Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
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A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! ... The husband turned 90!

[cobra de capell]

It's been posted somewhere before, but there is so much truth in this......

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!”

“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.

Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim.”

“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

She replied, “He said you’re gonna die.”

[BigGuy]

Subject: Blonde & Proud



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How
did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to
commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No,
Silly, ' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my
chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for
these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the
chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the
gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened . I'm not shooting myself
in the mouth.' 'So then I put the gun to my ear, and I
thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put
my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game , and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered
with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents
would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on
her hands and knees, and started blowing into her
tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde
roommate saw her , and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her
eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up
the windows first.'



A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a
shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it,
so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask
what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a
thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things
cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm
going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took
it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that ? ' he asked. 'Why, that's a
thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you
have in it?' The blond replied..... ..'Two popsicles
and some coffee.'


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the
matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got
a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you
go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of
doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the
blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and
the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office, and sees the blonde crying
hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be
okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just
received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother
died, too!'

[cobra de capell]

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a damn?"

[cobra de capell]

Reading Test
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat
Now read each line
Now go to the third word & read straight down..

[cobra de capell]

Two boys were talking on their first day in school. "My daddy's an accountant", said one. "What does your daddy do?"

"My daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

"No, just the regular kind."

[cobra de capell]

A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[cobra de capell]

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
_____

When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

[cobra de capell]

Two Mexicans were standing outside the Home Depot all day holding their signs.

At the end of the day, Manuel was complaining that he had only made $7.50.

Nacho laughed and told him; “Ha! I made 225.00 dollars today!”

Manuel asked; “How did you do that?”

Nacho said; “Mira, your sign says ‘I’ll work for food’. Mine says ‘I only need $5 more to get back to Mexico’!”

[Ron61]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We haven't any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the Lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[cobra de capell]

Why did the chicken cross the road:

John Kerry: He crossed the road because he thought the grass was greener on the other side...but then he stopped and thought, y'know, it was actually greener on the side I was originally on. So he starts heading back to the first side but thinks again, Well I dunno, it wasn't that bad over there...

Al Gore: He walked out into the street in the hope of getting the guy driving a huge gas-guzzling SUV to stop so he could listen to the chicken tell him that his car was contributing to global warming

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Well, let me ask you a question...

John Edwards: To get to the other America

Barack Obama: He was off to sit down and speak with his enemies at a conference, no doubt

George Soros: He wanted to move on...

Ted Kennedy: Better a road to cross than a bridge! *Hic*

Jacques Chirac: The cheese is better on the other side

Hillary Clinton: Because he was left homeless and wandering since he had nothing left after having everything taken away from him for the common good

Michael Moore: Mmmmm! Chicken!

Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi: He was running from his enemies, too much of a coward to fight back

Mary Landrieu: He was making a hard-fought journey after surviving a devastating hurricane to complain to FEMA that he wasn't getting all the benefits he was entitled to because that's more effective than getting a job and paying for them instead

Amnesty supporters: He was making the long, hard trek across the border illegally looking for a better life in the United States, only to demand the same rights as citizens

Bill Clinton: “We’re talkin’ ‘bout chicks? Where?”

[Ron61]

Why Men Shouldn't Talk




Wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: '****.'

[cobra de capell]

Time for a little stress management and, at the same time, a good deed for America, so go here.....http://hytaipan.home.comcast.net/media/serenity2.html

[cobra de capell]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[cobra de capell]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says:
"SEX FROGS"
Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:


"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"

[cobra de capell]

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

[cobra de capell]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take
whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[cobra de capell]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.

With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[cobra de capell]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom, you don't have to worry about that. I'm dating Susan!"

[cobra de capell]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"