."

Man says "Can you do another test?"

Vet gets a golden lab from the back room, which sniffs at the stiff dog, looks up with sad eyes, and gives a mournful sigh.

Man says "Well, it looks like you were right. What do I owe you?"

Vet says "$520"

Man says "$520 just to tell me my dog is dead?"

Vet says: "$20 for the office visit, $200 for the cat scan and $300 for the lab work."

[cobra de capell]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

[cobra de capell]

One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told G-d, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.



G-d thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."



So G-d called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to G-d and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."



G-d was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.



Do you know what the e-mail said? ...




















Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!!!

[cobra de capell]

Inheriting a Fortune

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles
bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
"but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over
20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
stepmother.

Men will never learn.

[cobra de capell]

A sexy woman sauntered up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender, who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," She whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[cobra de capell]

Men, you really should study this. Most men that I have met seem to have missed the class when it was covered. Here's a refresher course for you.


1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this
means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A
loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question,
or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8 . Whatever : Is a
women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it
herself. This will later result in a man asking
"What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[cobra de capell]

Agenda for the 2008 Democrat National Convention

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson and
Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

11.00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund
- Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers -
Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnel

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by
Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of "the
great satan", 'W' Bush

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic
Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the
Republican party.

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

[cobra de capell]

Sex and Gas

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he
put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he
would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You
were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week."

[cobra de capell]

Driver's Test

You are driving along a two lane road with a "NO PASSING" sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider.



Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2.5 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?

More input:



I say, why take unnecessary risks!

[cobra de capell]

Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Isn't Science Wonderful!!!!!!

[4RE KLR]

This little Hispanic boy went into the kitchen and put flour on his face and told his mom "look Mom, I'm white" She slapped him and told him to go tell his father.

He went into the den and told his father "look dad I'm white", he slapped the little boy and and told him to go tell his grandmother.

He went into sweet Mimi's room and told her "look Mimi, I'm white" she slapped him and sent him back to his mother.

His mother asked him if he had learned anything? He said "Sure have, I've only been white for five minutes and I hate you damn Mexicans already."

[cobra de capell]

The Evolution of Math

1. Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers)

6. Teaching Math In 2007:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[cobra de capell]

The Loyal Husband

A woman had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet her husband stayed by her bedside every single day. Then one day she came to, and she motioned for him to come nearer.

As he sat by her side, she whispered, eyes full of tears, "you know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When you got fired and we just had my income you stayed there to give moral support since you had nothing else to give. And when your business venture failed, you stuck it out for the both of us, until the bankruptcy hearing was over. And when I got shot that time when I was driving your car, you were the first to inquire if I made it. Then when we lost the house, you stayed right there with me in our crummy little apartment. And now, when my health started failing, you’re here still by my side..."

"You know what?"

"What dear?" he gently asked, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, so get the hell away from me."

[cobra de capell]

Exercise for ClubCobra members:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.

[bomelia]

An elderly gentleman driving the highway late at night mistakes one of those exit ramp massage parlors for a diner. He is quite hungery, so he pulls off and enters the establishment. Not able to find a table, he seats himself in a plush red velvet couch and waits for a waitress to assist him. Soon enough, a scantily clad woman wearing high heels and an apron approaches him. "Would you like some super sex?" she asks. To which he replies, maam, I'll just have the soup.

Mike

[cobra de capell]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."








The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate!