Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A Condensed Version of History

Humans originally existed as members of
small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer,
and

2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer.

These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain
and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and
killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled
at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and do the sewing, fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with a
lime or an orange added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire other conservatives because they want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

This ends today’s lesson in world
history......

[cobra de capell]

Top this for a speeding ticket....

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer tempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:


"Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi."

[cobra de capell]

A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science - "managementium." It has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons
for an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are
further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called
peons.

Managementium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected
however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny
amount of managementium can take a reaction that normally occurs in
seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Managementium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but
"re-organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy
neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the
confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming
critical morass. Researchers believe that in Managementium, the more you re-
organize, the morass you cover.

[cobra de capell]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter
took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is
seated over there", and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She
stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and delivered it to the gentleman. The note read, "For me to accept this
bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the
bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady. The note read, "I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z 8, Mercedes
CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have large, beautiful
homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over
20 million dollars in my bank and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle
back."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS
office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with
his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due
to unreported income.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How
about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.
B oudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on other side, so pretty much urinates all over the
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to
appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd
be happy about it."

[fsstnotch]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

< B>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the
best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[cobra de capell]

She told me that we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to guit.

Then I caught her spending $85 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said that she needed makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

[cobra de capell]

A visiting Japanese company man goes to the eye doctor in Sacramento complaining of recurrent pain in his left eye.

The doctor instructs him to lie back in his examination chair and to relax as he uses a scope apparatus to check the man's irritated eye.

He tells him, "Mr Watanabe, I'm afraid that you have a cataract."

The man sits up and snaps back sharply, "No, no, doctor - I drive ova he-ah in Rincon Conterrental!"

[cobra de capell]

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating great pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, He pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

[cobra de capell]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use be cause someone at work has a pair the same"

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me! with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[speed220mph]

Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen.



MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE:


TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best


1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.

2. Each serves America well and with distinction.

3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.

4. Always be proud of that.

*

*

*

Sincerely, GOD, U.S.A.F. (Retired)

[cobra de capell]

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?"

She cried a little louder, but still no answer....

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away ...

"Hello - we're all down here..."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."
_____

A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

[cobra de capell]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, "You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now
"cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

[cobra de capell]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard.

Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he says, "what myths are those?"

"Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says. "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Ron61]

Couldn't resist this one. yucky!!!!

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you."

She answers,

"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure
that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."!

She responds,"Well, let's see what we can do about
that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."

[cobra de capell]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the presidential helicopter, Marine One, in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The marine on duty squared up, saluted and said in a very typical, sharp marine’s voice, “Nice pigs, sir.”

The president replied, “These are not pigs! These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”

The marine squared up again, salutes and says in a very typical, sharp marine’s voice, “Excellent trade, sir.”

[cobra de capell]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Advil is also called Ibuprofen.The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Ron61]

An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with

his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin

gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm from New York and just down here

campaigning for Hillary, I can't understand you. Please speak in

English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

[Excaliber]

How the internet really started...

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, 'And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a homely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. She had been called Amazon Dot Com'. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far, from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?' And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, Dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).' Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum, and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others'. 'And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay,' he said, 'we need a name that reflects what we are,' and Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.' 'Whoopee!', said Abraham. 'No, YAHOO!' said Dot Com. And that is how it all began.