Jokes

[Ron61]

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[Ron61]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[392cobra]

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 910--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised
!!"



A moment later...


Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Iran Air 171--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air reply: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -Allah is Great !!"

Pause: ......
then suddenly!!!

Iran Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Iran Air 171?"

Iran Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! WE ARE ABOUT TO HIT!!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?."

[Hydramada]

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Cannon Balls - a History Lesson!

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on
war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the
problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based
pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested
on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small
area right ...............

[cobra de capell]

Not so funny:


Funny:

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by Hydramada

http://www.snopes.com/language/stories/brass.htm

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
> > toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
> > "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
> > heaven?"
> >
> >
> >
> > Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and
> > watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
> > comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
> >
> >
> >
> > Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
> > adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
> > started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem The
little
> > boy heard the door- bell ring, so he hurried to open the door, there
stood
> > Grand- ma's minister.
> >
> >
> >
> > The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
> >
> >
> >
> > The minister fainted.

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Not so funny:


Funny:

They call him Flipper....http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/sharksurfer.asp

And......http://www.whitesharktrust.org/pages...e/media26.html

[cobra de capell]

Once again - it's a joke thread, don't be stupid.

Why are so many Cobra owners or want to be owners so anal about practically everything? I just don't get it.

[Hydramada]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

This is a joke thread, don't be stupid. I know that it may not be true, but it's a great story.

Interesting response.

[VRM]

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL
notes written by PARENTS in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings
have been left intact.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.
~
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
~
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 AND ALSO 33.
~
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
~
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT
OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
~
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
~
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS
HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
~
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED
BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
~
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
~
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
~
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,
DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(Love it!)
~
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,
AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
~
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
~
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You
know, this could be legit!}
~
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE
DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
~
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO
GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE
THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
~
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A
WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
~
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND
COULD NOT BREED WELL.
~
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH
GRAMPS.
~
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
~
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

[VRM]

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse" The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.

Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief. Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news."

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend."

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in 302. Nobody here tells me nuthin!"

[VRM]

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put
your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk!

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "... Amen."

[wtm442]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...
"Probably at work!"

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you 'betcha, there IS a moral!)



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[cobra de capell]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[blykins]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Once again - it's a joke thread, don't be stupid.

Why are so many Cobra owners or want to be owners so anal about practically everything? I just don't get it.

Yeah, I know....so why are you like that CDC?

There wasn't nothing wrong with his post. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black here.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.

"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these damn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"

Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.
_____

Not a joke, just the way it should be:

The Good Wife's Guide
Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: To try and make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.