Jokes

[Ron61]

I Speak Blonde

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class
gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy Class and that she
will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston,
and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in First class that belongs
in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston
and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to
reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married
to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says,
"Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston."

[Excaliber]

Why do chicken coups have two doors?
If they had four doors they would be chicken sedans!



What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture

[cobra de capell]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
_____

A guy dies and goes to [censored]. Satan tells him he has 3 choices of how he will spend eternity. There are 3 doors, and Satan leads him to the first door and opens it. In a large, carpeted room, there are people standing on their heads. They guy isn't sure that he wants to spend eternity standing on his head, so they go to the 2nd door. Behind that door, there are more people standing on their heads, only this room has a concrete floor. He thinks that if he has to spend eternity on his head, the 1st room would be preferable to the 2nd. They go to the 3rd door, and in this room, people are standing knee-deep in poop, and they are all drinking coffee. The guy figures that wouldn't be so bad--he'd get used to the smell, and he likes coffee, so he opts for that room. He enters and begins to drink his coffee, thinking it's not so bad when a buzzer goes off, and a voice on a loud speaker says, "OK, coffee break's over--back on your heads!"

[cobra de capell]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, “Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and str**k through that stupid flower show!”

“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely n***d, str**ked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and n**ed old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.

“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”

[Ron61]

A little political humor for you.

This one is a little different..
Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances
and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference
and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while
others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp
contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
everybody
cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where
the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse
then
has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry
King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both
call for
an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper
Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home
is
confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
single-parent
welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last
bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just
happens to be
the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain
it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the
house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the
once
peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

[cobra de capell]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[cobra de capell]

Those Tennessee Kids

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches”, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8” and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

[cobra de capell]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

7. "Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
(because if they all went, it would be Hell.)

[cobra de capell]

This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had
received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize and was writing to
say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know
who might need a lift today!



Dear Faculty and Students:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for
the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to
know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Get Folked", (or words to that effect).
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes

[cobra de capell]

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoooyouuuhhaaavvvdddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand...rrunns by
bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?"

[cobra de capell]

Five secrets of a perfect relationship:-

1) It is important to have a woman who cooks, cleans and has a job.
2) It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3) It is important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4) It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5) It is very, very important that these four *****es don't know each other!!

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24
years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other
mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he
had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." said the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember
when he first started school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[cobra de capell]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[cobra de capell]

Thought for the day


Handle every situation like a dog would.


If you can't Eat it or Screw it,
Piss on it and Walk Away

[cobra de capell]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me!

[cobra de capell]

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

[cobra de capell]

A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person
inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

"Bullfighting," the guide replied.

The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"
_____

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!", she replied....
_________________________

[cobra de capell]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

[cobra de capell]

Wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
_____

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Oklahoma State, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Oklahoma State student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up".