Jokes

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A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

[Cobrabill]

The Absolute Reliable and Valid History of Civilization.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements
include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group
hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most
prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc, with passion fruit and kiwi
aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the idpalate
by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on
the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood
and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter
rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
en lightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

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What does Larry Craig and Hillary Clinton have in common?
They were both TAPPING a HSU/shoe!

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Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize
it’s a do-it-yourself thing.
27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
30. Money can’t buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
31. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
______

A Lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.

She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington , D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Quada detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

You’ll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the “Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with
those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his attitudinal problem” will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views all females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka — over time.

Just remember that it is all part of “respecting his culture and his religious beliefs”. Wasn’t that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we’ll be watching.

Good luck!

Cordially, your friend,

GEORGE W. BUSH
_____

Quote of the Day

“Speaking at a forum organized by Lance Armstrong on cancer research, Hillary Clinton told Chris Matthews if she is elected president, she will declare war on cancer, and then she will support the war on cancer for two years, and then she will be against it for a year, and then she will back out of it all together” — Jay Leno, host of NBC’s “Tonight Show.”

[Ron61]

The Deadly Truth


A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



He never heard the shot

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Steve-The Thoughtful Husband...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Steve. Lett me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Linda. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Linda to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Linda. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Steve.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Steve died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Linda was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Steve somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[Wes Tausend]

...

The corporate boat race.....

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.


...

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An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."


One more. . !


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Homeland Security is collecting profiles on all air travelers, including such important information as where they sit on the plane and motor vehicle records. They're using this data to create a score to determine whether you're safe to fly the friendly skies, which they will store in a database and then promptly lose the password.

There are no legally published guidelines or SAT prep. The government won't let you see the score they've assigned you, because you might realize "Oh yes. I'm actually a Yemeni sleeper agent. Good thing I found out my score."

We have obtained a leaked copy of the scoring guidelines so you can take this test yourself. The higher you score, the higher your risk. Please don't look at anyone else's paper, and the penalty for guessing is a four-night stay at a hidden interrogation cell in Riyadh.

1. You have a screaming baby. 20 pts.
2. You are a screaming baby. 40 pts.
3. Your first name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
4. The bomb strapped to your chest is for 'self-defense'. 10 pts.
5. You stow your roller bag the wrong way in the overhead bin 30 pts
6. Your last name is Mohammad. 10 pts.
7. You prefer the middle seat. 50 pts.
8. You are a member of the mile-high club? 10 pts.
9. You've illegally downloaded music. 70 pts.
10. You demand the full can of soda during beverage service 20 pts.
11. Finish the sentence: Death to________! America – 50 pts. Britain – 10 pts. France – 0 pts.
12. You watch the inflight movie with your own headphones 20 pts.
13. You watch the entire safety demonstration every time you fly: 25 pts.
14. Both your first name and last name are Mohammad. 30 pts.
15. You ate the entire inflight meal. 40 pts.
16. You haven't illegally downloaded music, but the RIAA sent you a cease and desist letter anyway: 20 pts.
17. You lit matches to cover up for gas after eating the inflight meal. 20 pts.
18. You only have one name, and it is Mohammad 40 pts.
19. You root for the bad guys in "24". 60 pts.
20. You cut me off in the parking lot today: 95 pts.
21. You arrived in America in a shipping container. 20 pts.
22. You asked for a vegan meal. 60 pts.
23. You did the inflight magazine crossword puzzle in pen. 90 pts.
24. You show up 24 hours early to get a good seat when you fly Southwest. 15 pts.

Your Score
0 – you are lying and are a terrorist.
1-200: we're going to adjust your score to inflate our numbers for budgetary purposes.
201- 450: you're probably safe but we'll make you walk through the puffy air machine every time.
451-700: you've racked up enough frequent flier miles to fly free to Yemen.
701 or above: you are such a terrorist you are part of the plot in this season of "24".

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Afghanistan Newspapers
Classified Ads

For Sale: Huge cave, ventilated, isolated for privacy, rock
solid. More ventilation is added daily due to heavy bombardment. Free
ear plugs included! Call 1-800-BIG-BANG.

For Sale: Terrorist training course. Learn from my mistakes.
Includes my exclusive list of countries you shouldn’t mess
with, they get really mad! Damn cowboys.
Call 1-800-IMA-DOPE.

Wanted: A safe place to cower in fear while I talk big and
pervert the minds of the young and senseless. Preferably near a teeming
population of highly gullible people that
would be susceptible to empty promises of vain-glory.
Call 1-800-YOU-FOOL

For Sale: Wives, variety of ages. Looks unimportant, lovely
burkas! Reason for selling: they can’t run fast.
Call 1-800-SLO- LADY.

Wanted: Tank repairman. Must have own tools and be able
to work without missing parts. Location: a little here, a little there,
little pieces everywhere.
Call 1-800-BLO-MEUP

Wanted: Emotional counseling for misunderstood former
terrorist with delusions of grandeur. Severely depressed, even my mother
doesn’t love me.
Call 1-800-WOE-ISME.

[cobra de capell]

EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

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It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat

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A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”

The farmer was dubious.

“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll buy a whole case from you. and get everyone in the county to buy a case. We will make you rich.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “Now, you don’t have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?”

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, “Doesn’t that calf have a mother?

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An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband's flailing libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take anaspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

"That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor. "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just too terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning coff ee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean to say the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here before you, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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Trip To Wal-mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog [censored] on your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog [censored] on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. F**t out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

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Another one from Walmart

From: The Invetigative Reports Bureau Of The Postman's Corner Wal-Mart announced Today that "All" Texas stores will begin offering cutomers a new discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallow Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their grocery carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas Bentonville.

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand that will be sold ONLY in Texas.

The top ten names in popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Champion Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasty Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (possum) or red meat (squirrel)

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Wal-Mart has everything
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe said to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like [censored]. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposited a urine sample in a small jar and took it to Wal-Mart.

He deposited ten dollars, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample.
He poured the sample into the slot and waited.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results .

The computer printed the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shamp oo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

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Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.