Jokes

[speed220mph]

Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen.



MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE:


TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best


1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.

2. Each serves America well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

*

*

*

Sincerely, GOD, U.S.A.F. (Retired)

[cobra de capell]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...

"Hello - we're all down here..."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."
_____

A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

[cobra de capell]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[cobra de capell]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Ron61]

Couldn't resist this one. yucky!!!!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you."

She answers,

"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."!

She responds,"Well, let's see what we can do about
that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."

[cobra de capell]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the presidential helicopter, Marine One, in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The marine on duty squared up, saluted and said in a very typical, sharp marine’s voice, “Nice pigs, sir.”

The president replied, “These are not pigs! These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”

The marine squared up again, salutes and says in a very typical, sharp marine’s voice, “Excellent trade, sir.”

[cobra de capell]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Advil is also called Ibuprofen.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Ron61]

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with

his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin

gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here

campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in

English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[Excaliber]

How the internet really started...

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, 'And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a homely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. She had been called Amazon Dot Com'. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far, from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?' And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, Dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).' Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum, and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others'. 'And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay,' he said, 'we need a name that reflects what we are,' and Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.' 'Whoopee!', said Abraham. 'No, YAHOO!' said Dot Com. And that is how it all began.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

[AMF]

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "jus' give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him"?

"I'm gon-to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What ever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[Excaliber]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )




The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'

[cobra de capell]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days! Well one day Joe goes into a store, finds a clerk and says: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[cobra de capell]

[fsstnotch]

these are real letters sent in by parents

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....


These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.


12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

[cobra de capell]

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
_____

[cobra de capell]

POINTS TO PONDER:

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.

Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.

To err is human - and to blame it on the Government is even more so.

Death: to stop paying taxes suddenly.

Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.

Tax loopholes are like parking meters. As soon as you see one they're gone.

A dollar saved is bound to be taxed.

The ideal solution is for the Government to live within its means not yours.

Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The tax office is of the same opinion.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

And this from the campaign trail.....

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the ‘B’ word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

[cobra de capell]

(Harare, Zimbabwe)- Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 84 year old ruler has stated he's more than ready for a run-off with opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai and is looking to an unlikely source for inspiration, Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). Mugabe's Deputy Information Minister Bright Matonga issued this statement:

"In meetings with Mr. Mugabe, we talked about how much he has in common with Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party nomination process in the United States. Like Hillary, Mr. Mugabe is behind in votes. In drawing a favorable comparison, we admire her fighting spirit, her unwillingness to let go when she's obviously behind and should quit as well as her decision to take this all the way to the Democratic Party convention in Denver. We both believe every vote should count, unless it helps our opposition and, like Hillary, who is willing to completely destroy everything around her, including her own political party and it seems, the United States in the process, we can proudly say we're one step ahead of her as we have already completely corrupted the government here and ruined the country. We have plenty of campaign cash as we have collected our "cut" of international aid enabling our lifestyle, while she, well, forget that one, bad example. We are going to a runoff election, and Hillary will fight for a runoff in the 2nd round of voting at the convention, and finally, we're both ruthless and relentless in our pursuit of power. We have much in common. In our fight for justice and fair elections, after we review the ballots and convince influential super-voters, we will prevail. I'm inspired by her."

Senator Barack Obama was informed of Mr. Mugabe's remarks, and in a display of his complete knowledge of international affairs, which makes him uniquely qualified for the Office of President, said, "Who in the he*l is Robert Mugabe??"

Developing..