Jokes

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

[AMF]

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."

"Well, den" said Boudreaux, "jus' give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey."

"What are you gonna do with him"?

"I'm gon-to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!"

A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What ever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[Excaliber]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )




The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'

[cobra de capell]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days! Well one day Joe goes into a store, finds a clerk and says: "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[cobra de capell]

[fsstnotch]

these are real letters sent in by parents

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....


These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.


12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.


23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

[cobra de capell]

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
_____

[cobra de capell]

POINTS TO PONDER:

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types: men and women.

Due to taxation, politicians find it increasingly difficult to reconcile their net incomes with their gross habits.

To err is human - and to blame it on the Government is even more so.

Death: to stop paying taxes suddenly.

Where there's a will there's a tax shelter.

Tax loopholes are like parking meters. As soon as you see one they're gone.

A dollar saved is bound to be taxed.

The ideal solution is for the Government to live within its means not yours.

Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves. The tax office is of the same opinion.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

And this from the campaign trail.....

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the ‘B’ word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY

Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

[cobra de capell]

(Harare, Zimbabwe)- Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 84 year old ruler has stated he's more than ready for a run-off with opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai and is looking to an unlikely source for inspiration, Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). Mugabe's Deputy Information Minister Bright Matonga issued this statement:

"In meetings with Mr. Mugabe, we talked about how much he has in common with Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party nomination process in the United States. Like Hillary, Mr. Mugabe is behind in votes. In drawing a favorable comparison, we admire her fighting spirit, her unwillingness to let go when she's obviously behind and should quit as well as her decision to take this all the way to the Democratic Party convention in Denver. We both believe every vote should count, unless it helps our opposition and, like Hillary, who is willing to completely destroy everything around her, including her own political party and it seems, the United States in the process, we can proudly say we're one step ahead of her as we have already completely corrupted the government here and ruined the country. We have plenty of campaign cash as we have collected our "cut" of international aid enabling our lifestyle, while she, well, forget that one, bad example. We are going to a runoff election, and Hillary will fight for a runoff in the 2nd round of voting at the convention, and finally, we're both ruthless and relentless in our pursuit of power. We have much in common. In our fight for justice and fair elections, after we review the ballots and convince influential super-voters, we will prevail. I'm inspired by her."

Senator Barack Obama was informed of Mr. Mugabe's remarks, and in a display of his complete knowledge of international affairs, which makes him uniquely qualified for the Office of President, said, "Who in the he*l is Robert Mugabe??"

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

Obama’s latest gaffe occurred in San Francisco when he attempted to persuade white working-class voters who, he said, fell through the cracks during the Bush and Clinton administrations.

“So it’s not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations,”

Somewhere in rural Pennsyvania….
“So how’d it go at the unemployment office today, Jim-Bob?”

“I’m so dang frustrated! The government isn’t listening to me! Where’s my dang gun, Shirley?”

“Where it always is, next to the potatoes in the pantry. Can you explain your frustrations, Jim-Bob?”

“Yeah! I’ll explain ‘em! Watch this!”

Blam! Blam! Blam!

“Would you watch out with that thing? There’s another hole in the water heater, and you almost hit the damn parakeet!”

“Well too bad I didn’t hit one ‘a them durn immigrants! They’re all diffrunt from me!”

“Well dear, you know there’s a tent revival tonight, at least that’s something we can cling to.”

“I don’t know Shirley. If only there was some way we could bring about a… a… change in America.”

“Well now that you mention it Jim-Bob, I was watchin the tee-vee over at the hairdressers today, and there was this nice young man on with some kind of funny A-rab soundin’ name. I didn’t understand what he was sayin’, but whatever it was made me feel good inside, like there was hope again.”

“Ohhhh yeah. That negro fellow at the bowlin alley. First time I’ve ever seen a negro at the bowlin’ alley, huh.”

“Well that’s just it. Such an articulate young man. Even though I didn’t understand nothin’, it was like, I felt like I was floatin’ up on a big fluffy cloud, with all the immigrants, and everybody else, even that blockhead brother of yours. And we were all friends, there was this, like, unity.”

“Wow Shirley – that’s great! If only there was someone like that in the central govmint as the President! Someone that would listen to my concerns for a change!”

“Well maybe there can be now, Jim-Bob. Why don’t you put that gun down, and lets eat these beans, before they get cold.”

Halp Osama! Us crackerns be meshed up good hear 'n Altoona.

[Excaliber]

de capell, your such a phucking idiot I'm getting really sick of even seeing your sorry a$$ around Club Cobra.

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by Excaliber

de capell, your such a phucking idiot I'm getting really sick of even seeing your sorry a$$ around Club Cobra.

So, what do you plan to do about it, dirtbag?

What about you PMing your address and I'll send someone over to discuss this with you?

Oh, here's a visual as I know you often don't understand words..........

[Jamo]

Phukme...the "Joke" thread is hereby closed temporarily until a general sense of humor returns.

[Jamo]

Reopened for business...a bit of discretion with the jokes would be peachy.

[cobra de capell]

There were two brothers. One rich, the other poor.

The poor one used to complain that his rich brother ignored him.

One day, the rich one died. The poor brother turned up for the will-reading.

The lawyer said there was 50k for this and 100k for that, and 200k for the other. he ended the recital with,

"And to my brother, who says I've always ignored him, "Hi."
______

He. Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?
She. Why,er, yes!
He. Would you go to bed with me for one dollar.
She. Certainly not, what kind of woman do you think I am?
He. We've already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're just haggling over the price.
_____

Here are the "Best Divorce Letter" and the "Best Response Thereto".

"Best Divorce letter"

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't
love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

and then the......

"Best Response to a Divorce Letter"

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to
Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell And Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[cobra de capell]

"New Word Definitions"

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office
at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.
______

"Running a Business"

There was this man who, many years ago, worked for a large business. That was his
lifetime employment, but he wasn't happy there. He wanted to go in business for
himself. He saved his money and finally had enough that he could quit and start his
own business.

About two years later, I was on vacation and was going through the town where his
business was located. I stopped by for a visit. "Hey John, I heard that the first year
is the hardest for a new business."

"Yeah, the first year was pretty rough, but we are doing pretty good now. In fact, I'm getting to where I only have to work half a day."

"Wow, that's pretty nice. Maybe I should think about going into business for myself."

"Yeah, and the nicest part of it is that it doesn't matter which twelve hours you work."

[cobra de capell]

One Man’s Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to mess yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “ Oh my God!”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

[EarlsflyinCobra]

Subject: Robot





John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His
wife Marsha
had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John
claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when
Tommy, their
11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they
asked. "Several
of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The
Robot then
walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his
chair.

"Son, this robot i
s a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" a sked Marsha. "'The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went
around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a
tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my
parents." The
robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly
knocked him out
of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for
that one! And
you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"



The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[cobra de capell]

A little Arkansas-Louisiana humor ....


Bubba had been going to Arkansas for 11 years and just couldn't graduate. One day, the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says, "Bubba, we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time of the homecoming football game, We are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."

Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night And day for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day With homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with Arkansas students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do. The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your Question?" Bubba said he was.

The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 X 3?"

Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to the microphone and said, "9?"

Before the dean could respond, thousands of the Arkansas students, Alumni and faculty jumped up and yelled..............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!"