Jokes

[cobra de capell]

May be some repeats here, but females just don't get it, so repeating is mandatory, also more than few coolies seem to be blonds!

Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
_______

Subject: Blonde Cookbook



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Monday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Tuesday:
It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Tom’s did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.



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GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

[cobra de capell]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.

Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

[cobra de capell]

I hate to do this to posters here, but take a look at the legs on (possibly) your next POTUS (now I know why she wears pants suits):

[cobra de capell]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a " BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[Ron61]

TRAVEL

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[cobra de capell]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what the hell would you say?”

[cobra de capell]

We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Minnysota.
Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakota.

If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, da no-frills airline.
You’re all in da same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land ‘til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lis ten up. I’m only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cab in pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I vouldn’t bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin !

Right now I’ll say Grace: ‘Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.’ Amen

p.s. To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Michigan........Ya. eh?

[Ron61]

I rear ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

[cobra de capell]

Philosophy:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock fuel station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[cobra de capell]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[cobra de capell]

Did you ever wonder???

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes outta its *ss."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their *ss when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[cobra de capell]

It's good to be a guy!

1.there is no #1 reason, and that's okay
2.Movie nudity is virtually always female
3.Child birth
4.A five day vacation requires only one suitcase
5.Monday Night Football
6.Belching is cool
7.Your bathroom lines are always 80% shorter
8.You can open all your own jars
9.Old friends don't give a crap if you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind
11.Screw up the laundry once, never allowed to do it again
12.Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
13.All your orgasms are real
14.Those chairs by the waiting room at lingerie shops are for you
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17.You can still get away with MAKING a Valentine's day card
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19.Your last name stays put
20.You can understand Homer Simpson
21.You never get a stupid Love Quiz in GQ
22.You can kill your own food
23.The garage is all yours
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25.Big Breasted Stripper days on Jerry Springer
26.We're treated like royalty when we're sick
27.You never have to clean the toilet
28.You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
29.Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves
31.If someone forgets to invite you to something he or she is still your friend
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack
33.The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34.None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
35.You don't have to shave below the neck
36.Scratching your ass is just fine
37.If you're 34 and single nobody notices
38.You can write your name in snow
39.Beer is a food group
40.Everything on your face stays its original colour
41.Chocolate is just another snack
42.You can be president
43.Going to the gym to look at the aerobic girls is called 'working out'
44.Flowers fix everything
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46.You get to think about sex 90% of the day
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48.Three pairs of shoes are enough
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store
50.A 'mood swing' is a place, with a swing, where you get sex.
51.Foreplay is optional
52.Falling asleep right after sex
53.Nobody stops telling a dirty joke when you walk into the room
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55.Middle aged, big gut? No problem, it's expected.
56.Underwear lasts longer than most marriages
57.Car mechanics tell the truth
58.The belly button is a fantastic place to store corn chip crumbs
59.You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me
60.The world is your urinal
61.Wake up, shower, eat, brush your teeth, leave... max 15 minutes.
62.You get to jump up and slap stuff
63.Hotwax never comes near your pubic area
64.One mood, all the time
65.Your virginity is never 'taken' away. You'd gladly give it to anyone that asks.
66.Father-in-laws are sweet older men. Mother-in-laws are nasty old *****es.
67.You know at least twenty ways to open a beer bottle
68.You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing
69.Same work...more pay
70.Gray hair and wrinkles add character
71.You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72.It's OK to marry a girl much younger than you if you have money
73.It's OK to cop a free feel when you cuddle.
74.With 400 million sperms per shot you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75.You never have to wear high heels.
76.Sometimes women will fight over you, and you get to watch
77.The remote is yours and yours alone
78.People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79.People never complain about men drivers
80.Drinking till you pass out is occasionally OK
81.Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers
82.You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mom
83.Breast augmentation on your wife is a gift to both of you
84.You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85.If you don't call your buddy when you say you will,he won't tell your friends you've changed
86.Someday you'll be a dirty old man, and you're looking forward to it.
87.You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*** it!"
88.If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit you might become lifelong buddies
89.Dad always let you stay out late while your sister had to be in before midnight
90.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92.You're expected to stink if you work out
93.If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
94.New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
95.If someone bothers you, you just don't talk to them and problem solved.
96.Telephone company commercials don't make you cry
97.Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them
98.Girls play barbie. You had GI Joe
99.Baywatch
100.There is always a game on somewhere

[cobra de capell]

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?


Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I don't do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying. "Damn, that was fun."

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I still had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

[cobra de capell]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
>>** You make the bed .............................................+1
>>** You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
>>** You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
>>** You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
>>** You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
>>** When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
>>** When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
>>** You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
>>** in the snow.............................................. .....+8
>>** but return with beer..........................................-5
>>** and no liners............................................ ....-25
>>** You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
>>** You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
>>** You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
>>** It's her cat............................................... ..-40

>>** AT THE PARTY
>>** You stay by her side the entire party............ 0
>>** You stay by her side for a while, then
>>** leave to chat with a College drinking buddy......-2
>>** Named Tiffany....................................-4
>>** Tiffany is a dancer..............................-10
>>** With breast implants.............................-18

>>** HER BIRTHDAY
>>** You remember her birthday................................0
>>** You buy a card and flowers...............................0
>>** You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
>>** You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
>>** Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
>>** And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
>>** It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your
>>** face is painted the colors of your favorite team........-10

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
>>** Go with a pal.......................................0
>>** The pal is happily married..........................+1
>>** The pal is single...................................-7
>>** He drives a Ferrari.................................-10
>>** With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

>>** A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
>>** You take her to a movie...............+2
>>** You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
>>** You take her to a movie you hate......+6
>>** You take her to a movie you like......-2
>>** It's called Death Cop 3...............-3
>>** Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9
>>** You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

>>** YOUR PHYSIQUE
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly................-15
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...+10
>>** You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
>>** jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...........................-30
>>** You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-800

>>** THE BIG QUESTION
>>** She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
>>** You hesitate in responding......................-10
>>** You reply, "Where?".............................-35
>>** You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
>>** Any other response..............................-20

>>** COMMUNICATION
>>** When she wants to talk about a problem:
>>** You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
>>** You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
>>** You relate to her problem and share a similar experience........+50
>>** You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
>>** what do you think I should do"...........................-50
>>** You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100
>>** She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep............-200

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Dysfunctional Section of Hallmark Cards

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you have brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until you moved in.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.


4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

(Inside card) - Will you please take the knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.


5. Someday I hope to marry...

(Inside card) - Someone better than you.


6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!


7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me..

(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time that you kept your promise.


8. We've been friends for a very long time..

(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?


9. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?


11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.


12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...

(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia)


14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

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Tips on Love from Kids

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy,8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."
(Tom,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."
(Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine,9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."
(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
(Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me."
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
(John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."
(Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire."
(Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you."
(Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
(Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it."
(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
(Randy, 8)

[cobra de capell]

Bob and Nancy were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After 50 years, Bob wanted to know if Nancy was always faithful. Bob asked, "Have you ever cheated on me?" Nancy replied, "Yes, three times." "What?!", yelled Bob, "When?" Nancy said, "Remember when the septic tank flooded back in '69 and we couldn't afford to fix it? I convinced the plumber to fix it for free." "And?" Nancy said, "Remember when you needed heart surgery in '75 and we didn't have insurance? I had the doctor treat you for free." "And the third time? "Do you remember when you ran for mayor back in '89 and you were behind by 200 votes............."

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Hillary wants combined fleet-wide fuel economy standards to 55 miles per gallon by 2030 - this is what she has in mind:

[cobra de capell]

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door she observed her daughter intimately involved with a vibrator.Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing!?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please go away and leave me alone."

The next day the woman's father heard the same buzzing from his daughter's room. He entered the room and saw what his wife saw the day before and received the same explanation.

A few days later the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing noise coming from the lliving room. She went in and found her husband sitting on the couch drinking a beer and staring at the TV, the vibrator buzzing merrily away beside him. "What the hell are you doing!?", she demanded. Her husband replied,"I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."

[cobra de capell]

Understanding Marketing:

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends' approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.